Morning Page #275

At almost 2 I couldn't sleep and started feeling anxious about electricity and gas, universal credit, and people-pleasing. 

At 6am, I had a quick shower and put some washing in the washing machine. Used the free washing tablets I got a few... well a week ago really. Made myself a cup of tea. I have some in my room because I have so much. So I took some hot water and a spoon to my room. I chose Twinning Sleep and a Peppermint tea. YouTube watch later lists are on my iPad 

Tea check: drinkable 

It's warm actually

I spent the last 40 minutes dealing with my nails and cutting them I hate when they get so I have to file them. I always want to cut them but I don't like not having nails, that's my dilemma.

Ok, so the next thing I right is what a true morning page is. I am doing it right now. To just write and don't think about what I am going to and should write. I've also been doing it or the way I've been doing it is letting God move my hand, like now.

The last few days I've been thinking, which I think I said in the last morning page. I've been thinking about survival mode and how I get out of it. I'm thinking is this it? Will my dreams and daydreams stay where they are? Will my dream life become a reality?

I think what I need Is to go through it. This is what I've decided right now. I can't say I feel anxious. I can't say be patient, stay positive. Because I need to walk through this to get to the other side. Dreams and daydreams make me happy I think I'll keep them.

35 Minutes, see you when I see you!

Morning Page #274

Woke at...I'm guess 11:25. Though I did 2 sleep at 5: 24am and woke around 7:35. 

11:54 am a cup of loose leaf tea in front of me. American dad on my IPad. 

I've been feeling sorry for myself these past few days. Nowadays days I am very aware when I am going down people-pleasing avenue. Like Iying I dont like it and it's hard to not feel un confortable when I am doing It. Feeling sorry because I am still in survival mode. That my dream life hasn't started yet. I want to be married and have kids. I want to not have to be forced to people please. Explaining what l am doing and why in every step of the way.  This is what has slowed me down I've realised like right now. I am in love that is a fact, with someone who doesn't even see me as a friend let alone a romantic option.

I had to do some admin work...sorry was forced to do some admin work for my mother. I don't think she understands the work that goes into it. I hate it and it stresses me out to no end. I need to not be doing it at all. 2025 is the year. I'M telling you she better find other arrangements. I was forced to become her receptionist I don't want that for my future. 

If the point is not my dreams and daydreams becoming reality, what is it.

Is he happily married? Does he have kids? Is he even alive?

45. minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 273

Woke about thirty minutes ago, had a shower.

10:52 am Tea leaf reading in front of me. Youtube watch list on my Ipad. 

Just received a Package from Amazon, it was the phone case I ordered. It has the words beautiful day on It with a heart. Feeling people pleasy, thinking about my universal credit appointment. Yesterday I was thinking...

Tea check: still hot

...that I can't take these things over to 2025. l must have an end to universal credit by 2025. If I see the universal credit appointment in Jan 2025 I will be in my given up mode. 

How do I keep going after that? There is no way I won't fall into depression. that. If this is the case, If 1 dont know the truth with my crush situation I dont know how I can keep being positive and waiting. I can't have it still be there, the hope, the images of the future, the Confession of feelings. The daydreams of him turning up to my house with flowered, not without action. I'm sick of being patient. Sick of tarot readings saying things like 

'you are the one that got away for him. He that egnored his feelings because he was scared. You were unlike anyone he'd ever met before. He didn't know realise the situation of this connection until now. He is coming back to you in 6 - 9 months. He is planning a good surprise.'

Well you been saying that for 2 years. If he felt a bit of what I felt for him I would know It by now. I mean what is he waiting for. I have loved this man since the 27 November 2006 I have accepted that maybe I need to accept he has never felt the same way. That is the truth from what I've seen. Not only has he never seen me in a romantic way. Now he doesn't even see me as a friend. I am just confusion and I have many questions was he dating someone in 2006? 

What made him change his mind? What made him think I didn't feel the same way? 

47 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #272

 I couldn't sleep because of the gas and electricity. At four something I sent the reminder message, and I received the money in an hour. 

Couldn't sleep because I was thinking of my appointment on the 22nd. I'm frustrated that I have to force myself to people-please. 

I'm feeling pretty stupid for feeling how I feel about my crush. To dream about marriage and kids when my story is single at 65. Been thinking about feeling guilty ever since that question. It feels wrong somehow to fantasize about a dream life that the other person is not on board with or living it with someone else. I would love it if I knew the truth. Maybe I haven't yet because I wasn't ready to hear it. 

11:24 am A cup of sleep and calm twinnings tea in front of me. American Dad episodes on my iPad. 

A new job opportunity came up, It's one I have thought of before yet not seriously. One of my oldest sister suggested it because she wants to do it too. When you hear it you might say

'Really, ooh right, get it, girl,' You also might have figured it out from the clues. I'll keep it to myself till it's a definite yes. 

I'm back to 30-day challenge printouts after a month. I am new to listening to my feelings and listening to my gut. So I still have a little bit left to question myself. occasionally God gives me confirmation. What looks like '

your decision is wrong and you need to change it.'

is actually

'You are right, don't question, don't doubt,'

I need to spend these next few days in peace and happiness. I won't allow universal credit to still my happy. Do not replace it with anxiety and stress.

55 minutes, see you when see you

Morning Page #271

Woke at 4:12 a.m. I had a dream that I won't be mentioning or writing down. It was horrible and not how I would behave in real life. Not a nightmare in the world's sense. 

I am thinking of an art idea, a drawing of my pet peeves. I'm also thinking of my dream life. Being in a relationship and living with zero people pleasing and zero worry about money. Just living my best life. I was recently reminded of some morning pages on Timehop. It motivated me to write some. 

Currently watching American Dad and drinking hot chocolate.

Daydreamed about making a pot of hot chocolate the way I made it today with peanut butter. Then stopping short and asked my best friend. 

Are you allergic to peanuts?

She nods 

Oh my God, I almost killed you. 

Writing this got me thinking about my best friend. In the past, I would say I have a lot of friends but not a best friend and that would be a lie. I thought my feelings were based on another.  Saying she is my best friend and getting your not mine reaction would be heartbreaking. I would feel like an idiot. Because she has other friends and I've known her for 17 years. How egotistical for me to think I am her best one. 

I thought about a question that just popped into my head.

Why don't you hesitate?

Fear of rejection.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #270

I woke at 6:24 then I made a cup of tea.

Should I make it with milk or water, (because it is an option now) I went with water.

Went back to sleep and woke again at 10:51.

11:21 am American Dad episodes on my iPad. I haven't watched that show in months.

At the moment I'm worried about my phone appointment in 39 minutes. I think it's just a formality, but my overthinking brain won't shut off.

update: the appointment was quick. As in in 8 minutes minutes was just quick It was just a formality. To see if I have any savings or capital. I don't honestly know what that means. Money I guess, they really just needed to know if I was entitled to have my rent paid. Who knows I could have gotten rich in the last 3 years. Today has been a relaxing excited for the future day. I had two dreams that I forgot. I think one I went to watch a movie. Daydreaming about being In a relationship. I tell you what it is so refreshing to have removed the filter from my life. I'm still not mentioning any names but the crazy (and it's crazy because I am very single and the last time I looked he wasn't, that was 14 years ago) thinking of I've already met my future hubby. We will one day be living in my dream life of, business partners and parents to 6 maybe more kids. I daydream about him coming to pick me up for breakfast on a Sunday. 

Me: Is it Jacket weather outside?

Him It's pretty hot

Also kissing.

45 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Page #269

Woke at II: II today from a dream about my future hubby. I think the message was about standing still, and not chasing what I want. Letting god work, I don't need to fight anymore, God will provide.

11: 50 something 24/4/24 What I need is to go within and let go of distractions, like anxiety because of being forced to be in people-pleasing mode. Lack of money. I will trust God. Whilst also listening to what I want first. I refuse to live in negative anything. I won't allow any human to send me back. l won't let any are convince me I am wrong. No to being in a explain or proving situation. No to your wrong opinion of me. You will only see the truth from now on. No to being in a position that doesn't let me grow and brings me peace and happiness only. I ask God right now to take away any human being's power from my life. I rebuke the spirit of rudeness and evil. You think you have the power, you don't. God is always above you make the decisions but you are just a puppet In God's timeline. remove yourself from my path in Jesus' mighty name Amen.

37 Minutes, see you when I see you.