Morning Page #272

 I couldn't sleep because of the gas and electricity. At four something I sent the reminder message, and I received the money in an hour. 

Couldn't sleep because I was thinking of my appointment on the 22nd. I'm frustrated that I have to force myself to people-please. 

I'm feeling pretty stupid for feeling how I feel about my crush. To dream about marriage and kids when my story is single at 65. Been thinking about feeling guilty ever since that question. It feels wrong somehow to fantasize about a dream life that the other person is not on board with or living it with someone else. I would love it if I knew the truth. Maybe I haven't yet because I wasn't ready to hear it. 

11:24 am A cup of sleep and calm twinnings tea in front of me. American Dad episodes on my iPad. 

A new job opportunity came up, It's one I have thought of before yet not seriously. One of my oldest sister suggested it because she wants to do it too. When you hear it you might say

'Really, ooh right, get it, girl,' You also might have figured it out from the clues. I'll keep it to myself till it's a definite yes. 

I'm back to 30-day challenge printouts after a month. I am new to listening to my feelings and listening to my gut. So I still have a little bit left to question myself. occasionally God gives me confirmation. What looks like '

your decision is wrong and you need to change it.'

is actually

'You are right, don't question, don't doubt,'

I need to spend these next few days in peace and happiness. I won't allow universal credit to still my happy. Do not replace it with anxiety and stress.

55 minutes, see you when see you

Morning Page #271

Woke at 4:12 a.m. I had a dream that I won't be mentioning or writing down. It was horrible and not how I would behave in real life. Not a nightmare in the world's sense. 

I am thinking of an art idea, a drawing of my pet peeves. I'm also thinking of my dream life. Being in a relationship and living with zero people pleasing and zero worry about money. Just living my best life. I was recently reminded of some morning pages on Timehop. It motivated me to write some. 

Currently watching American Dad and drinking hot chocolate.

Daydreamed about making a pot of hot chocolate the way I made it today with peanut butter. Then stopping short and asked my best friend. 

Are you allergic to peanuts?

She nods 

Oh my God, I almost killed you. 

Writing this got me thinking about my best friend. In the past, I would say I have a lot of friends but not a best friend and that would be a lie. I thought my feelings were based on another.  Saying she is my best friend and getting your not mine reaction would be heartbreaking. I would feel like an idiot. Because she has other friends and I've known her for 17 years. How egotistical for me to think I am her best one. 

I thought about a question that just popped into my head.

Why don't you hesitate?

Fear of rejection.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #270

I woke at 6:24 then I made a cup of tea.

Should I make it with milk or water, (because it is an option now) I went with water.

Went back to sleep and woke again at 10:51.

11:21 am American Dad episodes on my iPad. I haven't watched that show in months.

At the moment I'm worried about my phone appointment in 39 minutes. I think it's just a formality, but my overthinking brain won't shut off.

update: the appointment was quick. As in in 8 minutes minutes was just quick It was just a formality. To see if I have any savings or capital. I don't honestly know what that means. Money I guess, they really just needed to know if I was entitled to have my rent paid. Who knows I could have gotten rich in the last 3 years. Today has been a relaxing excited for the future day. I had two dreams that I forgot. I think one I went to watch a movie. Daydreaming about being In a relationship. I tell you what it is so refreshing to have removed the filter from my life. I'm still not mentioning any names but the crazy (and it's crazy because I am very single and the last time I looked he wasn't, that was 14 years ago) thinking of I've already met my future hubby. We will one day be living in my dream life of, business partners and parents to 6 maybe more kids. I daydream about him coming to pick me up for breakfast on a Sunday. 

Me: Is it Jacket weather outside?

Him It's pretty hot

Also kissing.

45 minutes see you when I see you.