Morning page #258

I woke up today at 9:57. I know because was able to use my sleep app which records your sleep 

11:44 am cup of Yorkshire tea in front of me, family guy on YouTube. YouTube has new episodes on there but that's not the main reason I haven't used Disney+ for it. 

The number one reason is that it goes black after one episode or two. I don't know how to fix it. Family Guy is the reason I brought Disney in the first place l. I don't think it has anything to do with the show actually. I think I'm going crazy, I heard my having a conversation. But she and I were the only two people in the house. I know there is an explanation. Though I haven't reached a point of fear of it being the things you are thinking it is. 

Voices in your head Esther, that's a problem,

I think one of the things that helped me start living my authentic self is acceptance of some home truths. The fact is a huge percentage of my mental health-related problems are other people. I was happy I woke up from a great. A dream about a certain someone. Don't ask what was it about, I remember nothing. 

'Then how do you know you did,' 

I just know it's like when my brother used to ask me how I know it's him coming up the stairs when I can't see him. I dream about people I know all the time. Then intake up and I've forgotten number one, what it was about. Number two, who it was, but I still have the memory of I knew this person. I was happy because I woke up thinking about my future hubby. He might be somewhere thinking about me. No evidence for that of course, because...silence. But there is also no evidence against it.  So I'm going to continue to believe it. So someone came in. my room and then...so I was and (because I wasn't the full word). Then I sat with it for a while and concluded, it was not that deep. Now back to the start happy and hopeful. I can't ignore the common denominator

32 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page 257

I woke at 11:36 am and went back to sleep, I woke again at 12:09. I've decided I am going to write a morning page. I was going to say this week but it's Saturday. So this week and next week, until I get sick of it.

12:47 a m cup of Yorkshire tea in front of me. Watch later list on my laptop. I know that where I am now is where I am meant to be. On the surface, I know this. But in the back of my mind, I thought of my life If I had made different choices. I like my life being what happens tomorrow is determined by what happened today. If I didn't see something that made me want to binge-watch all Marvel movies a few months ago. I wouldn't have gotten to the latest Dr Strange movie a few days ago. I wouldn't have started thinking about the multiverse, as in the different versions of me. Me's who choose the opposite of what I choose in this lifetime. I wouldn't have concluded that most versions led to where I am now, the others led to my death so that at 22. All of this wouldn't have happened if God hadn't been trying to get into my head that I am exactly where I need to be right 

29 minutes, see you When I see you.

Morning page #257

Woke at 10:02. My computer was off

Did I forget to put the charger in or did my mum accidentally pull It out? I think I am learning to let those things go. Because I'm not going to ask. I don't want the answer to be no. which will lead to me beating myself up about asking in the first place. Which will lead to me going back (like having a time machine) to figure out what happens.

My conclusion 'Will be I am an idiot for forgetting to plug in the USB part. Now I am walking down the wrong lesson plan avenue. I'm thinking It's not to be perfect and not make any mistakes.

11:40 a cup of cinnamon spice tea in front of me (which I forgot to put milk in) I'll do it now.

11:50. I just made another because the glass plate in the microwave broke. So there's nothing to put it on. Take your judgment back to where it came from. I don't have a problem warming my tea in the microwave.

12:12: round two, a cup of sweet caramel in front of me.

Art idea: walls of...walls of (trying to think of the word...I wrote frustration) update I was thinking of blocking me.

Tea cheek: Still hot

I was going to write a lot but I'd forgotten what it all was. I think I'll just leave it there.

45 minutes, see you when up I see you.

Morning page #256

Woke but didn't check the time. I heard someone say 

'who is it?' was that a dream? 

I went to the toilet. Then I went to the Kitchen and looked at the time It was 11:11.

11:42 Family guy on Youtube, Moringo tea in front of me. I've been obsessed with the game and cooking diary on my iPad.

I think I'm starting to understand the meaning of truly letting go of control.

Tea check: Drinkable

It wasn't lessening my people-pleasing nature. It was literary letting God take the wheel and letting life happen. Yesterday I was thinking to myself I am really hungry. I open the fridge. there's no food in there but leftovers and nothing I'm in the mood for. I don't want to make eggs again. Before I could get frustrated and irritable. My brother came with my niece and nephew. And he decided to order McDonald's. If I'm not mistaken I haven't ordered since I was in school, maybe even earlier than that. So yeah I'm leaning more into that from today.

32 minutes see you when I see you

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Morning page #255

I woke, but I didn't look at the time. I stayed in bed another hour or so I think. I'm going to guess I woke at 12 something. I could say I woke at 11: 11 it is 12/12 after all. Angel numbers and all. When I did look at the time It was 13:01. I had two dreams in the night. An actor being chased, an actor from the Marvel movie I watched last night.  And I was with two of my closest friends and we were reading the Bible (in the second one)

I had a quick shower and made myself a cup of tea in my new self-stirring mug. The only thing is you need to take the bag out, It's fine. it's just a habit I need to get to. yes, I always leave the bag in my tea, always. I think we as a society need to let go of judgement like when I warm my tea in the microwave. I get judgmental eyes from family members. Before you silently judged me I already had in my head the reason you wouldn't warm your tea in the microwave And that's the difference between me and you. That's what makes me unique.

I decided to binge-watch the Marvel movies in timeline order. watching the latest Dr Strange one. They talk a lot about the multiverse and It got me thinking about what my different versions would look like. After my research of making the opposite choice I made. It's the me without fear, which leads to a 'speaks more than I think' person. I also explored the things that shaped who I am. Like if I was an only child for example.

I forgot to write the time, let's just say 2 pm.

What I've concluded is in most of my versions I died at 22. In 2006 I was going through depression and I had the worst day up to and since then. I thought about the things that stopped me, it wasn't just God. The second thing I've concluded...well it's settled In my mind that I am exactly where I'm meant to be right here now. Because in the versions where I made it through I still ended up in the same place I am in 2023.

35 minutes see you when I see you

Morning page #254

Woke at 9:40 am and Went to the kitchen 

9:50 am a cup of sweet dreams tea in front of me which is Raspberry valerian and Niacin. Episodes of Family Guy on YouTube slept to that. When it's on YouTube it's zoomed in and the sound is changed (sometimes). I assume so that it doesn't get taken down. It always does through, eventually. I would watch it on Disney+ but it goes black after every episode so I have to get up and play the next episode

Tea check: still hot

God has been trying to drive into me the lesson of letting go of control. It's like the saying you only control what you say and what you do.

Tea cheek: Still hot

I in the past have been trying to control the actions of others. By thinking too much about what people think of me. I've been trying to control something that is bound to happen because of fear. I can't sit in my Uber and tell the driver how to drive. First of all, I don't know how.

Secondly, I am not allowing God to do his job 

Tea Check: Hot but drinkable

This is the newest step in learning this lesson. it started with let life happen lesson.  That led to the stop fighting lesson. Now we're on the let go totally. I don't know if this is the final step or If there is more to come. That's what letting go of control means. I need to let God take the wheel, He has never let me down once.

34 Minutes see you when I see you. 

Morning page #253 To learn self-love

Yesterday I started Vlogmas which I did on Youtube in 2018. A Vid every day this month. I didn't last year but it was a Christmas movie a day old, new (as in old for me)

Woke up at 11: 27 went to the toilet, and then went to the kitchen. I thought this was a good opportunity to write a morning page. I don't always feel like it when I'm on my monthly.  

12: 29 I decided to let go of my rule of not writing one if it's past 12. I think as long as I wake up before 12 It's fine. A cup of Pause tea (which Is Raspberry and hibiscus with blackberry leaves and Caribbean Gold peppermint tea with black Sage, sea moss and sarsaperling) family guy episodes on YouTube. They actually have new episodes on there surprisingly. It will probably get taken down soon.

Sometimes it's hard to be a late bloomer. It's hard not to go down the 'when my turn, road. When I have taken a wrong turn down comparing myself avenue. Because that's what I've been all my life. It's hard to be patient sometimes. When God says you are exactly where you need to be right here right now. But I haven't changed where I am in years. God says nothing you do is wrong. He says 

"what you need to do is what you are doing." 

I take that to mean there Are no more lessons to be learnt. So why hasn't it happened yet? I think I'm crazy for believing my crush loves me because I'll start overthinking about what he is doing. That makes me think about him being happily married with his six kids. The only things I know about him are his name and his age (birth year)

I think I said this before In one of these but I'll say it again. I'm not a conversationalist. Everything I know about my friends I was told or saw them post on social media. If I see people walking around that look like you l assume they are your family members. Unless you say that's my sister, that's my mum I don't have that information. Then I'll get a glimpse of the future of my crush finally admitting his feelings and why he stayed away for so long. If this is not the reason I don't know what is because all these things daydreams didn't need to happen. I could have learnt self-love without it. 

57 minutes (but I did go to the toilet in between) see you when I see you.

Morning pages #253

Couldn't sleep because of the electricity and gas. If I'm honest where my anxiety comes from is. 

Number one: relying on other people, I hate that. My fear is the consequences of the other person's response. 

'Is it my turn, who's turn is it,  who paid last'

I realise I forgot about the first part of this, an explanation but I'm just gonna leave it. 

Number two: money, not.being sent in time. Then it takes longer than it needs to get the gas and electricity back on. It was fine today though I sent the message and the money was sent within 40 minutes, I love those days. 

I slept at 8:10 and woke at 10:45. I found a good sleep recording app, so that was on. The only thing I learnt...well a few things I don't snore Srove, I knew that. At least I know I probably do when I have a cold.  Made myself a cup of cinnamon black tea. I slept again at :.. I think a few minutes let's say 10:50 woke at 13:12. It's past 12. but I'm still going to write a morning page because 

14:04 no tea in front of me I slept to my GMM episodes playlists.

...today is a special day. the 27th of November 2006. I met some lifelong friends and my FH but that's (I'm trying to use the word but too much and the word because) between me and you. It's between the one person who actually reads these and him if he happens to come across this one day.

Being with on Get a Life changed my life. Along with the lifelong friends, it also was the day I realised I was not alone. It was the day I got rid of the first chip on my shoulder. It was the beginning of living my authentic self. Of me letting go of control.

(14:17)

13 minutes (wow I thought it was longer) see you when I see you.

Morning page #252

I've been waking up and going back to sleep for the past few days. My mind body and soul weren't ready to be done resting. Today It was 3: 29 and 12:27. went to the kitchen, and made myself a cup of tea. I saw my mum's new shoes. Which she's had since April, that's neither here nor there. She hasn't worn it till today, probably... Anyway

 12:55 a cup of Inner Clarity Twinnings tea, which is Lemon balm and camomile tea I think camomile tea was my first step into herbal tea. I remember when I first met my friend and she was drinking it. And she asked me have I had, not black tea and I said yes I've had camomile before.

Tea check: drinkable

Anyway, seeing my mum's new boots. She said It's cold outside, very as in freezing cold. It immediately got me thinking about universal credit appointments. I'm not looking forward to going out on the 30th (my next appointment). It also got me thinking of the last one. For some reason all day. I woke thinking it was a 3:40 appointment It was (2:40 btw). So at 2: 39 I was still in my house not dressed. I sent a message to my work coach and added sorry for the inconvenience (Take note this is Important). Thanks to Bolt I got there not too late. I can't remember the time but it wasn't an hour. I felt like I was disturbing him, to be honest. It was almost as if I didn't send the message the last bit was unnecessary he didn't care. His attitude was that I did that on purpose. This got me thinking of the realisation I had this year, that universal credit is working for me not the other way round. All the things UC does is to help get me back into work. Sometimes they abuse their power like when they throw sanctions around like they're paper. Or say the word mandatory, for who? 

This year I've taken my focus away from what people think I should be doing. It lowered my stress and anxiety significantly. I am so much happier. 

44 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #251 231123

Woke up at 6:10. It was dark outside. I wanted to take a picture, as I did yesterday because it was pretty, and looked like an Instagram filter. But I couldn't be bothered to get up. Stayed in bed then Mum asked me to print some leaflets. I made myself a cup of tea. And warmed a Pret sandwich, I was feeling hungry.

It's 231123 today, and that makes me happy. I managed to add some movie reviews to Instagram. It's past 12 still I wanted to write this today. I also managed to do a tea leaf reading

I'm Feeling relaxed and happy. I'm going to do a tarot reading after this.

Slept to The Daily Show with Trevor Noah on YouTube. This morning page seems unstructured and all over the place but I'm going to keep going. It's because I'm excited about the angel number the angel of the day 231123. Oh, and it's Thanksgiving in  America today, see. Just finished watching the annual 'no nobody watches this so we won't make an effort' Good Mythical Morning episode. That's how I knew it was today,  I had to look it up. To be honest I prefer the episodes that have a structure. I don't really like these ones. Though I'll still watch them (unless it heavily involves the crew, or guest episodes nowadays)

33 minutes, 

Btw I got a lot of angel numbers today. I saw 13:13 then I just finished writing at 14:04.

See you when I see you.

Morning page #250 How to: Inner peace

Woke at 8:45 and went to the toilet. I decided to have a quick shower this morning. 

Today lessening your anxiety is not just about what you do. It's about how you do it too. Like tea always tastes better in my favourite cup. Or watching TV/YouTube on the big screen TV in the Living room

9:28 am, the tea today is called Inner Peace and it is from Twinnings, The flavour Is Sweet Vanilla and fig rooibos 

How I achieved/am achieving inner peace.

Start by taking everyone out of the equation. I made this quote early last year which was 'I never questioned myself until someone. else care into the equation

Tea check: drinkable

I wrote this just before I figured out that all my insecurities, every single one of them came from another person. I never thought of my lips as anything but beautiful till I was made fun of by 'friends'. Now every time I think about my lips negatively I think about that incident. I had to take a look at where It was coming from, It was never me. Or when I was I was told my fingers were fat and that my hand handwriting was messy. Again by a 'friend'. I make a point to make sure my writing is pretty. Every time have to wear rings and they don't fit I think of my fat fingers. The fact is that was someone else's point of view of me. Striped away from that I could see my point of view. 

The second thing I did was limit my Interactions with negative people. I've taken It further this year by limiting my interactions with negative energies. 

 The third thing do is flood my mind with positives. By Listening to music, and watching (YouTube mainly). Writing, also thinking about the future. Doing these 3 things help me to focus my mind on the prize as they say. I can now separate the negatives. recognise where they are coming from and deal with them accordingly.

10:18 50 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #249 Every inch of self, including weaknesses

I woke at 10:20 am well rested because I slept 11 hours (slept at 11 pm last night, woke at 2:50 am slept again. at 3:21 am). I've been neglecting the moringa tea and two others (Senna and Slimitee) those, don't smell like moringa (fartbut they taste the same. I should really research/look at the box because I vaguely remember there weren't any ingredients on the box but I could be wrong

11:11 am, a cup of Senna tea In front of me. Woke to my stand-up playlist on YouTube. Now I'm watching Spiderman Homecoming. I've been watching the Marvel movies in timeline order. Almost missed this one because it's not on Disney+. I wonder why, it's still Marvel. I don't think the second one is either. 

If I were going to give my best advice in the year 2023

These pages are about honesty, so I tell you the truth. I was daydreaming about being asked that on a random show.

Not knowing what you are going through right now 'don't  tell yourself to not.'

I'm at a point in my life where I can't allow myself to do things to please others anymore so let's take my love life for example. My feelings have been high since day one. Thinking of him hasn't brought me anything but Joy. Until my overthink voice pipes up 

'You're an idiot for believing he feels the same way about you that you do about him. I mean come look at the evidence its been almost 17 years. He's probably married,  happily with 6 kids. I'm not going to shut up that part of me because there's a reason for it.

When your best friend tells you they are getting married again when you haven't even been lucky enough to call someone you're boyfriend (not a personal story but not totally untrue). Ignoring my feelings of frustration and when is it my turn, going straight to I should be happy for her I am happy for her. The fact that I'm 39 and still single is the reason. My feelings are a human reaction, I can ignore that.

I recently realised I need to embrace every inch of myself. Including my weakness.

-12:55

1 hour: 44 minutes see you when I see you.

Update: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse is not on Disney Plus because of a deal between Sony and Netflix. Netflix will have exclusive access to Sony movies like Across the Spider-Verse for the “pay one window.” This can last up to 18 months, so expect Netflix to have the exclusive license for quite some time

Senna:  Senna Leaves

Slimitee: Senna, Peppermint, Ginger, Cerassie (Karela) and Lemongrass

Morning page #248

I woke up today at 9:23 am washing plates.

11:11 am on 11/11 yes.

I was looking up things for my new business idea, a printer be exact. God just said to look up the paper. So I looked up sticker paper and I found a bunch. You get a bit of an idea of what my business will be about. You know I love to sketch and draw that's your second clue. I'm focusing on the positives as best I can. on the deleting my account on Universal Credit. And no one is going to buy these. My focus is on designing and working on what ian going to sell. What I am going to name it.  Also how much will I charge? I'm excited about the change coming. My dream life is coming, it's on the way. The first thing I'll do... (| mean after I've deleted my Universal credit account) Is book a holiday, a big need a plane to get to, a hot weather holiday.

 18 minutes see you when see you.

Morning page #247

Woke at 9:28 to a dream of two guys stealing two barrels of gas from my family. One of my family members was there. But she didn't do anything just stood there with her hands in her pocket and a stupid smile on her face. I said to these guys if you would have asked I would have given you some, we're all struggling.

I slept to my stand-up playlist on YouTube. 10:23 am

I think my... I'd say the fear of relying on another person makes me not want to go down the road of anti-ageing creams. I'm not the type to go to the doctor for flu. That's why I love home remedies and I'm begging to use natural ingredients. I brought a natural ingredient deodorant this year. I recently bought an Ice face roller, I love It. I feel great after using it. My focus these days is less on the things I must do to please another person. I'm so focused on not wasting my day. I can't afford to live my life for you anymore.

32 minutes see your see you when I see you (10:55)

Morning page #246

Today I woke at 6: 31 a.m. Went to the toilet (number one, in case you are interested). Then in the Kitchen, no plates in the sink. I thought I might as might as well cut some fruits, I haven't had fruits in a minute.

07:49 Fruits finished a cup of hear tea (I thought it was heart tea because that's how I  first read it) YouTubeStar tarot 0884 Watch list on the laptop.

Tea Check: Drinkable

I've been feeling very creative these past few days. It started with the printing out of some 30-day self-improvement, and mental health challenges on the 13th of October. I also printed some art challenges. And I think that's what inspired me. I drew one about what I'm scared of. I will tell anyone who will ask my biggest fear is heights. The people I know more than a stranger I tell my biggest fear is failure. Only the people I feel worthy I'll tell my biggest fear is turning into the person I hate the most (my mum's mum) in any way shape or form. I also drew a self-portrait and have one titled I Wish. One titled my first love all the questions I have for the person that bears that title. One titled 'I can't,' I've been pushing myself. Beyond what a human being can do. It's not being positive, It's controlling other people's words and actions. I need to stop telling myself to do better when I'm already giving 100%. The last one was what I'm angry at and what I haven't forgiven yet

God Just Sald upload them all to your blog, I dare you. I don't know if I'll upload the last one, maybe on another day.

49 see you minutes (8:38) See you when I see.

Morning page #245 Who am I really?

I woke at 11:11 but it was more like 11:12 or 11:13 maybe even 11:09. Anyway slept to the YouTube watch list on my laptop. I found Steve Furlick so I've been binging his sermons. I went to the kitchen and thought while I'm here I might as well do tea, leaf reading. 

11:41, Tea in my good mood small blue cup. I think I've had this thought before but what is the difference between a mug and a cup? I should look that up 

Answer: Cup = beverages that are consumed quickly water, coffee, tea

Mug = beverages that are meant to be savoured hot chocolate, or soup. Saying that I don't think I'd be wrong if I said mug Instead of a cup, I've definitely done that on here.

Today's morning page is a title first day.

I mean what more can 1 say about myself that I haven't already said on here? That is what I immediately thought when the title came to mind. Changed mindset yes. I am in I can't afford to do the opposite, you know can't afford to waste my time in a place you think I should be.

Today 2023 I can't afford to ignore my Intuition. It's a life-or-death situation. Like I know I've said on here before. In 60 years, I need to see only the positives in my past (OK I haven't said that one). 

On the Journey to marrying my crush. Nothing has changed, that car has run into some road works but they forgot to put up the yellow plack. The one that, says diverted from this date to this date. Everything Is temporary, right? 

50 minutes (12:21) see you on the other side of my dream life.

Morning page #244 my biggest dream

I woke up at 10:30 a.m. to my Sister saying the gas was off (after going to sleep at 9 a.m. I spent only about 5 minutes trying to get It on so there's an improvement. Despite the really bad period pain I decided to write a morning page. I forgot to plug In my computer was completely dead. It took its time coming on for some reason. 

11:11 I have no choice but to let life happen because the things I want require another person to be removed or placed. Take my biggest dream, well my biggest dream is to change the world. My second biggest dream is to get married and have kids. It's going to require my future hubby to first realise he can't live without me. Secondly, contact me. Before I stopped beating myself up about not being able to say words. I thought it was because I was fearful of rejection. I was unsure about his feelings and didn't want to put him in a position where he had to reject me. I still feel the same way I did in 2006. If he had rejected me, he would have changed the way I felt about him. I don't mean felt felt, I mean the way I saw him. 

58 minutes, see you See you when I see

Morning page #243 Road to my authentic self: update

I didn't sleep because I was worried about the electricity and gas going off. I have decided I'm writing a morning page. Suddenly topics jumped into my head. 

So I went to the kitchen to wash my cup (the new glow-in-the-dark one from Mythical) That's when the light went off. I spent 30 minutes trying to get it back on, because of reasons. 

Anyway, am so proud of the way I handled it. With more calm and less panic which brings us to today's topic

Esther, you need to feel your feels without the input of another. 

That was my spiritual awakening, I didn't know it at the time. I would even go further than that and say that my healing/road to my authentic self started the moment I stood up for myself in 2014. Then before my spiritual awakening, I ignored my intuition for the last time. This made me lose my need to put your feelings above my own. 2020 is when the first glass was shattered In front of me. A few questions were answered, the who, the what and the Why. The fact is I wouldn't have seen that because my life was filtered

through the eyes of other people. 2021 and 2022 acceptance and learning about myself. 

2023 is a year of truly living my authentic self. My mindset has drastically changed, right now I can't afford to ignore my intuition. I am manifesting, It's no longer about hoping and praying. I will act surprised when the thing I want becomes a reality. I am questioning myself less, the truth is the truth. I am not ignoring that again. My focus is another thing that has changed drastically. In the past, it's been on the guesstimate of what others want. The world has beaten the people-pleaser personality out of me. Not completely, like I've said before am recovering. I am more excited and less uncertain about the future. I am two feet deep Into the spiritual world, tarot, angel numbers, l love reverse numbers (21:12 but you got it) meditation, and yoga. Don't get it twisted my relationship with God is number one, that's what brought me here. It's what is going to carry me through. Because my Intuition is telling me deep down in my bones right to my soul. That a drastic change is coming but this time in my environment.

I didn't write the time but it was about an hour and a bit. 

I will trust that the things that I can't see through my eyes will one day become the things I can see through my eyes.

See you when I see you.

Morning page #242 Only one person will read this.

The last time I slept was yesterday at 8 p.m. I haven't been to sleep since. Can't sleep because I have this, Jobfair to go to on the 24th. Everything that could go wrong will go wrong. My fellow anxiety suffers know the drill. It's mandatory, this job, and I don't understand the reason, I mean I know on paper they want me to go. But what's the bigger picture here? I don't think work coaches and victims...um, I mean companies, see mandatory the same way. 

Washed plates in the sink, took out the bin.

Now it's 10:07 loose tea leaf in front of me. I was going to have just tea with a bag, then I thought I might as well do a reading. 

Currently, I am listening to my wedding day playlist on Spotify, yes I have that. 

This page will be about the lack of my love life. The only reason I can hang on to us is because of only what's In my head. I'll see visions of that long-overdue conversation. Visions of us as a couple doing couple things. Then I get reminded of the on-paper things. Someone on my left shoulder will say 

'Sweetie, If he wanted you....'

Then the Image of us with our twin girls will pop into my head (Hannah and Hope btw)

God will say it's your choice, believe what you want to. give up if that's what you want.

Then I'll go down the road of regret. Maybe things would have been different If I had the tools to just say words. I'll beat myself up about not being able to forget that fact.

When I write morning pagel It's unfiltered for the most part. I still do filter myself a bit because recovering people pleasers can't just go cold turkey. Truth is..., what I realise now is even though I hate to say it because I don't believe in that. It was love at first sight. The moment my eyes saw him crushing hard. I didn't have any reason to believe he didn't feel the same way until I saw that he had a girlfriend on Facebook. I  was more shocked and I felt like such an idiot. I was grateful I didn't say anything now because my heart would have been shattered, not broken shattered. The vision of him saying

'Esther I think you're great, but I don't feel that way about you,' 

came into my head.

Eventually, I went to how can I have been so wrong and what was the whole point of all this.  Then I saw that he was engaged and I thought well how he feels is clear, this was years ago. So I started giving him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't know, missed opportunities, reading the room wrong. I clearly missed the point, the lesson God was trying to show me. That's the last information I know about him, for all I know he could be dead. That's the worst-case scenario. 

Today my heart is not broken as in, in half but It's not completely whole because of what I just said. I know now that the lesson was self-love. Yes, I did recognise my feelings first, but then I squashed that down quickly because of the reason. I can't be anything but happiness about the way my life has turned out.

This year I've let go of the control. I mean I have no choice but to let go because I have, zero ways of contacting him. to need the truth, the truth from day one. 

I usually post my blog posts on Instagram this time I'm not doing that. I am just going to trust God and the universe to get the person who needs to see it to read it. 

47 minutes, see you see you

Morning pages #241 mood boosters

Woke at 11:30 a.m. today. Went to check the boiler was on because it's always turned off during the night nowadays. I had a one-sided conversation (talking in riddles I know but I'm not saying who and what It wasn't a bad one) that charged my already teating down mood to fully low, this happens every week. 

My mood is down because my throat is tickling so I made myself Some tea.

 

Tea check: Still hot but drinkable.

this incident got me thinking of my mood boosters

11:50 on the clock my anxious playlist on Spotify, that's the biggest one. I was thinking about my 40th party next year and unwanted guests. Then I was thinking about what will do if I had to tell these people to leave of which there are two. Then I put on Ron Konoly's album 'Sing Out' and I was happy. Music has been boosting my mood Since the days of my VHS tape of his live performance. I would watch It to the end. Then rewind it and watch it again. 

Didnt mention you know who In this morning page yet. I was thinking the other day why I haven't broken down yet. I mean it's been a long time and nothing I want to happen has happened yet. This has been my dream since the first meeting. Apart from a brief moment where I was able to convince myself I wasn't truly madly, deeply in love. Not to be confused with me trying to convince myself I don't feel what I clearly do. It's because I have a life, that's why I haven't broken down in tears over this. I can't imagine if this was all I had in life. 

My new life starts now. A new chapter is around the corner. 

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #240

Woke around 10:20 something (def before 10:30 a.m.). I found a way to add my writing...to type it up faster. To use lens isn't a  new thing but It has never worked for me in the past. Not until I bought a new iPad. 

11:35 ever since watched that (think I've written this before in here) the Tiktok of the girl letting God move the pen for her. I think you call channelling. This is not new I sometimes do this when I write my morning pages. 

God said 

You say you want to be out of Survival mode. And you have made the mistake that In order to do that I would have to take my hands and physically pull you out myself. But it's not the way it’s going to happen. Survival mode is about mindset you are the one. It was always going to be you that pulled yourself out of it. You have the power, you have control. You have been doing It already by letting go of the control 

So i paused this to do admin work for my mum. lost my train of thought I'll just leave it here

All things are possible

34 minutes see you when I see you

Morning page #239

Woke at 9:10 am, emptied my bladder then went to the kitchen.

09:49 am a cup of loose tea leaf in front of me. Diagnosis Murder on the laptop. I woke to the hot house episode. 

A few days ago I questioned myself, as I do. I found myself asking 

'Am I actually autistic or just a high empath,'

I thought for about a second. I was reminded of the thing that cemented it in my head...Masking. When I read the things a high empath has all of them were true for me (every single one) I think people always knew there was something. Like I have said before I was considered shy. That says I struggled with my confidence. I always knew it was more than that. Always had 'Am I wrong, am I right,' on a loop in my head. This led to hesitation and filtering. I was always on alert, robot-like. In fact (this just came to me) there are people that I still do that with, filter myself. Only a few people where I'm truly myself. Where the 'Am I wrong am I right,' is low. In the future, I want to spend more time with those people and less with others.

All dreams are possible. 

I'm ready for the next chapter to begin 

51 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page #238

Awoke at 11.10. The electricity was off so I spent the morning getting it back on. Tea is running out. Hopefully, someone will bless me with money so that I can top it up. Speaking off I was blessed the other day with some in-ear headphones as part of the Curry's review program. I'm still not sure If It's because I have answered (just got a thought I have said this before on here. I don't think so the last one was on the 9th) a few questions about products or if I signed up for something. 

11:30 am a cup of black Loose tea in front of me. Diagnosis Murder on the laptop. I'm going to check if there are any new episodes posted today... yep...while searching found episodes of Hart to Hart. I used to love that show haven't seen it in years though. I think I turned a corner I wasn't as anxious as I have been about my appointment, It's today at 2:10. The second thing essential for my healing/ changed my mindset. Letting go of things I can't control.

All dreams are possible.

 Let the next chapter of my life begin.

45 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page #237 my person

Woke up at 8:50, I'm not sure what time I slept exactly but the sun was coming up. That means I slept a few hours and also slept to some audiobooks. I have no doubt I will complete my book challenge this year. Currently 101 out of 156 49 to go. 

10:10 am Cup of peach and peppermint tea in front of me. Cherished by Brook St James on YouTube. I went back and forth about writing a morning page today. See what happens is I'm excited to write one and then as soon as I've done all I need to do in the morning. When I finally sat down and started writing my enthusiasm had gone down and I'd forgotten what I was going to write.

There are 3 things currently on a loop In my head at all times 

1 Worrying about money 

2. My Person 

3. The future.

Since the last two go hand in hand (because I will not be worrying about money in the future) Let's go with my person. These morning pages are about the truth, so here we go. I've been in love with someone since 2006 that's 17 years (at least) My feelings were tense from the beginning. Despite everything there was growth. I mean what I know when it comes to him, is you can fit on one finger, as in concrete/100%. Honestly, I think my journey was about self-love. and listen to my intuition. I wasted my time trying to talk myself out of this because the evidence didn't match up. From what I knew about love up to that point was from movies and TV. Two people meet they fall in love for some reason They can't be together bam they get together in the end. And all that happens within an hour. Acceptance was key not just about this, in my life. It's the one word I would use to say how I heated.

All dreams are possible I'm ready for the next chapter to start

48 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page 236 5 things you should about me (number 5) #kindness

I woke up at 9:20 a.m. So there will be a morning page today, I've already decided. I spent an hour playing the games I downloaded last night. Mahjong and two brain training games. The first one was saying every answer is wrong...huh?. Then I had a quick shower and went to the kitchen. Not a lot of plates in the sink I Just made a cup of tea. As I turned the kettle on it turned 11:01 

11:11 am a cup of Twinings Calm tea ( sliced camomile and Vanilla). I wasn't sure what the last thing was going to be. I'm all about letting the universe decide these days. So when I started thinking about the fact that we as humans have 2 reactions to someone saying something in the heat of the moment, the answer was clear. For the first half of my life, I thought everyone was like me. I didn't understand why the second person in the argument reacted by saying something worse than what was said to them. Why would you say that I know you wouldn't/didn't like that said to you. I didn't realise that person two doesn't see things that way. Brains are just wired differently.

Tea check: drinkable

Not knowing that I was unique caused me to be too hard on myself. I always air on the side kindness No matter what. I could not/will not say anything I wouldn't want to be said to me. For most people 'do on to others' is a nice quote to put on a pillow. For me, It's like an imprinted chap that's been there since birth.

All dreams are possible.

I'm ready for the next stage to begin. 

42 minutes see you When I see you

Morning Page 235 5 things you should about me (number 3) #inpatiences

Woke to a package of 2 multipacks of Walkers, which makes 4. God said surprises this month. I went to the kitchen. No plates in the sink. I was washing my cup but stopped because someone was in the bathroom. I don't want to be screamed at (because of the hot water you know) I don't even know if anyone is taking a shower in there. The first time went to the Kitchen It was 11:11.

11:32 am a cup of Peach tea in front of me. Diagnosis Murder on the laptop. I have s playlists but those videos will be removed by YouTube, soon in my experience. 

I don't think much about what I am going to write before I write it. I'm not even trying to pick things that a lot of people know about me. I let the universe decide. Which one will be number 3? 

I have been thinking a lot about this yesterday.

Tea check: Still hot

My patience hasn't been there since birth. Life beat it into me. In fact, the thing I realised last night was I am just as Impatient as the next person. I just do my impatientness inwardly. I go for an Interview and the receptionist says

'she's just finishing up she'll be about 5 minutes

I guarantee you l will still be sitting there 2 even 3 hours later.

Tea Check: drinkable

Oh, as soon as I sit down I'll think..

'Pretty sure she said 5 minutes,' 

'Did she say 5 minutes?'

'Maybe I should go over and remind her!'

'She has probably forgotten about me!'

And it's only been 5 seconds. In this case, I'm saying overthinking means Impatience. A question just jumped in my head.

'Does Impatience mean overthinking?'

I would say generally no, but patience leads to overthinking, I hate to wait. It allows my anxiety to fester.

All dreams are possible.

Survival mode is done 

I am ready for the next stage to begin.

37 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 234 5 things you should about me (number 4) #Myprocess

I had 2 dreams that remembered some details about. 

Oh, I just remembered another.

it had Amanda and Dr Slone from Diagnosis Murder in it. yes, some dreams are because I watch too much TV.

10:10 am diagnosis murder on the laptop,  A cup of Peppermint and peach tea in front of me. Dangerous since I have an appointment with the Jobcentre in like an hour. There are no toilets in the Jobcentre which makes (at least public) zero sense.

Today is about my Process, It's inward. This is why despite the evidence against it, like other positive stories. I know therapy will not work for me. You may say...

'You won't know unless you try,'

but that's the mistake I have made in the past. I was listening to outward sources. fact is talking to people is difficult for me. it's like a chore. I'm more likely to say things (through guesses) that my therapist wants to hear.

Tea check: drinkable 

As you know from previous morning pages I have been a people pleaser. I have ignored my true feelings. How I process it is I have something I am worrying about, I went to the kitchen and now my happy mood Is low. I will sit in silence. I will meditate. I will realise I am overthinking again In 30 minutes my worry is less and I am back to happy. Outwardly would cause me to stay in it for longer. Now not only am I worrying about this thing I am worrying about. I'm also worrying about your feelings.

23 minutes, see you when I see you.

All dreams are possible.

It all works out for me in the end and I love it.

I am ready for a new chapter.

Morning Page 233 5 things you should about me (number 2) #Peoplepleaser

 Woke at 10:47 a.m. Then I went to the kitchen and washed the plates in the sink. I then put my clothes on to be washed (I'm running out of clean knickers) Lastly I made myself a cup of tea and went back to my room. I'm writing this after a quick shower.

11:58 am Spotify birthday mix on the laptop, I'm still celebrating. A cup of loose black tea leaf in front of me.

It is so refreshing to be me authentically and unapologetically. 

Which brings me to today's topic.

Hi, my name is Esther Oluwatobi and I'm a recovering people pleaser. Man, it feels good to say that out loud. I was always the last on my list if that.  I only this year realised I was living as a supporting character in my own life instead of the main one. If you have a friend who you hate who drains your energy every time you are in their presence (btw, why are they still your friend) Who calls you up after finding out you have a day off asking you to help him move out. And you say yes you might be a people pleaser. For me, it became more important to be perfect. I'd care too much what people thought of me. My everything was filtered by is it what others would like. Is it Christian but we'll come to that on another day). There will still be moments (I'm recovering remember) where I just give in. I think that's fine as long as those moments are few and far between. They will disappear from my life altogether.

All your dreams are possible, you just have to believe.

Next season is around the corner

Don't dim your light. Don't forget your power.

22 minutes, see you

Morning Page 232 5 things you should about me (number 1) #Sensitive

I've decided to write a morning page every day this week and post it. I think I have almost 20-morning pages unpublished at this point. I just now decided to make it things about me. Depending on how close we are you probably know this already.

Today is the fact that I'm an HSP or highly sensitive person for those not in the know. It's not about crying at the drop of a hat. Actually, I can't remember the last time I cried. When I do it's always because of another person. Imagine a sponge, like it, I soak up everything in my wake. This is why I can wake up so happy and go to the kitchen and within 20 minutes I'm sad. Not only does my mood change based on yours it changes based on weather. I am sensitive to what you say and the tone of what you say. It's deeper than your volume, it's every single placement of the words in your sentence. Don't even get me started on facial expressions. I encounter someone I see casually and ask

'Are you ok? How are you?'

And you say with a smile 

'I'm good thanks,'

I'll assume that is true. On the other hand, if you answer the same way and your smile is nowhere to be found or is fake in my eyes. I will assume you are lying. The thing is It can still be true but if your face is missing a smile it's not. Because of this, I'm now sad because I think you are. I'm thinking what is it?, How bad is it? Why would you lie?

It was 9:05 at the start of this I washed the plates in the sink and made a chai tea.

All your dreams are possible you just have to believe.

Next season is around the corner

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

29 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #231 The truth will out

I woke at 5: 38 am

Today I remembered that I had the dream. I don't remember what it was about. Woke to the diagnosis murder episode where the bride and groom kill the bride's father. It's one of the funny ones. Had a quick shower and went to the kitchen. 

06: 32am A cup of loose tea I have been doing tarot reading and a ta leaf reading for 6 days in a roll at this point. Diagnosis Murder episodes 5: 6 looks can kill on the laptop.

I woke up thinking about... I went down Overthinking Avenue and stopped at I am Wrong Drive. You know if you really wanted me you would have told me by now. I'm scared I'll be 80 and still single. You didn't even send me a birthday message but then neither did anyone else from 'Get a Life,' so. Now I am back on the road again. My car stalled until I remembered God saying to me.

'You will meet the man you are going to marry this year,' The year was 2006. I even remember the notebook I put it in a yellow fluffy one with an animal on it. I pass the things I don't know Aka the reason for the delay. The next road I come across is you contacting me. As I looked closer I saw seeing you again. Next Road said First Date Avenue. Then I smiled as I drove past all my daydreams coming true. And my mood officially changed when I passed our future life. First of all, if this was just a crush it would be over by now. At max, the second year, maybe the third. Lessons to be learnt could have happened from the memory alone. The reason to still be feeling this way There is only one reason to be still feeling this way I hold on to that. I know no one reads these but I am making myself vulnerable by posting this I'm a very private person. Honestly, I don't care I only need one person to read it. I'm feeling frustrated and confused about this situationship that isn't even that, not even close. The only conclusion is the truth. Whatever it is, soon.

All dreams are possible, full stop that's it

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

47 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #230 Have a thought post a video

 I think this is one of the ones I'll post. It is my birthday after all. Woke from a dream but now I can't remember what it was about. It was 10: 45 or thereabouts. I did my affirmations and a quick 'have a thought post a video'. Had a little shower and then washed the plates in the sink. 

11:11 am Birthday mix on Spotify a cup of tea in front of me. I decided to do a tea leaf reading this morning. So that's the tea I'm drinking.

Have a thought post a video is another way of living without a filter. Self-explanatory really, I have a thought, a realisation if you will. I learned the lesson I was meant to like a light bulb moment. 

Today was about survival mode. When you are living paycheck to paycheck. When you are on edge about the next thing to worry about. You are in survival mode. When I say 2023 has been a year of a changed mindset, I'm not kidding. Drastic change I've been focusing on what I want to see and do. I was unfamiliar with that practice until this year. I spend less time on the things I don't see in my future. Let me tell you this for nothing, I've been happier about it.

My realisation and I shouldn't have been surprised because the change has been 100% in my head (mindset) My environment is pretty much the same. My realisation is just that I thought to be out of survival mode I would need God psychically lifting me out because I can't just walk out. I can't just delete my account on universal credit. There are consequences to my actions. I was wrong and I realised that on my 39th birthday. It has always been about me. How can it not be this is my life 'face palm,' 

All dreams are possible, full stop that's it

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

27 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page 229 #I didn't place anywhere on my list

 woke up at 9:09 am.

Val came to my room or was sent to my room it's not clear.

I used the toilet ( number 1) then I went to the kitchen. the sponge was missing so I used another one. FYI the sponge was hidden in the dishes. it's just one of those lessons about not being too hard on yourself. I would have told myself in the past I should have seen that. why didn't I check there? I'm also thinking why would someone put it there? I can't wash without it, a stupid place to put it. I know it wasn't ( probably) placed there it fell there.

9:40 a.m. a cup of orange tea in front of me. diagnosis murder on my laptop.

Mum just asked me if anyone came to talk to us in secondary school ( he was about to talk to kids at school in Nigeria) it's been 23 years, and guess what... of course, I don't remember. but I say yes because I know that's the answer she wants.

number one: I don't know why it's important I say yes to this it seems important to you.

number two: I don't see why I don't remember it wouldn't be. it's the only answer for an average person who hasn't been to or anywhere near school in 23 years.

number three: I know I don't know is an OK answer to a question. this is what I will up I realised this is how many of my conversations/ interactions go.

Tea check: drinkable.

I didn't place anywhere on my list. it was so important to make you happy, to say the to not say the wrong thing, I lost myself. I think the reason it went unnoticed by me and others was because when I lied it wasn't outrageous. like that above I just said I remembered when I didn't, said I agreed when I didn't. I am going to recognise these and try my best to lead with honesty no matter what.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

26 minutes,  (that's when my next appointment is) see you when I see you.

Morning page 228 #My life in sevens

  I woke up at 11:55 a.m., right there I knew it was going to be after 12 when I start writing this. Still, I'm going to write one I put it on my to-do list. Went to the kitchen, wash the plates in the sink

12:12 a.m. Family Guy on the laptop which I slept to. A cup of sweet caramel in front of me.

In 2019 I had my spiritual Awakening, when I decided I had to fill my feels about the input of another. well, yesterday I was randomly (random ha) thinking about a list I wrote putting my life in sevens. in fact, that's what I called it My Life in Sevens.

Tea check: still hot.

I realised that

Born 1984 - 1991 { 1- 7}

My mum's mum came to live with us. She mentally abused me for 30 years. Though she came to England in 1992 I was 7 years old she came a month before my birthday.

1992 - 1998

1999 - 2005

2006 - 2012

2013 - 2019

Tea check: drinkable

my love life: the non-existent

I know why it hasn't happened yet. In my mind soulmates meet, recognise each other, get married and have kids. I didn't realise my people-pleasing was taking over everything I needed to do some soul-searching and learn some self-love. now that ... I would say almost tripped myself of my people-pleasing personality ( I don't think it will be something that is totally gone) I have no doubt I will be married within 3 years based on my intuition.

my dreams are impossible before they become possible. the doubts make my walls stronger.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: I accidentally wrote my instead of all. I think I'll leave it, writing this from now on.

Morning Page #227 Peaceful and calm

 No washing plates not even a visit to the toilet my mum came in my room to say she needed the ipad and some peace for god leaflets printed.

10:50 am a cup of peppermint and strawberry tea in front of me. Family Guy on the laptop slept to it.

I think that sometimes I write a morning page when I'm angry but today I'm not. Just peaceful and calm. My next appointment is on the 26th of July. Period ended a few days ago. Electricity and gas...well electricity is low but I'm chill about it.

I just got three packages in the mail

Tea check: too hot.

I'm obsessed with the doughnut fidget toy I brought from TikTok. The collection of rubbers I got is pretty cute. Also got two card decks one Oracle and one tarot. and some clothes and a set of cute toothbrushes.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #226 out of my life this year.

 Woke up at 7:30 weed how do I even write it,. It looks like weed the drugs (Maybe wee'd) I didn't wash any dishes ( except the one I used last night) because there weren't many in there. 

7: 38 am Family Guy season 7 on my laptop. It usually stops running during the night and I just play the season of the time. Hence why season 7 is playing. Though I would add the minutes together, today was different. a cup of afternoon tea, without milk. Just the way my dad used to drink it. It's stuff like that init. The little things you remember.

Let's talk about pet peeves. I have a million of them, there's a lot of them. Too many to count, every single one of these would make my life easier. like when we run out of milk and I have to drink it black. 

Tea check: Still hot.

When I'm in a car and I see a dirty car. It makes me want to be sick.

Unesscsssary mess, It's not the dishes in the sink. It's not what my room looks like (clutter) It's the used tissues on the counter when the bin is right there.

My nose is hayfever suffering. I'm currently thinking about the fact I have to go out three times next week. Concentrating on the fact that after that restart will be over. I dare you to give me another appointment after, I dare you. Also concentrating on my new business. I have a wicked brilliant idea. I can't wait to start. It's very successful. My goal is to start this year. Actually, my real goal is to get universal credit out of my life this year. Explaining my feelings that is no way to live. I will change the system. It will be different in the future if I have anything to do with it.

Tea check: drinkable, (If you can call it that)

Dad, why did you enjoy it this way?

Health, he just said to me.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

30 minutes see you when I see you.

I'm noting that it was also 30 minutes yesterday.

Morning page #225

 Woke from a nice long sleep and remembered a dream about the future. It was 10:38 when I went to the kitchen. Washed plates and made myself a cup of tea. 

11:19 am a cup of...it's the tea that comes in powder (with milk btw). I didn't realise that was a thing, I'm never going back.

I've written a morning page 5 days in a row. You just haven't seen them yet (or ever) because I decided not to publish them. I wonder if I'll show them when I publish this book. Because God...

Tea check: Still hot.

...just told me to do that when I have filled this notebook (without the unpublished ones). Ooh, maybe I'll publish it later as an extra/bonus, these are just ideas.

This is one of those morning pages where you know what you're going to write. but when you get to it you've forgotten it all. 

Ok, the first thing that springs to mind.

I'm thinking of...you know who....hmmm what can I call him because he's no longer a crush. Mate crush left the room 10 years ago.

Tea check: drinkable.

He is not a horrible person. I think If I had told him I was feeling him he probably would have said 

'Uh...Esther I think you're a great girl but...I'm seeing someone or just see you as a friend,' It's just a punch in the face init.

But honestly, I also think about what he looks like now. Does he have long hair and still wear glasses. Or did I make that up, remembered it wrong and he always had long hair and never wore glasses. These are the things I think about. When I dream of him I see him the last time I saw him which was a good 16 years ago. Come to think of it I don't usually see his face but I know it's him from his presence or whatever. It's like back in the day when my siblings and I lived in the same house. My brother would say

'How do you know it's me coming up the stairs,'

'I know your footsteps,'

I wonder how many people experience this or don't actually. 

Septic: It's just the shoes, you memorized the sound of his shoes.

Listen don't burst my bubble, okay.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

28 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #224

 Woke at 9...something but it was 9: 38 when I went to the kitchen. No washing plates today sometimes you just don't feel it. I always feel my morning cup of tea though. Did some job search and saw the time was 11:11. Ok might as well write a morning page.

11: 27 am I've finished my cup of Graze black tea. Currently watching (and now I need to wee again) Family Guy which I slept to on the laptop.

Ok, currently things in my head/ what I am stressing about.

Number one: work-based benefit (The things I need to do to please others)

Hi, my name is Esther, I am a recovering people pleaser.

Ya, I'm going to need to pause this. 11: 30 am.

Back 11:36 am

The thing about recovery is it's still there In small doses but it's still there. All that stuff feels like I'm dragging it behind me in a heavy bag. At least it's 10% not 90. That's how I know I'm not in...uh...not living...um...not in my authentic life. Not living the way God intended when I was a thought in his eyes. My goal is to let that bag go.

Number two: The one that got away, but did he really...I believe in everything happens for a reason. That's why I didn't push myself to be vocal about how I really felt. First of all that gift is not in my toolbox (Notice I wrote is not). Secondly, I felt strongly that If it's meant to be it will be. I will be in a relationship with this guy or I will learn the lesson I haven't seen yet. I can honestly say the latter was definitely true. Yet to witness if the first was also true. Only time will tell.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

27 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #223

 I work from a dream remembered. Went to the kitchen at 8:30 am and made myself a cup of tea. 

9: 16 am cup of mint raspberry and lemon tea in front of me. Family Guy season 8 is on my laptop. Might need to get a new one soon the E doesn't work properly.

Tea check: drinkable

It is very frustrating to be a different person inside but my environment is the same. I don't have the tools to explain where I am coming from. I wish more people understood that someone who is searching for work at age 25 and below is different from someone searching for work at age 30 and above. That 3 mini-course I did for them. The only thing it gave me is more reasons to overthink. I think that their success is different from mine. Theirs is getting a job everything else is just noise. My goal is improving and growing, number one happiness. The Job is a bonus. I can not keep going like this for a month let alone another five years. I just wish I could make people believe understand what I was saying always, that would be my preferred superpower. 

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #222

 I had a jampacked dream today, great dream, great sleep. I am tired and I'm thinking to myself I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to sleep. But alas I have an appointment at 10:30 am. Get ready to go at 10:03 and arrived in the area at 10:20. 

Not a good appointment from my point of view I am very stressed about it. I got home at 11:50, still, I decided to write this even though it's now

12:20 cup of sweet caramel in front of me. I am currently doing my affirmations. starting with motivation quotes.

Tea check: hot but drinkable

Survival mode I am ready for it to be done.

If you are going on benefit and work-based benefit especially. My advice is don't trust anyone. Your work coach is not your friend they are just trying to do their job and get paid. You're just a number to them. 

I'm feeling my brain with 'its temporary,' and God is working behind the scenes, but I don't want to be in this cycle of stress and worry I am on the edge of my seat with worry. Then it's fine like nothing happened. Then on to the next one. I just can't take another second of this. My work coach says I'm not doing enough, but I can not do anything that is more to please others than not. I've been put on a mandatory course and I'm beating myself up about going. I'm sick of this I want it gone.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

23 minutes see you when I see you.