Morning Page #287

I'm feeling anxious today generally because of having to socialise and money. I stayed in bed for a few feeling sorry for myself then I got up and had a quick shower. After that I was feeling a lot better. I went to the kitchen refilled...

Btw I usually write this lying on my stomach but for some reason my wrist is hurting.

...my hot water bottle and poured a cup of hot water. When I came back to my room I saw it was 11:11, that put a smile on my face so I decided to write a Morning Page. I just now realized the depression I went through, the second one that ended when I checked myself into hospital. It was burn out because I wasn't so much sad as lacking energy. Like...I would say 60% 

oops I forgot to write the time. It was 11:38 when I started now it's 11.48. Which one will I count it from (the first one I just decided) I don't know.

I am on a mission to become my authentic true self. The person I am when I'm alone. I was going to say this mission started when I asked myself is it possible to live in zero people pleasing? 

The answer: absoutely yes.

But I think it was me realise the person I am when I am alone Is my goal. 

Step one: To let go of the fear of the outcome of every little thing. 

Step two: (which was very recent) Getting out of my head. Trying to sprint away from overthinking as much as I can. Now I will not be perfect I might even find I've only managed to do this once for the last month of the year. Its like when someone quits something like drinking or drugs. You can't just quit cold turkey. I just thought about looking back on old of these goese back to 2019. 

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #286

Yesterday gas and electricity was low. I really wish I had enough money so I don't have to rely on others, thats the goal. Anyway sent the message, funny thing is it was different this time. Where's I would  be awatke with anxiety about the electricity going off and having to ask for more because of power up. Not only that I managed to sleep in peace -

10:19: Just finished cup of PG tips. 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my iPad 

I forgot what I was going to write now I've been thinking lately about lookin back on these days. You know when others look back as...well when today has become history. I started down this road when I really started thinking about wasting time. I didn't want to look back and see the anxiety. I dont want to look back having spent it doing what others want me to do or people pleasing. I think that's why I start with that at the beginning. So this is for when people my kids and their kids read this in 100 years.

It's now 10: 46 I am currently watching 8 out of to Cats does countdown on my Ipad. I recently brought a new one. That one is slow and crashes a lot. It cost me £69..and a bit and it came with a keyboard and mouse. I think I might take it back to factory settings. I wonder if I'll rememeber if I did when this day becones history. I just printed out a step by step guide to achieve my dream lif. Living in Hawall with hubby. I'm saying we will have at least 6 kids in 2024 (as in that's what I think) I wonder how many we will actually have. These days I'm working on focusing on what I see in my future and removing my focus from the things I don't want to see in my future. These include 

Universal Credit our version of work based benefit today. Not many people like I dont think it will stand the test of time. 

Getting rid of my need to people please and hid how I'm truly feeling 

USA election planned for November between Karmal Harris and Donald Trump. P diddy was (I mean you won't know who that is so look him up) arrested last week. I am leaning heavily into my spiritual side. This month I've been focusing on vision from God. This whole year focusing on messages from God and the universe. Love seeing a heart and angel number. 

1 hour you 17 When minutes See see you.

Morning Page #285 The same amount of me without a filters on Tiktok

Woke just before 11.20 and had a shower. I know because when I went to the kitchen after it was 11:19. I saw It on my mum's phone but she but she was asleep. I wanted to try something that has worked in the past. The tea's I brought are rubbish.

11:36 am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my IPad. A cup of water, hot with lime and onion (purple)

I did a plece of art work that was what it actually means to put yourself in someone's shoes. The clock my mum had made is broken it came like that. I think because my mum didn't open it straight away and the package was pushed around. I wont tell my mum through because I don't want her to send it back. There's a new step to my thought of believing things are about to charge. These are things that on paper could be concidered cowincedence But like I've leant your life needs to be what you make it. It needs to be your life through your eyes. 

Now I can't remember what the second one was but the first one was Lyle and Enc menendez new trai. It's looking like they may get released.

Tea check: drinkable Its a little bitter. I think I picked the the wrong onions. 

Note to self: Only the white onions from now on.

The Menendez brothers killed both their parents after years of the worst kind of abuse.

Today is the of last day of my period and my latest Universal Credit appointment was on the 9th. I thought about resheduling it. It was 2 days ago and I was on my period. I didnt because I didn't want to have to think about it again. To worry I might get sanctioned for missing my appointment for a few days. 

Nothing new with my quest to manifest getting my crush to ask me to marry him. Except I am current working on letting my negative thoughts go. I daydream him turning up to my house with flowers and asking me out. The fact that he doesnt know where I live and has shown zero interest in me romantically is neither here nor there.

36 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #284

I woke thinking about Sul. Yea I'm past saying it's a crush and not mentioning names, this is love. 

Oh I just remembered my dream. Althrough not much of what happened. I know one of the guy's I met  during 'Get a life,' was there. Probably why I think I saw Sul.

Tea check: Warm drinkable

Woke up at 10:50 and had a quick shower. The loose tea leaf I order came in the post brought to me by my niece. I havent had a loose leaf tea in months

11:43am 8 out of 10 cats does countdown on my new Ipad (yea) It came with a mouse and keyboard, Loose leaf tea in front of me.

I wonder if I've writen about what I am about to write in here before. Just update on my life/ thoughts. 

Well a good example of how my thinking has changed is. I shaved my hair into a Mohawk style (oh surprise) on the 29th September. That would be 2 days ago right now. Then my eldest (or is it better to say oldest) brother said you know i can do it, you should have asked me. My reason for saying no was this

(1) I hate relying on other people that's the main one.

(2) It's about the experience. That's a skill I now have.

(3) I can't go down perfection avenue. This happened when I first shaved my hair it was patchy. My sister asked do I want to get it shaped. Right then I knew she missed the point.

It cant be about what it looks like to others. It has to be what it gives me. What it does for me. 

Because before that day I hadn't cut my hair that is an achievement. I need to be brutally honest about  the things that make me unhappy. And work on riding myself od those things for my future. Need to be brutally honest about the energies I am surrounding myself in.

24 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning Page #283 chapter 40

I woke and had a quick shower. My iPad had gone off because I wasn't charging it. I saw that it was 11:51. When I came back after my shower. I went to the kitchen to charge my hot water bottle and I decide to make a cup of tea.

12:30 cup of PG tips in front of me. 8 out of 10 cats on my iPad. 

Had a dream but can't remember it. Ant and Dec were there. I just got a message that my Universal Credit appointment will be changed to phone. Yes God is truly working behind the scenes. 

Ok, I am stuck on what to write so I'm just going to let it all out. The me without a filter of how I'm really feeling. Just remembered I haven't filmed a video in weeks for YouTube. I am going to do that in the next few days, maybe today. I'm also doing a breathing exercise on Finch care. It's been going for 3 minutes, Inhale... hold for 3... exhale...hold for 3. The Finch care app (where you look after a virtual pet) I would say turning 40 was the beginning of my next chapter. On that day I felt older though not 40 years old. It's a feeling I've never felt before to feel older so quickly. Like when it's the 1st of Jan and you are still writing the previous year. What I know is I can't won't be living in the old Esther. This fearful Esther, scared of the consequences, the outcome of every move I make. I am leaving the people pleasing, filtering/explaining myself Esther. The putting self last and ignoring my feelings Esther. Walking on eggshells and hiding my truth in order to not upset another is no longer welcome. I am done making myself smaller.

43 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #282

Today's the start of a new chapter. Woke from a dream forgotten. On days like these it's emptying my head...no sorry that's when I don't remember the dream. I know something happened I just don't know what or who. Sometimes I see who, like the feeling. Today was my future hubby. When I walk I thought I saw 10:10 when I looked again it was 10:08. I was reluctant to write it in my science and messages from God notebook. God said still widely because it's what you saw. Change your thinking from supporting character. No more convincing yourself you are wrong. No more ignoring what you truly first thought. No more striving for perfection and definitely no people pleasing. It's time today to start whipping through life as a main character. You decide that's you. Don't let anyone tell me what you should do and where you should go. Get ready because... Requesting to delete your account on Universal Credit 

A new healthy relationship. 

Your own business and lots of travel is on the way. You are about to be living in dreams and day dreams as a reality 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Estherology 2024

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonise


What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I don't really have one to be honest with you, but anywhere but Nandos.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably crisps

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pineapple all the way

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter or just butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?
1

What color cell phone do you have?
Grey (new this year)

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts) I was 14 years old.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My bed

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Noway, here's why I would be waiting for that day. In a physical sense and a literal sense.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
No way Jose.

when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like shanique or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

Last person you hugged?

My oldest brother 


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
I think this means actual not place but I'll answer it both ways.

Christmas and Hawaii (hope to get there one day)

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?

I've had a crush/ been in love with him since 2006. Haven't seen him in 17 years, SM. I don't know why I wrote it like that I've said his name on here before. All you need to do is stroll down one.

Mood?
Little tired mixed with excited for the future.

What are you listening to?
Nothing (well the sound of the fan). 

Watching?

8 out of 10 cats does countdown


**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The toilet 

What's the last movie you saw?


Do you smile often?
Yes, yes I do

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Unfortunately 


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
Hardly ever, I also don't get many phone calls so there's that.

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

An automatic text, doesn't matter which. Tesco mobile (which is where I bought this phone)

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I wouldn't.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I never had it. Pretty sure it's a...in fact I'll look it up...oh its a fast food restaurant, for drinks (they might sell food as well. I didn't check that) from the list it would be , Coconut, Watermelon, Pineapple, 

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Yes just brought a new one, but I'm not a fan it's a kids one. I'm gonna have to buy another better one.

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No...though we will probably have pet fish in the future.

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
Be pleasantly surprised.

9) Can you do push ups?

Yes, 

10) Can you do a chin up?
I haven't tried one before.

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
So excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Grandma's lap, honestly think she tried to kill me, she hated me that much)

14) Do you have an accent?
Probably 

15) What is the last song to make you cry?
Rihanna "Russian Roulette"

16) Plans tonight?
Complete my to do list 

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
06/10/2006 it was the worst day up to and since then.

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Nothing

19) Have you ever been given roses?
No

20) Current worry?
Money, Money, Money 

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yeah. manly friends

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
I've been thinking today about where I'll spend Christmas. For the past few years it's been at home alone 

24) What song represents you?
christina aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
Not a soul probably or future me in...let's say 3 years.

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it.

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No, late bloomer here and proud of it. Because there's a good reason for that.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Ears pierced and one tattoo on my right wrist. It's a heart shaped semi colon with a peace sign inside with 06/10/2006 underneath.

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
God said just say yes.

30) Does anyone love you?
Yes.a lot of people do.

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatevers in my head

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
nope


34) When did you last cry?
can't remember

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Myself 

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?

No, full stop. (When it comes to ex's) You can be friendly, but friends that's a no from me. It's not like I have any of those anyway. I was going say something different for prospects. It's kinda the same really. You don't want to torture yourself. How I feel about my crush is it's a relationship or nothing. And he has made his feelings clear.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Old (in every sense of the word, lol. I gest) I've made less than 5 friends this year. All of them through social media.

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Sure

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Nothing hopefully