Morning Page #285 The same amount of me without a filters on Tiktok

Woke just before 11.20 and had a shower. I know because when I went to the kitchen after it was 11:19. I saw It on my mum's phone but she but she was asleep. I wanted to try something that has worked in the past. The tea's I brought are rubbish.

11:36 am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my IPad. A cup of water, hot with lime and onion (purple)

I did a plece of art work that was what it actually means to put yourself in someone's shoes. The clock my mum had made is broken it came like that. I think because my mum didn't open it straight away and the package was pushed around. I wont tell my mum through because I don't want her to send it back. There's a new step to my thought of believing things are about to charge. These are things that on paper could be concidered cowincedence But like I've leant your life needs to be what you make it. It needs to be your life through your eyes. 

Now I can't remember what the second one was but the first one was Lyle and Enc menendez new trai. It's looking like they may get released.

Tea check: drinkable Its a little bitter. I think I picked the the wrong onions. 

Note to self: Only the white onions from now on.

The Menendez brothers killed both their parents after years of the worst kind of abuse.

Today is the of last day of my period and my latest Universal Credit appointment was on the 9th. I thought about resheduling it. It was 2 days ago and I was on my period. I didnt because I didn't want to have to think about it again. To worry I might get sanctioned for missing my appointment for a few days. 

Nothing new with my quest to manifest getting my crush to ask me to marry him. Except I am current working on letting my negative thoughts go. I daydream him turning up to my house with flowers and asking me out. The fact that he doesnt know where I live and has shown zero interest in me romantically is neither here nor there.

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #284

I woke thinking about Sul. Yea I'm past saying it's a crush and not mentioning names, this is love. 

Oh I just remembered my dream. Althrough not much of what happened. I know one of the guy's I met  during 'Get a life,' was there. Probably why I think I saw Sul.

Tea check: Warm drinkable

Woke up at 10:50 and had a quick shower. The loose tea leaf I order came in the post brought to me by my niece. I havent had a loose leaf tea in months

11:43am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my new Ipad (yea) It came with a mouse and keyboard, Loose leaf tea in front of me.

I wonder if I've writen about what I am about to write in here before. Just update on my life/ thoughts. 

Well a good example of how my thinking has changed is. I shaved my hair into a Mohawk style (oh surprise) on the 29th September. That would be 2 days ago right now. Then my eldest (or is it better to say oldest) brother said you know i can do it, you should have asked me. My reason for saying no was this

(1) I hate relying on other people that's the main one.

(2) It's about the experience. That's a skill I now have.

(3) I can't go down perfection avenue. This happened when I first shaved my hair it was patchy. My sister asked do I want to get it shaped. Right then I knew she missed the point.

It cant be about what it looks like to others. It has to be what it gives me. What it does for me. 

Because before that day I hadn't cut my hair that is an achievement. I need to be brutally honest about  the things that make me unhappy. And work on riding myself od those things for my future. Need to be brutally honest about the energies I am surrounding myself in.

24 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Page #283 chapter 40

I woke and had a quick shower. My iPad had gone off because I wasn't charging it. I saw that it was 11:51. When I came back after my shower. I went to the kitchen to charge my hot water bottle and I decide to make a cup of tea.

12:30 cup of PG tips in front of me. 8 out of 10 cats on my iPad. 

Had a dream but can't remember it. Ant and Dec were there. I just got a message that my Universal Credit appointment will be changed to phone. Yes God is truly working behind the scenes. 

Ok, I am stuck on what to write so I'm just going to let it all out. The me without a filter of how I'm really feeling. Just remembered I haven't filmed a video in weeks for YouTube. I am going to do that in the next few days, maybe today. I'm also doing a breathing exercise on Finch care. It's been going for 3 minutes, Inhale... hold for 3... exhale...hold for 3. The Finch care app (where you look after a virtual pet) I would say turning 40 was the beginning of my next chapter. On that day I felt older though not 40 years old. It's a feeling I've never felt before to feel older so quickly. Like when it's the 1st of Jan and you are still writing the previous year. What I know is I can't won't be living in the old Esther. This fearful Esther, scared of the consequences, the outcome of every move I make. I am leaving the people pleasing, filtering/explaining myself Esther. The putting self last and ignoring my feelings Esther. Walking on eggshells and hiding my truth in order to not upset another is no longer welcome. I am done making myself smaller.

43 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #282

Today's the start of a new chapter. Woke from a dream forgotten. On days like these it's emptying my head...no sorry that's when I don't remember the dream. I know something happened I just don't know what or who. Sometimes I see who, like the feeling. Today was my future hubby. When I walk I thought I saw 10:10 when I looked again it was 10:08. I was reluctant to write it in my science and messages from God notebook. God said still widely because it's what you saw. Change your thinking from supporting character. No more convincing yourself you are wrong. No more ignoring what you truly first thought. No more striving for perfection and definitely no people pleasing. It's time today to start whipping through life as a main character. You decide that's you. Don't let anyone tell me what you should do and where you should go. Get ready because... Requesting to delete your account on Universal Credit 

A new healthy relationship. 

Your own business and lots of travel is on the way. You are about to be living in dreams and day dreams as a reality 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Estherology 2024

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonise


What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I don't really have one to be honest with you, but anywhere but Nandos.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably crisps

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pineapple all the way

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter or just butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?
1

What color cell phone do you have?
Grey (new this year)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts) I was 14 years old.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My bed

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Noway, here's why I would be waiting for that day. In a physical sense and a literal sense.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No way Jose.

when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like shanique or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

Last person you hugged?

My oldest brother 


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
I think this means actual not place but I'll answer it both ways.

Christmas and Hawaii (hope to get there one day)

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?

I've had a crush/ been in love with him since 2006. Haven't seen him in 17 years, SM. I don't know why I wrote it like that I've said his name on here before. All you need to do is stroll down one.

Mood?
Little tired mixed with excited for the future.

What are you listening to?
Nothing (well the sound of the fan). 

Watching?

8 out of 10 cats does countdown


**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The toilet 

What's the last movie you saw?


Do you smile often?
Yes, yes I do

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Unfortunately 


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
Hardly ever, I also don't get many phone calls so there's that.

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

An automatic text, doesn't matter which. Tesco mobile (which is where I bought this phone)

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I wouldn't.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I never had it. Pretty sure it's a...in fact I'll look it up...oh its a fast food restaurant, for drinks (they might sell food as well. I didn't check that) from the list it would be , Coconut, Watermelon, Pineapple, 

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Yes just brought a new one, but I'm not a fan it's a kids one. I'm gonna have to buy another better one.

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No...though we will probably have pet fish in the future.

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Be pleasantly surprised.

9) Can you do push ups?

Yes, 

10) Can you do a chin up?
I haven't tried one before.

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
So excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Grandma's lap, honestly think she tried to kill me, she hated me that much)

14) Do you have an accent?
Probably 

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Rihanna "Russian Roulette"

16) Plans tonight?
Complete my to do list 

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
06/10/2006 it was the worst day up to and since then.

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Nothing

19) Have you ever been given roses?
No

20) Current worry?
Money, Money, Money 

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yeah. manly friends

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
I've been thinking today about where I'll spend Christmas. For the past few years it's been at home alone 

24) What song represents you?
christina aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
Not a soul probably or future me in...let's say 3 years.

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it.

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No, late bloomer here and proud of it. Because there's a good reason for that.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Ears pierced and one tattoo on my right wrist. It's a heart shaped semi colon with a peace sign inside with 06/10/2006 underneath.

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
God said just say yes.

30) Does anyone love you?
Yes.a lot of people do.

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatevers in my head

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
nope


34) When did you last cry?
can't remember

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Myself 

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?

No, full stop. (When it comes to ex's) You can be friendly, but friends that's a no from me. It's not like I have any of those anyway. I was going say something different for prospects. It's kinda the same really. You don't want to torture yourself. How I feel about my crush is it's a relationship or nothing. And he has made his feelings clear.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Old (in every sense of the word, lol. I gest) I've made less than 5 friends this year. All of them through social media.

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Sure

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Nothing hopefully

Morning Page #281

I am writing this at 13:34 because I really wanted to write a morning page. 

Woke at 8:08 I know this because I sit sleeper tracker. The thing with that is it will sometimes say not a great sleep when it was a good sleep. I think it's because sleep tracker measures everything. How long it took me to fall asleep (which is not always accurate), how long I am in r.e.m and deep sleep?. I just measure how many hours IDoes anyone ever feel like their definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else?

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all. slept? And how I felt. I think the point is I must look this earth from my eyes only. This is a lesson I'm learning recently. Today I'm worrying about my universal credit appointment on the 15th. I need uc2 disappea, the number one thing that will make me happier. Also getting a message from my crush but let's focus on this for now. 

I'm going over and over conversations in my head

(1) I need her to stop treating me like I'm younger than my age. Being patronised is annoying. You have eyes to see I'm not six so stop speaking to me like I'm stupid.

(2) I need my work coach to recognise her role. Which is to be an advisor. She doesn't get a say in what I do and how I live my life. I think sometime she forgets that. And that she needs her power removed. I need to do things my way. In fact it's essential that I do. So she says you need to call them or you should go there. I don't want to force myself to do it to please her. Where I forget reason, I hate talking to people on the phone. And need to think about the travel money, to think about wasting money. I can't live my life to please others anymore that stops today. 

Few days ago I felt my bed break. So I've been looking up a new one. Today I decided I should find a mattress then by the bottom bed a later date. 

45 minutes, see you when I see.

A true friend

Does anyone ever feel like their own definition of a friend is miles different from everyone else's.

For me once we meet and I've considered you a friend, that's it we are friends for life. Doesn't matter if we haven't spoken or seen each other in 10+ years. Unless you do something that changes that. And that that 'something' falls under the umbrella of 'the way you treat me and the way you treat others,' But I have to admit I dont think the people I concider friends have the same definition. It's making me a little paranoid to be honest with you. I'm a little confused right now and am going down the road of 'Was it something I did? Was it something I said? I feel ghosted, like 'You were just someone I used to know, but friend is stretching it,'  I mean I know people are busy and have families to look after. It's just a message (or a little like on a post) here or there a little hi how's life? I don't like feeling egnored. 

You may say 'Well you could reach out too,' well no because I don't have numbers. And that right there 'girl take a hint,'

I can't do anything with nothing right. That shows me that I'm alone in thinking of us as friends (I don't want to disturb you) and when in the hell did I get that Idea.

I feel like the unpopular kid in the school who gets invited to a party by the popular kids. She doesn't know it was all a joke and noone actually likes her. It's just that someone forgot to say the punchline.

On another note I do have friends who I know are that by their actions. Those are the ones I have their number and they have mine. Friends being scattered around the world is not an excuse. Those people still find time for me, a like, a comment. Maybe I'll just have to accept that their point of view is different from mine. All you can control is what you say and what you do after all.