Morning Page #288

Today I won't start with what I did and what I'm drinking. I Just say I had a quick shower and then I came to my room after making a cup of tea. It was 11:11. So I decided to write this I've been thinking lately about when today becomes history. I mean I have diaries from 2018, 2019 ect ect, I can look at them. Not that those are seen as history yet but I can read them and be taken straight back there. This reason has been added to why I write. Also so that I I can can have what I truly feel written down. So I eventually go through convincing myself I'm wrong because it will happen. I have an even to go to tomorrow (29th October) which I don't really want to go to. When my work coach suggested it I was positive about it. That was on the 7th November. On the one hand I'm trying to convince myself I'mok with it because I have to go,. I wish Universal Credit work coaches realise how demoralising it is to hear manditory. How Is you forcing someone to go to somewhere they don't want to. And this is a normal practice. Also on the other hand I don't want things to change. I'm very fearful of that. 

These are the things that are weighing me down and stopping me being my authentic true self.

(1) Having to explain my feelings, whi I did it that way? Why I am saying not what you think will be good for me

(2) Going through the process of convincing myself I'm wrong. The amount of time I waste in this energy.

(3) Keep silent with the truth of my feelings in order to not rock the boat or upset Lock the boat

My goal is to rid myself of these. Life is not meant to be lived with another person first, it's not.

1 hr, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #287

I'm feeling anxious today generally because of having to socialise and money. I stayed in bed for a few feeling sorry for myself then I got up and had a quick shower. After that I was feeling a lot better. I went to the kitchen refilled...

Btw I usually write this lying on my stomach but for some reason my wrist is hurting.

...my hot water bottle and poured a cup of hot water. When I came back to my room I saw it was 11:11, that put a smile on my face so I decided to write a Morning Page. I just now realized the depression I went through, the second one that ended when I checked myself into hospital. It was burn out because I wasn't so much sad as lacking energy. Like...I would say 60% 

oops I forgot to write the time. It was 11:38 when I started now it's 11.48. Which one will I count it from (the first one I just decided) I don't know.

I am on a mission to become my authentic true self. The person I am when I'm alone. I was going to say this mission started when I asked myself is it possible to live in zero people pleasing? 

The answer: absoutely yes.

But I think it was me realise the person I am when I am alone Is my goal. 

Step one: To let go of the fear of the outcome of every little thing. 

Step two: (which was very recent) Getting out of my head. Trying to sprint away from overthinking as much as I can. Now I will not be perfect I might even find I've only managed to do this once for the last month of the year. Its like when someone quits something like drinking or drugs. You can't just quit cold turkey. I just thought about looking back on old of these goese back to 2019. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #286

Yesterday gas and electricity was low. I really wish I had enough money so I don't have to rely on others, thats the goal. Anyway sent the message, funny thing is it was different this time. Where's I would  be awatke with anxiety about the electricity going off and having to ask for more because of power up. Not only that I managed to sleep in peace -

10:19: Just finished cup of PG tips. 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my iPad 

I forgot what I was going to write now I've been thinking lately about lookin back on these days. You know when others look back as...well when today has become history. I started down this road when I really started thinking about wasting time. I didn't want to look back and see the anxiety. I dont want to look back having spent it doing what others want me to do or people pleasing. I think that's why I start with that at the beginning. So this is for when people my kids and their kids read this in 100 years.

It's now 10: 46 I am currently watching 8 out of to Cats does countdown on my Ipad. I recently brought a new one. That one is slow and crashes a lot. It cost me £69..and a bit and it came with a keyboard and mouse. I think I might take it back to factory settings. I wonder if I'll rememeber if I did when this day becones history. I just printed out a step by step guide to achieve my dream lif. Living in Hawall with hubby. I'm saying we will have at least 6 kids in 2024 (as in that's what I think) I wonder how many we will actually have. These days I'm working on focusing on what I see in my future and removing my focus from the things I don't want to see in my future. These include 

Universal Credit our version of work based benefit today. Not many people like I dont think it will stand the test of time. 

Getting rid of my need to people please and hid how I'm truly feeling 

USA election planned for November between Karmal Harris and Donald Trump. P diddy was (I mean you won't know who that is so look him up) arrested last week. I am leaning heavily into my spiritual side. This month I've been focusing on vision from God. This whole year focusing on messages from God and the universe. Love seeing a heart and angel number. 

1 hour you 17 When minutes See see you.

Morning Page #285 The same amount of me without a filters on Tiktok

Woke just before 11.20 and had a shower. I know because when I went to the kitchen after it was 11:19. I saw It on my mum's phone but she but she was asleep. I wanted to try something that has worked in the past. The tea's I brought are rubbish.

11:36 am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my IPad. A cup of water, hot with lime and onion (purple)

I did a plece of art work that was what it actually means to put yourself in someone's shoes. The clock my mum had made is broken it came like that. I think because my mum didn't open it straight away and the package was pushed around. I wont tell my mum through because I don't want her to send it back. There's a new step to my thought of believing things are about to charge. These are things that on paper could be concidered cowincedence But like I've leant your life needs to be what you make it. It needs to be your life through your eyes. 

Now I can't remember what the second one was but the first one was Lyle and Enc menendez new trai. It's looking like they may get released.

Tea check: drinkable Its a little bitter. I think I picked the the wrong onions. 

Note to self: Only the white onions from now on.

The Menendez brothers killed both their parents after years of the worst kind of abuse.

Today is the of last day of my period and my latest Universal Credit appointment was on the 9th. I thought about resheduling it. It was 2 days ago and I was on my period. I didnt because I didn't want to have to think about it again. To worry I might get sanctioned for missing my appointment for a few days. 

Nothing new with my quest to manifest getting my crush to ask me to marry him. Except I am current working on letting my negative thoughts go. I daydream him turning up to my house with flowers and asking me out. The fact that he doesnt know where I live and has shown zero interest in me romantically is neither here nor there.

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #284

I woke thinking about Sul. Yea I'm past saying it's a crush and not mentioning names, this is love. 

Oh I just remembered my dream. Althrough not much of what happened. I know one of the guy's I met  during 'Get a life,' was there. Probably why I think I saw Sul.

Tea check: Warm drinkable

Woke up at 10:50 and had a quick shower. The loose tea leaf I order came in the post brought to me by my niece. I havent had a loose leaf tea in months

11:43am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my new Ipad (yea) It came with a mouse and keyboard, Loose leaf tea in front of me.

I wonder if I've writen about what I am about to write in here before. Just update on my life/ thoughts. 

Well a good example of how my thinking has changed is. I shaved my hair into a Mohawk style (oh surprise) on the 29th September. That would be 2 days ago right now. Then my eldest (or is it better to say oldest) brother said you know i can do it, you should have asked me. My reason for saying no was this

(1) I hate relying on other people that's the main one.

(2) It's about the experience. That's a skill I now have.

(3) I can't go down perfection avenue. This happened when I first shaved my hair it was patchy. My sister asked do I want to get it shaped. Right then I knew she missed the point.

It cant be about what it looks like to others. It has to be what it gives me. What it does for me. 

Because before that day I hadn't cut my hair that is an achievement. I need to be brutally honest about  the things that make me unhappy. And work on riding myself od those things for my future. Need to be brutally honest about the energies I am surrounding myself in.

24 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Page #283 chapter 40

I woke and had a quick shower. My iPad had gone off because I wasn't charging it. I saw that it was 11:51. When I came back after my shower. I went to the kitchen to charge my hot water bottle and I decide to make a cup of tea.

12:30 cup of PG tips in front of me. 8 out of 10 cats on my iPad. 

Had a dream but can't remember it. Ant and Dec were there. I just got a message that my Universal Credit appointment will be changed to phone. Yes God is truly working behind the scenes. 

Ok, I am stuck on what to write so I'm just going to let it all out. The me without a filter of how I'm really feeling. Just remembered I haven't filmed a video in weeks for YouTube. I am going to do that in the next few days, maybe today. I'm also doing a breathing exercise on Finch care. It's been going for 3 minutes, Inhale... hold for 3... exhale...hold for 3. The Finch care app (where you look after a virtual pet) I would say turning 40 was the beginning of my next chapter. On that day I felt older though not 40 years old. It's a feeling I've never felt before to feel older so quickly. Like when it's the 1st of Jan and you are still writing the previous year. What I know is I can't won't be living in the old Esther. This fearful Esther, scared of the consequences, the outcome of every move I make. I am leaving the people pleasing, filtering/explaining myself Esther. The putting self last and ignoring my feelings Esther. Walking on eggshells and hiding my truth in order to not upset another is no longer welcome. I am done making myself smaller.

43 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #282

Today's the start of a new chapter. Woke from a dream forgotten. On days like these it's emptying my head...no sorry that's when I don't remember the dream. I know something happened I just don't know what or who. Sometimes I see who, like the feeling. Today was my future hubby. When I walk I thought I saw 10:10 when I looked again it was 10:08. I was reluctant to write it in my science and messages from God notebook. God said still widely because it's what you saw. Change your thinking from supporting character. No more convincing yourself you are wrong. No more ignoring what you truly first thought. No more striving for perfection and definitely no people pleasing. It's time today to start whipping through life as a main character. You decide that's you. Don't let anyone tell me what you should do and where you should go. Get ready because... Requesting to delete your account on Universal Credit 

A new healthy relationship. 

Your own business and lots of travel is on the way. You are about to be living in dreams and day dreams as a reality 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.