Morning Page #297 Remove them forever please

I slept at 6 something..Woke at just before 7am. Today is a morning routine to tackle exhaustion day. Step into bright light, drink a glass of water (no salt though). I had a quick shower. Put my iPad on to charge and put on an episode of diagnosis murder.

8:01 calm twinnings tea in front of me. 

I'm was excited to write a morning page today but there's a smell I can't locate. It smells of wee. It's so annoying. Is it a rat? I just showered, it's not the bin because bits new (a new bin liner) 

Tea check: Drinkable 

Depression is harder this time around. It's always there. I think about the after. I had an overwhelming feeling that the plane I was on was going to crash. Also on the 23rd Sigh ni had an overwhelming feeling of jumping out of my hotel window to my death. I imagined falling in front of the two people walking past. I didn't feel this way again the whole trip. And I didn't feel like the plane I was on going home was going to crash (much). 

I feel like I was invited to a party that everyone and their dog knows is a prank. There's just been souch silence. I could really use a friend right now. I can't keep going this way . I can't continue being a beggar friend and guesswork. I beg every day for God to take these feelings away and reveal the truth. Remove the things causing me pain. Remove me thinking that my friends care, they don't. Please I am on my knees remove my feelings for the guy who doesn't remember I exist. Let alone that we use to be friends. Please let me move on so that I can find the guy who actually wants me. I have waited enough time on this. I can't keep believe it's him and me and.our 6 kids it's not, it's clearly not. I feel like a stupid punk. Silence is what I got. Please help me to breath again. I need my dreams and daydreamsvas a reality or for them to be removed forever this year.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Update: The smell was from the bed sheets I forgot about in my bed drawers that got dam because of the leak from the bathroom that came in to my room. All washed now and no more smell, 🙏🏽thank God

Morning Page #296 Why so exhausted

Woke at 10:20ish

 Oh... a part of my dream came back to me.

I am trying to tackle exhaustion and tired-ness. So I was doing that.

10:55am Murder she wrote episodes on my Ipad. Currently only season 2:15 on channel 5

Two things I know

(1) It's not normal 

I wake and then 20 minutes later or less I am exhausted.

(2) It may have something to do with my worming routine (since I've done this 2 other days it seams its working) but it has nothing to do with the fact that I live in my bed. Because this has only been since this year and that has been my routine for 10 years. Maybe more, I would say...my teen years if I'm honest. 

The morning routine is this.

1.Sit up

2.Open the curtains 

3.Step into bright light

4.Drink a full glass of water (add a pinch of salt🤷🏾) 

5.After 20- 30 minutes eat a small protein snack, nuts, yogurt a boiled egg (Today was a boiled egg)

6.Avoid lying or sitting in dim light for 30 minutes after waking.

I'm also doing 5 goals for 30 days. 

{1} One small creative piece a week.

{2} 10-25 minutes emotional release (which today is a morning page) 

{3} Create a core values list

{4} No screens 29 minutes after waking.

{5} To have conversations without a filter. Currently I've had 2. It's been 4 days. 

Emotional release: I'm a little anxious about my UC appointment in 2 days. I am scared of being in trouble or then saying I can't go. Blaming me for saying yes to that course or thinking I did it on purpose. I fear not being able to explain myself and not getting receptionist removed from my journal. And therefore having in my head while on my holiday. That is my focus get receptionist removed. I am beating myself up. Why on earth would I say yes when the answer is clearly no. Admin stresss me out . And I don't want a job in hospitality. What happens is I think it's too late to change my mind so I been convincing myself I actually can do this course anyway, the small print of /customer service. 

Distracted by the scratch in the inside of my left ear. I forgot what I was going to write. I will just let my work coach take the lead. But lie I said receptionist needs to be removed.

53 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #295 The truth {How I feel these days}

Woke at 9:48am, last night I was feeling the full affects of depression. I'm not fully over it now. I got that way because I was thinking about having to force myself to people please. Why must I still be surrounded by negativity. I'm not just surrounded, I'm cemented. I mean am I going to be here for another 5 years. If so why couldn't you just leave me in ignorant bliss. 

I just had an accident with my ice cream (dropped it) and had to change my clothes. Literally just changed my shorts. I was trying to pick something up but I dropped my ice cream on myself.

10: 20am Murder she wrote on my iPad. Black tea in front of me. Watching tarot set me off. You know made my mood low. I think it might be time to stop for a while. When it stops being excited for the future and starts being frustration and anger. You've been saying this for years, since 2021tk be exact. Maybe I just need to except that my life is not temporary. That I will be single and in survival mode till I die. 

Tea check: Drinkable 

I've been thinking about death more and more this year. Mine and my families. I do believe a change is coming soon. Could it be my death. I feel safe in writing this because people have forgotten I exist. Nobody reads these but me. I'll put money on that. I see myself moving both physically and mentally. A drastic divine intervention by the hands of God. I think it's out of sight out of mind. I wonder what.is the thinking. I haven't heard from you in 10+ years. Do you think about me? Do you care if I'm alive? Obviously you thought I had friends around me. You were just living your life. It feels like when you have a question and then...that's it. In this day and age in my opinion you have no excuse to keep that question in your head. Because Google exists. The only explanation to the silence is they thought I was fine that I had other friends or they forgot I existed. I was for a while. I'm independent I don't really crave people. I'm still a human being though and at some point silence kills. It gives girl take a hint vibes. Maybe people I once called friends know I'm alive through social media.  Maybe you were supporting in silence. That's fine but it needs to be loud now. I think this year is the end of it all. I'm feels like God is preparing me for living in the next chapter and I'm ready.

56 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 294 What will it take for closure (to close this chapter)

11:19 murder she wrote on Ipad, sleep tea from twinnings.

I am mad the wheel on the suitcase broke and the superglue I have is finished. My left thumb is itching now. I am a mix of emotions. I feel like I should be grateful the first suitcase I brought was too small I thought. Now I have a bigger one like I said at least there will definitely be enough space. I am angry that the wheel broke the thing is new for goodness sake. Increased anger that my dupwrglur is finished and that I couldn't fix the wheel . Glad is the last day of my period. I'm also happy I have a new batch of tea. 

Tea check: drinkable 

This is the last year, after 1st of January 2026 I am done. You can only stretch your positity so far. I thought I had friends but the silence is deadly. The excuses don't fly anymore. I have received nothing and I don't know why. I would have been happy with a birthday wish every year.if that's all you can manage so be it. Nothing is not acceptable. I can't be the one initiating all the time. It feels very 'gorl take a hint vibes,' Maybe it's because I am a happy smiley positive person. People assume I have plenty of friends. I don't have any. It was just you guys. I clearly took more out of this than you. Maybe it wasn't that deep and your silence wasn't personal. Thing is I am and I will. It feels like the unpopular kid invited to a party by the popular kid and everyone and their dog knows it's a prank. I know I will one day be in a room again with these people. They will ask me. 

'You could have reached out,'

'You could have messaged me,'

I hope that when that day comes I am brave enough to say the truth. I couldn't put myself through the disappointment no more. My energy was low. Your reason is valid. It just be nice to know them for closure, like my crush. 

'I didn't know, I had no idea,'

Fact is you tell people how you feel with your actions. I'm not psychic I can't believe the opposite of the evidence forever. That makes me delusional and I can't live there a day longer. Truth is love plane and simple. Despite the nothing it hasn't gone away it's gotten bigger. I wondered how he will react when he finds this out. Is he even alive? If so why would God give me something to hope for that is not possible. For my closure I need the truth. That's the next part of my healing.

37 minutes, see you when I see you.