A true friend

Does anyone ever feel like their own definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else's.

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all.

Morning Page #280

Woke up at 9:20 am, and went to the kitchen. After, having a quick cold shower (became the boiler was off). I just washed my face and legs. I filmed today's YouTube video. Which turned out to be my autism journey. Then I made a short for Tiktok. It's an inspirational quote for the day. Has the date and everything. 

11:01 am cup of vanilla chai in front of me. Actually no, because I just finished it. Just turned 11:11 Note to self a good video idea. (I'll probably forget... Dear God help me to remember) I want to make these. 

1. a real brain dump.

2.... uh...I had one now I forgot. we'll come back to that.... oh how would I explain 

(btw I'm writing these while editing some YouTube videos)

Just letting God move my hands. I don't know if I've said it before on here. But I'll say it again anyway. (I think I have) I'm doing this 30 post a video a day on YouTube. This started on the 5th of July. I got the Idea a few days earlier. I said to myself I was going to do it on Friday, and I did. I'm also trying to...well God has... 

(and now I need to number 2)

...challenged me to see the beauty outside (As in my head), when I am feeling anxious. Right now it's about my Universal Credit appointment in 6 days. It will be a blessing when I can request to delete my account.

Yeah I'm going to have to pause this, It's 11:27 

11:39, Also anxious about money in general, And...

I think should I write down all my video Ideas. Or just let life happen.

(Ps: I didn't on the 15th of July when I was writing this up. Might still, let life happen.)

...paying for or stuff. I have zero pounds in my bank.

The beauty is out of my head. It's sunny outside, what I can see is my niece's bike. It's white and Purple, Purple, Seat white and Purple wheels. Now I am thinking about my... Please I was too young to write crush, which ended in year 5 (2010). No Suleymen Mehmet Mehmet is my future hubby, he is always on my mind, the song just popped into my head Elvis, but I'm also watching" DM to Df brace yourself the universe is taking you both on an unexpected detour *specific*

And the first message was so much has gone unsaid, yea, no s***. Btw I am not scared anymore to say his name or write it in this case. Scared because he might feel it's inappropriate because he's happily married with kids, or he feels like he has to reject. He's done that anyway many times. That's what has changed about me today. A lot of my fear has been removed. 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #279

Woke at 10:52 am. I decided to have a quick shower. Then took a cup to the kitchen 

11:11 am cup of tea leaf reading in front of me, American Dad on iPad

Ok so update, 

(1) I am back making YouTube videos again, started that on the 4th. 

(2) Also started on the 4th God has challenged me to get out of my head and look at the beauty around myself. Though I have written in that notebook in a few days. I'll do it today. 

(3) I went back to movies a day. Started on the 6th I think I watched the new Beverly Hills movie, Dune, big 6 Hero, The Wedding Ringer, and yesterday's Roleplay.

Oh, that was the 4th as well,

I'm quickly sanding myself into my daydreams about Sul. The recurring daydream about him showing up at my house with flowers. Today I daydreamed about him calling me sexy. Then saying the feeling is mutual. I said 'I want to say more but that's all I got,'

I've just been daydreaming about winning the lottery. The money would solve half my problems right now, and so would a house. I daydream about moving in with Sul and doing a couple of things including s**. I was daydreaming him ******** *** ******. Btw I am less fearful and I question myself less. The thing is not a lot of people will read this so I don't have to worry what people will think of me when l do. I write these blogs for myself, my future self to be exact, and him.

Suleymen Mehmet, that's who I've been in love with since 27th November 2006. In my head, he is my future hubby. Even though I haven't seen him in 17 years. I know the same amount of information I knew in 2006. 

Why?

I am quiet and I don't like conversing with people. I get my information from observation.

Just got the idea to talk directly to Sul. I've been in love with you since 2006. Even if you start today work up the courage to tell me the truth of feelings. Even if they are the opposite of how I feel. I think It's about time I knew.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #278

Woke up at 8:40, forgot a dream and used the bathroom. The Tiktok package came, I think I'll open it when I come back from my appointment.

9:04 cup of tea leaf tea In front of me American dad on my iPad. Yesterday I watched the new Beverly cop movie. A huge dose of nostalgia for me. It was the D-list cast who gave a D-list performance. If you had given me 10 guesses I wouldn't have guessed Joseph Gordon Levitt, not Kevin Bacon. 

For my appointment today! My goal is to open my eyes and look at the beauty around me. I have to let go of fear, fear of the outcome of things, fear of not being perfect, fear of being wrong. being wrong. Fear of my work coach (superior that she thinks she is!) saying sanctions. Mostly fear of my joy being stolen. Having to think about this appointment until the next one. She gave me something to do. Telling me I didn't this enough or that enough. I am taking back my power over my life, you have zero say.

I won't be seeing you in my future no way. Everything that is causing me pain removed yourself in Jesus' name.

35 minutes, see you when I see you.