Morning Page #293

Right now it's 23:01 in the evening...yea

Today a year ago I asked God to remove the things causing me pain. When I realised not gonna lie I was a bit disappointed and sad. Beyim exactly where I was a year ago. Then I caught myself I actually am far away from where I was a year ago. I may not be out yet but I can be positive about the fact I am closer. Also I hate that God had to remind me that he sees the bigger picture. He is all the steps ahead. 

Today I had a duck wrap and chicken boritio, chicken boritio is dry so I put some b+q sauce and on the duck wrap just because, both from pret. I made myself a cup of tea from loose leaf (which is low) and did a tea leaf reading. I was trying to decide what to watch, I put on murder she wrote. An then decided to watch something in Disney+. I clicked on American dad. I was binge watching that up until a few hours ago.

I'm pausing this to dry my clothes in the washing machine.

23:23

00:03 back after drying my clothes, making myself a plate of leftover rice and stew. Also my mum came back from church. 

I can't help but notice... sometimes it needs to be slapped in my face, so obvious...I don't know...I was thinking of a phrase but I forgot it. Everything I am was because I was forced to become that.

Patience because I cared too much what people thought of me.

I have a never give up attitude because it is (still is) very difficult for me to talk to people, to ask questions for fear of being wrong. The one that started me down this thought. 

I don't complain because I didn't feel like I could speak up about what I needed (which btw also made me independent)

I know for fact I couldn't have been who I am (also known as the person God knew from before birth) in fact it's the world that has beaten that out of me. It started when I was in school and was told speak up like I was doing it on purpose. 

Anyway I diagress 

...now if I had to talk to be I know I would have to find vadication in people. I can't rely on others to tell me who I am. That's apparent when the people from my past considered me shy...They we're wrong. I'm quiet no doubt. How do I know I'm funny because I talk to myself. I am the most important one in this situation. 

59 minutes I see you when I see you

Morning Page #292 Actions speak louder than words.

8:07 am, I woke at 7 something, might be close to 50. I poped in some throat sweets,

ah 08:08

I feel that was a mistake, weird that my mouth doesnt feel weird affer the two throat sweets (Lockets btw) I had it last night. Maybe because I had tea too.

yes that must be it. I went to the kitchen made myself a cup of of tea, cup of sweet dreams tea in front of me Spotify Playlist love story on. I recentntly as in yesterday found myself on my playlists. I am making my way through to see if I should delete them. I'm sure there's a lot of repeated songs. I slept to youtube 

Tea check: Still hot, I thought it would be warm.

I am going to start adding these to my blog again. Starting with this one. I think God gave no these Morning Pages and Me without a filter on Tiktok because he knew the with a filter was killing me. Walking on eggshells, hiding how I really feel so that I dont upset the people around me is exhausting, understandable Ive done it for 40 years. 

Tea check: Still hot but...no it's not drinkable. (Perseeds to burn her mouth)

Current song playing let's stay together by Lemur.

The truth is I 've been going through depression since 28th Nov 2024. I havent heard a thing from a 'friend,' in years apart from that one who knows who she is. Honestly our last conversation didn't feel like friends It felt like she was my therapist. That's why I haven't texted since then. It felt like I was an inconvenience to her, I was disturbing her. I feel lonely, if I didn't have family and God I would have no one. 

Tea check: Drinkable 

Bottom line is actions speak louder than words. I have...I didn't realise I was hurting myself by giving people the benefit of the doubt. I mean If I asked when is the last time you spoke to a friend (assuming you have some). You probably would say something close to a week at least. It's not normal to not hear from people who consider themselves your friends in years. There's only one conclusion from this those relationships were one sided, including my crush / love of my life/ future hubby. 

It seems like I took a truck load from this, more than they did. 

A lot of this requires I don't take this personally but the thing is 

I am and I will.

I just had a realisation that is what God has been trying to teach me. The lesson that has been starring me in the face.

I can say

They lost my number (or didn't take/want it in the first place)

I can say

They are busy.

I can even go as far to say 

They forgot I existed, which hurts me to my core.

But by doing that I break my own heart by ignoring my feelings.

Actions speak louder then words. You might as well have stabbed me that would have hurt less than this unnecessary silence. I'm sick of living in guess work of fighting to be seen. I know when you read this next sentence you will have an answer ready but resist that. 

I'm sick of teaching people what I need. they should know.

(not mind readers)

It should not be this hard to be understood.

The thing is I've spent 40 years trying to do just that. Beating myself up when it falls on death ears. Disappointed by the response. I am exhausted. On the 14th July I decided  I'm done with that. I'm staying still and whatever is meant for me will find me.

I've been living my life wrong it's not normal to explain as you go. I wake up I go to the toilet to pee. I decide to shower since I'm here. Or get a drink from the kitchen, decide to make breakfast. Or do those things and then come to the opposite conclusion. I cannot put myself through this mentally and physically.

58 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #291 Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Currently Its 5:48 In the afternoon. I know its not morning but I really wanted to write this on New years day. I plan to write a crazy amount this year. I mean tecnically It can only be 365, lol. I had a Peace and Peppermint tea to start the day. Wrote two dreams and a thought thought for my jars, filmed me without of filter. This year will be the best year ever. I expect a lot of pleasant surprises very positive, things removed. The people sent to destroy me and cause me pain and negativity will not succeed. In fact it will be sent back to them. Their thoughts about me in a a negative way will be sent back to them. Drama is not for me keep me out of it. Anxiety will be less this year. I'm living on the end of a lot of things. I will be out of survival mode in Jesus name. Out of rooms that feel like a chore. Out of rooms where I have to filter in Jesus name.

13 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #290

I am writing this at 5:46 am. I Just work up had a quick shower and decided to make a plate of fruit. Also made a cup of tea.

I am done fighting,

I am done explaining myself to people. 

I am letting go. What is going to happen will happen.

I am done trying to stop what is going to happen from happening. God has been trying to get through to me that the only thing I need to do is nothing. It's not easy and I think I need to let that go also.

not being able to do what God says straight away. What I've realized is I am not meant to follow God blindly, I am not meant to follow anyone blindly, I am not a robot I'm not perfection. I have doubts, my brain forgets. It forgets that I am strong enough to handle anything that is thrown at me. I forget that I have in the past. I forgot that God is all knowing all seeing. He has seen my story play out. He has seen the bigger picture. I will be anxious about tomorrow where my brain forgets everything is always ok. I have decided a few days ago to just accept the way things are. I want...no I need a change this year. I want to be out of survival mode this month. If I don't hear anything from my crush before 2025 I have to accept the fact he is dead and start the grieving process 

59 minutes, see you when I see you you

Morning Page #289

I managed to get to sleep last night and woke up around 9:48 am, Had a quick shower, in face I did my wash day. Where I wash my hair and do my facial routine, brush my teeth and shower.

Facial routine = spot control soap, Moistriser refresher. I also started using black soap. I've done it only less than five times. I dont know If see a difference yet. I realised I hadn't done my wash day since the 10th that's eight days. After my shower I folded the clothes drying on the doors and made myself a cup of tea. Wrote in my diaries, sure its only 11 but still.

11:45 am, Also the time of my appointment tomorrow. A cup of black tea (I don't know which one because it doesnt say the brand is Dragon... something). I got it in the Yummy boy I recently brought. I am anxious about my Universal Credit appointment tomorrow. They have said it will be up to the desicion maker. I don't care how they spin it that is a threat. And while were on the subject don't try to lie to yourself with sanctions are not the same. Look it up on Google. If you say if don't do this you will be this that thing is a threat. I just don't want to be forced to say what I don't want to. I don't want to tell them about what is going on with my sister. It's none of their business. On top of that these appointments are not done in private it's all out in the open. Where anyone can hear. I hope they change that in the future. I am going over and over having to explain myself. But what will actually happen is they will ask

'How my job search is going?'

Maybe ask why I didn't go to my interview. Book the next one, that's it. I am frustrated, because what's the point. I am anxious I'm overthinking for nothing. I can't go on like this anymore. I have my hands full walking on a tight rope and I've had enough. I need to know the truth of what happened between me and my crush. I request it happening this year. I need to be out of survival mode. If not I just have accept the the fact that my crush dies. And start the grieving process. 

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #288

Today I won't start with what I did and what I'm drinking. I Just say I had a quick shower and then I came to my room after making a cup of tea. It was 11:11. So I decided to write this I've been thinking lately about when today becomes history. I mean I have diaries from 2018, 2019 ect ect, I can look at them. Not that those are seen as history yet but I can read them and be taken straight back there. This reason has been added to why I write. Also so that I I can can have what I truly feel written down. So I eventually go through convincing myself I'm wrong because it will happen. I have an even to go to tomorrow (29th October) which I don't really want to go to. When my work coach suggested it I was positive about it. That was on the 7th November. On the one hand I'm trying to convince myself I'mok with it because I have to go,. I wish Universal Credit work coaches realise how demoralising it is to hear manditory. How Is you forcing someone to go to somewhere they don't want to. And this is a normal practice. Also on the other hand I don't want things to change. I'm very fearful of that. 

These are the things that are weighing me down and stopping me being my authentic true self.

(1) Having to explain my feelings, whi I did it that way? Why I am saying not what you think will be good for me

(2) Going through the process of convincing myself I'm wrong. The amount of time I waste in this energy.

(3) Keep silent with the truth of my feelings in order to not rock the boat or upset Lock the boat

My goal is to rid myself of these. Life is not meant to be lived with another person first, it's not.

1 hr, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #287

I'm feeling anxious today generally because of having to socialise and money. I stayed in bed for a few feeling sorry for myself then I got up and had a quick shower. After that I was feeling a lot better. I went to the kitchen refilled...

Btw I usually write this lying on my stomach but for some reason my wrist is hurting.

...my hot water bottle and poured a cup of hot water. When I came back to my room I saw it was 11:11, that put a smile on my face so I decided to write a Morning Page. I just now realized the depression I went through, the second one that ended when I checked myself into hospital. It was burn out because I wasn't so much sad as lacking energy. Like...I would say 60% 

oops I forgot to write the time. It was 11:38 when I started now it's 11.48. Which one will I count it from (the first one I just decided) I don't know.

I am on a mission to become my authentic true self. The person I am when I'm alone. I was going to say this mission started when I asked myself is it possible to live in zero people pleasing? 

The answer: absoutely yes.

But I think it was me realise the person I am when I am alone Is my goal. 

Step one: To let go of the fear of the outcome of every little thing. 

Step two: (which was very recent) Getting out of my head. Trying to sprint away from overthinking as much as I can. Now I will not be perfect I might even find I've only managed to do this once for the last month of the year. Its like when someone quits something like drinking or drugs. You can't just quit cold turkey. I just thought about looking back on old of these goese back to 2019. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.