Morning Page #291 Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Currently Its 5:48 In the afternoon. I know its not morning but I really wanted to write this on New years day. I plan to write a crazy amount this year. I mean tecnically It can only be 365, lol. I had a Peace and Peppermint tea to start the day. Wrote two dreams and a thought thought for my jars, filmed me without of filter. This year will be the best year ever. I expect a lot of pleasant surprises very positive, things removed. The people sent to destroy me and cause me pain and negativity will not succeed. In fact it will be sent back to them. Their thoughts about me in a a negative way will be sent back to them. Drama is not for me keep me out of it. Anxiety will be less this year. I'm living on the end of a lot of things. I will be out of survival mode in Jesus name. Out of rooms that feel like a chore. Out of rooms where I have to filter in Jesus name.

13 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #290

I am writing this at 5:46 am. I Just work up had a quick shower and decided to make a plate of fruit. Also made a cup of tea.

I am done fighting,

I am done explaining myself to people. 

I am letting go. What is going to happen will happen.

I am done trying to stop what is going to happen from happening. God has been trying to get through to me that the only thing I need to do is nothing. It's not easy and I think I need to let that go also.

not being able to do what God says straight away. What I've realized is I am not meant to follow God blindly, I am not meant to follow anyone blindly, I am not a robot I'm not perfection. I have doubts, my brain forgets. It forgets that I am strong enough to handle anything that is thrown at me. I forget that I have in the past. I forgot that God is all knowing all seeing. He has seen my story play out. He has seen the bigger picture. I will be anxious about tomorrow where my brain forgets everything is always ok. I have decided a few days ago to just accept the way things are. I want...no I need a change this year. I want to be out of survival mode this month. If I don't hear anything from my crush before 2025 I have to accept the fact he is dead and start the grieving process 

59 minutes, see you when I see you you

Morning Page #289

I managed to get to sleep last night and woke up around 9:48 am, Had a quick shower, in face I did my wash day. Where I wash my hair and do my facial routine, brush my teeth and shower.

Facial routine = spot control soap, Moistriser refresher. I also started using black soap. I've done it only less than five times. I dont know If see a difference yet. I realised I hadn't done my wash day since the 10th that's eight days. After my shower I folded the clothes drying on the doors and made myself a cup of tea. Wrote in my diaries, sure its only 11 but still.

11:45 am, Also the time of my appointment tomorrow. A cup of black tea (I don't know which one because it doesnt say the brand is Dragon... something). I got it in the Yummy boy I recently brought. I am anxious about my Universal Credit appointment tomorrow. They have said it will be up to the desicion maker. I don't care how they spin it that is a threat. And while were on the subject don't try to lie to yourself with sanctions are not the same. Look it up on Google. If you say if don't do this you will be this that thing is a threat. I just don't want to be forced to say what I don't want to. I don't want to tell them about what is going on with my sister. It's none of their business. On top of that these appointments are not done in private it's all out in the open. Where anyone can hear. I hope they change that in the future. I am going over and over having to explain myself. But what will actually happen is they will ask

'How my job search is going?'

Maybe ask why I didn't go to my interview. Book the next one, that's it. I am frustrated, because what's the point. I am anxious I'm overthinking for nothing. I can't go on like this anymore. I have my hands full walking on a tight rope and I've had enough. I need to know the truth of what happened between me and my crush. I request it happening this year. I need to be out of survival mode. If not I just have accept the the fact that my crush dies. And start the grieving process. 

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #288

Today I won't start with what I did and what I'm drinking. I Just say I had a quick shower and then I came to my room after making a cup of tea. It was 11:11. So I decided to write this I've been thinking lately about when today becomes history. I mean I have diaries from 2018, 2019 ect ect, I can look at them. Not that those are seen as history yet but I can read them and be taken straight back there. This reason has been added to why I write. Also so that I I can can have what I truly feel written down. So I eventually go through convincing myself I'm wrong because it will happen. I have an even to go to tomorrow (29th October) which I don't really want to go to. When my work coach suggested it I was positive about it. That was on the 7th November. On the one hand I'm trying to convince myself I'mok with it because I have to go,. I wish Universal Credit work coaches realise how demoralising it is to hear manditory. How Is you forcing someone to go to somewhere they don't want to. And this is a normal practice. Also on the other hand I don't want things to change. I'm very fearful of that. 

These are the things that are weighing me down and stopping me being my authentic true self.

(1) Having to explain my feelings, whi I did it that way? Why I am saying not what you think will be good for me

(2) Going through the process of convincing myself I'm wrong. The amount of time I waste in this energy.

(3) Keep silent with the truth of my feelings in order to not rock the boat or upset Lock the boat

My goal is to rid myself of these. Life is not meant to be lived with another person first, it's not.

1 hr, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #287

I'm feeling anxious today generally because of having to socialise and money. I stayed in bed for a few feeling sorry for myself then I got up and had a quick shower. After that I was feeling a lot better. I went to the kitchen refilled...

Btw I usually write this lying on my stomach but for some reason my wrist is hurting.

...my hot water bottle and poured a cup of hot water. When I came back to my room I saw it was 11:11, that put a smile on my face so I decided to write a Morning Page. I just now realized the depression I went through, the second one that ended when I checked myself into hospital. It was burn out because I wasn't so much sad as lacking energy. Like...I would say 60% 

oops I forgot to write the time. It was 11:38 when I started now it's 11.48. Which one will I count it from (the first one I just decided) I don't know.

I am on a mission to become my authentic true self. The person I am when I'm alone. I was going to say this mission started when I asked myself is it possible to live in zero people pleasing? 

The answer: absoutely yes.

But I think it was me realise the person I am when I am alone Is my goal. 

Step one: To let go of the fear of the outcome of every little thing. 

Step two: (which was very recent) Getting out of my head. Trying to sprint away from overthinking as much as I can. Now I will not be perfect I might even find I've only managed to do this once for the last month of the year. Its like when someone quits something like drinking or drugs. You can't just quit cold turkey. I just thought about looking back on old of these goese back to 2019. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #286

Yesterday gas and electricity was low. I really wish I had enough money so I don't have to rely on others, thats the goal. Anyway sent the message, funny thing is it was different this time. Where's I would  be awatke with anxiety about the electricity going off and having to ask for more because of power up. Not only that I managed to sleep in peace -

10:19: Just finished cup of PG tips. 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my iPad 

I forgot what I was going to write now I've been thinking lately about lookin back on these days. You know when others look back as...well when today has become history. I started down this road when I really started thinking about wasting time. I didn't want to look back and see the anxiety. I dont want to look back having spent it doing what others want me to do or people pleasing. I think that's why I start with that at the beginning. So this is for when people my kids and their kids read this in 100 years.

It's now 10: 46 I am currently watching 8 out of to Cats does countdown on my Ipad. I recently brought a new one. That one is slow and crashes a lot. It cost me £69..and a bit and it came with a keyboard and mouse. I think I might take it back to factory settings. I wonder if I'll rememeber if I did when this day becones history. I just printed out a step by step guide to achieve my dream lif. Living in Hawall with hubby. I'm saying we will have at least 6 kids in 2024 (as in that's what I think) I wonder how many we will actually have. These days I'm working on focusing on what I see in my future and removing my focus from the things I don't want to see in my future. These include 

Universal Credit our version of work based benefit today. Not many people like I dont think it will stand the test of time. 

Getting rid of my need to people please and hid how I'm truly feeling 

USA election planned for November between Karmal Harris and Donald Trump. P diddy was (I mean you won't know who that is so look him up) arrested last week. I am leaning heavily into my spiritual side. This month I've been focusing on vision from God. This whole year focusing on messages from God and the universe. Love seeing a heart and angel number. 

1 hour you 17 When minutes See see you.

Morning Page #285 The same amount of me without a filters on Tiktok

Woke just before 11.20 and had a shower. I know because when I went to the kitchen after it was 11:19. I saw It on my mum's phone but she but she was asleep. I wanted to try something that has worked in the past. The tea's I brought are rubbish.

11:36 am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my IPad. A cup of water, hot with lime and onion (purple)

I did a plece of art work that was what it actually means to put yourself in someone's shoes. The clock my mum had made is broken it came like that. I think because my mum didn't open it straight away and the package was pushed around. I wont tell my mum through because I don't want her to send it back. There's a new step to my thought of believing things are about to charge. These are things that on paper could be concidered cowincedence But like I've leant your life needs to be what you make it. It needs to be your life through your eyes. 

Now I can't remember what the second one was but the first one was Lyle and Enc menendez new trai. It's looking like they may get released.

Tea check: drinkable Its a little bitter. I think I picked the the wrong onions. 

Note to self: Only the white onions from now on.

The Menendez brothers killed both their parents after years of the worst kind of abuse.

Today is the of last day of my period and my latest Universal Credit appointment was on the 9th. I thought about resheduling it. It was 2 days ago and I was on my period. I didnt because I didn't want to have to think about it again. To worry I might get sanctioned for missing my appointment for a few days. 

Nothing new with my quest to manifest getting my crush to ask me to marry him. Except I am current working on letting my negative thoughts go. I daydream him turning up to my house with flowers and asking me out. The fact that he doesnt know where I live and has shown zero interest in me romantically is neither here nor there.

36 minutes, see you when I see you.