Morning page #261

Woke at 840 ish and I needed the toilet. After that, I played a few levels on Cooking Diary and Treasure Party. Did today's Duolingo lesson. Today's Timehop and manifest app. 11:11 watch later list on YouTube. I was watching GMM's Gut check marathon. A cup of PG tips in front of me. I started bringing out some old merch. Today's is supernatural A lesson was learnt yesterday. 

'There is no going back fall Stop!'

God's exact words, so If you say yes when you wanted to say no. When you said no before. You picked back up a habit you broke. It's not a step back because it was always meant to happen. Imagine we didn't live in a world of www.coms. And we didn't share. Let's say you only saw your journey. For you to be mad you didn't know at 1 year old you would have to carry your tray to your next class. You can't be born and then be in year 2. You have to be a baby and go through 1 2 3 4 5 reception and then year one before get to 2, you can't skip it, you know it's not possible. If you walk Into a dark kitchen and you take more than a second to find the light. Then you beat yourself up about not finding it sooner. Yes, it's the kitchen, I think most kitchen lights are roughly in the same place. The fact is you didn't know where the light was before you knew it. Your life went walk, search for.. let's say 30 seconds, turn on light. It couldn't have gone walk in, turn or light because that's not your journey.

35 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #260

Woke at 5 something and then I didn't go back to sleep. Being on friendly credit the gas supply went off at 10. That was what was keeping me awake. So I spent my morning getting It back on.

11:30 am Haunting in Venice movie on Disney+ on the laptop, a cup of twinnings tea (can't  remember which one)  

Tea check: Drinkable.

Anxiety led to overthinking led to frustration. And Paranoia over my lack of lack of love life. The one who didn't know he was the one at the time. Broke my heart and now lives rent-free in my head. I thought, then l was shocked. How could I have been so wrong? It can only be a joke. Idiot how can you think..... (laugh). Just because... doesn't mean he liked you. The message is clear, then why do I still feel this way. What is the lesson I need to learn? 

I just now daydreamed a conversation of him asking what I daydreamed about when it comes to us. 

Me: All the things that couples do I say. From our first date to our kids 

:how many kids will we have?

Me: 6 twin girls another girl and three boys.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #259 inner monologues

I slept to the new Chicken Run movie. It's today's movie. Oh, my goal is to make a video a day. A project I'm calling 'me without a filter,' and decided to add watch a new movie (new for me of course) to it. I slept after making today's video. 

Have you ever been in love?

Woke up at 11:38, then | woke again at 12:38. I went to the kitchen. I thought I might as well do a tea leaf reading. While there l thought of tomorrow's video 'my spiritual journey,' I don't know If you know this about me. You might have assumed correctly (those of you who don't know me in real life that is). I grew up in a Christian home. That's how I would start it. That beginning has been going around in my head for an hour. I'm wondering if I should write it down, I don't want to forget it. Got me thinking about inner monologues. Because I had always thought this was how everyone thinks. Ever since that debate came up. You know whether I have it or not. This has made it clearer 

40 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page #258

I woke up today at 9:57. I know because was able to use my sleep app which records your sleep 

11:44 am cup of Yorkshire tea in front of me, family guy on YouTube. YouTube has new episodes on there but that's not the main reason I haven't used Disney+ for it. 

The number one reason is that it goes black after one episode or two. I don't know how to fix it. Family Guy is the reason I brought Disney in the first place l. I don't think it has anything to do with the show actually. I think I'm going crazy, I heard my having a conversation. But she and I were the only two people in the house. I know there is an explanation. Though I haven't reached a point of fear of it being the things you are thinking it is. 

Voices in your head Esther, that's a problem,

I think one of the things that helped me start living my authentic self is acceptance of some home truths. The fact is a huge percentage of my mental health-related problems are other people. I was happy I woke up from a great. A dream about a certain someone. Don't ask what was it about, I remember nothing. 

'Then how do you know you did,' 

I just know it's like when my brother used to ask me how I know it's him coming up the stairs when I can't see him. I dream about people I know all the time. Then intake up and I've forgotten number one, what it was about. Number two, who it was, but I still have the memory of I knew this person. I was happy because I woke up thinking about my future hubby. He might be somewhere thinking about me. No evidence for that of course, because...silence. But there is also no evidence against it.  So I'm going to continue to believe it. So someone came in. my room and then...so I was and (because I wasn't the full word). Then I sat with it for a while and concluded, it was not that deep. Now back to the start happy and hopeful. I can't ignore the common denominator

32 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning page 257

I woke at 11:36 am and went back to sleep, I woke again at 12:09. I've decided I am going to write a morning page. I was going to say this week but it's Saturday. So this week and next week, until I get sick of it.

12:47 a m cup of Yorkshire tea in front of me. Watch later list on my laptop. I know that where I am now is where I am meant to be. On the surface, I know this. But in the back of my mind, I thought of my life If I had made different choices. I like my life being what happens tomorrow is determined by what happened today. If I didn't see something that made me want to binge-watch all Marvel movies a few months ago. I wouldn't have gotten to the latest Dr Strange movie a few days ago. I wouldn't have started thinking about the multiverse, as in the different versions of me. Me's who choose the opposite of what I choose in this lifetime. I wouldn't have concluded that most versions led to where I am now, the others led to my death so that at 22. All of this wouldn't have happened if God hadn't been trying to get into my head that I am exactly where I need to be right 

29 minutes, see you When I see you.

Morning page #257

Woke at 10:02. My computer was off

Did I forget to put the charger in or did my mum accidentally pull It out? I think I am learning to let those things go. Because I'm not going to ask. I don't want the answer to be no. which will lead to me beating myself up about asking in the first place. Which will lead to me going back (like having a time machine) to figure out what happens.

My conclusion 'Will be I am an idiot for forgetting to plug in the USB part. Now I am walking down the wrong lesson plan avenue. I'm thinking It's not to be perfect and not make any mistakes.

11:40 a cup of cinnamon spice tea in front of me (which I forgot to put milk in) I'll do it now.

11:50. I just made another because the glass plate in the microwave broke. So there's nothing to put it on. Take your judgment back to where it came from. I don't have a problem warming my tea in the microwave.

12:12: round two, a cup of sweet caramel in front of me.

Art idea: walls of...walls of (trying to think of the word...I wrote frustration) update I was thinking of blocking me.

Tea cheek: Still hot

I was going to write a lot but I'd forgotten what it all was. I think I'll just leave it there.

45 minutes, see you when up I see you.

Morning page #256

Woke but didn't check the time. I heard someone say 

'who is it?' was that a dream? 

I went to the toilet. Then I went to the Kitchen and looked at the time It was 11:11.

11:42 Family guy on Youtube, Moringo tea in front of me. I've been obsessed with the game and cooking diary on my iPad.

I think I'm starting to understand the meaning of truly letting go of control.

Tea check: Drinkable

It wasn't lessening my people-pleasing nature. It was literary letting God take the wheel and letting life happen. Yesterday I was thinking to myself I am really hungry. I open the fridge. there's no food in there but leftovers and nothing I'm in the mood for. I don't want to make eggs again. Before I could get frustrated and irritable. My brother came with my niece and nephew. And he decided to order McDonald's. If I'm not mistaken I haven't ordered since I was in school, maybe even earlier than that. So yeah I'm leaning more into that from today.

32 minutes see you when I see you

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