Morning Page 294 What will it take for closure (to close this chapter)

11:19 murder she wrote on Ipad, sleep tea from twinnings.

I am mad the wheel on the suitcase broke and the superglue I have is finished. My left thumb is itching now. I am a mix of emotions. I feel like I should be grateful the first suitcase I brought was too small I thought. Now I have a bigger one like I said at least there will definitely be enough space. I am angry that the wheel broke the thing is new for goodness sake. Increased anger that my dupwrglur is finished and that I couldn't fix the wheel . Glad is the last day of my period. I'm also happy I have a new batch of tea. 

Tea check: drinkable 

This is the last year, after 1st of January 2026 I am done. You can only stretch your positity so far. I thought I had friends but the silence is deadly. The excuses don't fly anymore. I have received nothing and I don't know why. I would have been happy with a birthday wish every year.if that's all you can manage so be it. Nothing is not acceptable. I can't be the one initiating all the time. It feels very 'gorl take a hint vibes,' Maybe it's because I am a happy smiley positive person. People assume I have plenty of friends. I don't have any. It was just you guys. I clearly took more out of this than you. Maybe it wasn't that deep and your silence wasn't personal. Thing is I am and I will. It feels like the unpopular kid invited to a party by the popular kid and everyone and their dog knows it's a prank. I know I will one day be in a room again with these people. They will ask me. 

'You could have reached out,'

'You could have messaged me,'

I hope that when that day comes I am brave enough to say the truth. I couldn't put myself through the disappointment no more. My energy was low. Your reason is valid. It just be nice to know them for closure, like my crush. 

'I didn't know, I had no idea,'

Fact is you tell people how you feel with your actions. I'm not psychic I can't believe the opposite of the evidence forever. That makes me delusional and I can't live there a day longer. Truth is love plane and simple. Despite the nothing it hasn't gone away it's gotten bigger. I wondered how he will react when he finds this out. Is he even alive? If so why would God give me something to hope for that is not possible. For my closure I need the truth. That's the next part of my healing.

37 minutes, see you when I see you.