Morning Page 233 5 things you should about me (number 2) #Peoplepleaser

 Woke at 10:47 a.m. Then I went to the kitchen and washed the plates in the sink. I then put my clothes on to be washed (I'm running out of clean knickers) Lastly I made myself a cup of tea and went back to my room. I'm writing this after a quick shower.

11:58 am Spotify birthday mix on the laptop, I'm still celebrating. A cup of loose black tea leaf in front of me.

It is so refreshing to be me authentically and unapologetically. 

Which brings me to today's topic.

Hi, my name is Esther Oluwatobi and I'm a recovering people pleaser. Man, it feels good to say that out loud. I was always the last on my list if that.  I only this year realised I was living as a supporting character in my own life instead of the main one. If you have a friend who you hate who drains your energy every time you are in their presence (btw, why are they still your friend) Who calls you up after finding out you have a day off asking you to help him move out. And you say yes you might be a people pleaser. For me, it became more important to be perfect. I'd care too much what people thought of me. My everything was filtered by is it what others would like. Is it Christian but we'll come to that on another day). There will still be moments (I'm recovering remember) where I just give in. I think that's fine as long as those moments are few and far between. They will disappear from my life altogether.

All your dreams are possible, you just have to believe.

Next season is around the corner

Don't dim your light. Don't forget your power.

22 minutes, see you

Morning Page 232 5 things you should about me (number 1) #Sensitive

I've decided to write a morning page every day this week and post it. I think I have almost 20-morning pages unpublished at this point. I just now decided to make it things about me. Depending on how close we are you probably know this already.

Today is the fact that I'm an HSP or highly sensitive person for those not in the know. It's not about crying at the drop of a hat. Actually, I can't remember the last time I cried. When I do it's always because of another person. Imagine a sponge, like it, I soak up everything in my wake. This is why I can wake up so happy and go to the kitchen and within 20 minutes I'm sad. Not only does my mood change based on yours it changes based on weather. I am sensitive to what you say and the tone of what you say. It's deeper than your volume, it's every single placement of the words in your sentence. Don't even get me started on facial expressions. I encounter someone I see casually and ask

'Are you ok? How are you?'

And you say with a smile 

'I'm good thanks,'

I'll assume that is true. On the other hand, if you answer the same way and your smile is nowhere to be found or is fake in my eyes. I will assume you are lying. The thing is It can still be true but if your face is missing a smile it's not. Because of this, I'm now sad because I think you are. I'm thinking what is it?, How bad is it? Why would you lie?

It was 9:05 at the start of this I washed the plates in the sink and made a chai tea.

All your dreams are possible you just have to believe.

Next season is around the corner

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

29 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #231 The truth will out

I woke at 5: 38 am

Today I remembered that I had the dream. I don't remember what it was about. Woke to the diagnosis murder episode where the bride and groom kill the bride's father. It's one of the funny ones. Had a quick shower and went to the kitchen. 

06: 32am A cup of loose tea I have been doing tarot reading and a ta leaf reading for 6 days in a roll at this point. Diagnosis Murder episodes 5: 6 looks can kill on the laptop.

I woke up thinking about... I went down Overthinking Avenue and stopped at I am Wrong Drive. You know if you really wanted me you would have told me by now. I'm scared I'll be 80 and still single. You didn't even send me a birthday message but then neither did anyone else from 'Get a Life,' so. Now I am back on the road again. My car stalled until I remembered God saying to me.

'You will meet the man you are going to marry this year,' The year was 2006. I even remember the notebook I put it in a yellow fluffy one with an animal on it. I pass the things I don't know Aka the reason for the delay. The next road I come across is you contacting me. As I looked closer I saw seeing you again. Next Road said First Date Avenue. Then I smiled as I drove past all my daydreams coming true. And my mood officially changed when I passed our future life. First of all, if this was just a crush it would be over by now. At max, the second year, maybe the third. Lessons to be learnt could have happened from the memory alone. The reason to still be feeling this way There is only one reason to be still feeling this way I hold on to that. I know no one reads these but I am making myself vulnerable by posting this I'm a very private person. Honestly, I don't care I only need one person to read it. I'm feeling frustrated and confused about this situationship that isn't even that, not even close. The only conclusion is the truth. Whatever it is, soon.

All dreams are possible, full stop that's it

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

47 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #230 Have a thought post a video

 I think this is one of the ones I'll post. It is my birthday after all. Woke from a dream but now I can't remember what it was about. It was 10: 45 or thereabouts. I did my affirmations and a quick 'have a thought post a video'. Had a little shower and then washed the plates in the sink. 

11:11 am Birthday mix on Spotify a cup of tea in front of me. I decided to do a tea leaf reading this morning. So that's the tea I'm drinking.

Have a thought post a video is another way of living without a filter. Self-explanatory really, I have a thought, a realisation if you will. I learned the lesson I was meant to like a light bulb moment. 

Today was about survival mode. When you are living paycheck to paycheck. When you are on edge about the next thing to worry about. You are in survival mode. When I say 2023 has been a year of a changed mindset, I'm not kidding. Drastic change I've been focusing on what I want to see and do. I was unfamiliar with that practice until this year. I spend less time on the things I don't see in my future. Let me tell you this for nothing, I've been happier about it.

My realisation and I shouldn't have been surprised because the change has been 100% in my head (mindset) My environment is pretty much the same. My realisation is just that I thought to be out of survival mode I would need God psychically lifting me out because I can't just walk out. I can't just delete my account on universal credit. There are consequences to my actions. I was wrong and I realised that on my 39th birthday. It has always been about me. How can it not be this is my life 'face palm,' 

All dreams are possible, full stop that's it

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

27 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page 229 #I didn't place anywhere on my list

 woke up at 9:09 am.

Val came to my room or was sent to my room it's not clear.

I used the toilet ( number 1) then I went to the kitchen. the sponge was missing so I used another one. FYI the sponge was hidden in the dishes. it's just one of those lessons about not being too hard on yourself. I would have told myself in the past I should have seen that. why didn't I check there? I'm also thinking why would someone put it there? I can't wash without it, a stupid place to put it. I know it wasn't ( probably) placed there it fell there.

9:40 a.m. a cup of orange tea in front of me. diagnosis murder on my laptop.

Mum just asked me if anyone came to talk to us in secondary school ( he was about to talk to kids at school in Nigeria) it's been 23 years, and guess what... of course, I don't remember. but I say yes because I know that's the answer she wants.

number one: I don't know why it's important I say yes to this it seems important to you.

number two: I don't see why I don't remember it wouldn't be. it's the only answer for an average person who hasn't been to or anywhere near school in 23 years.

number three: I know I don't know is an OK answer to a question. this is what I will up I realised this is how many of my conversations/ interactions go.

Tea check: drinkable.

I didn't place anywhere on my list. it was so important to make you happy, to say the to not say the wrong thing, I lost myself. I think the reason it went unnoticed by me and others was because when I lied it wasn't outrageous. like that above I just said I remembered when I didn't, said I agreed when I didn't. I am going to recognise these and try my best to lead with honesty no matter what.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

26 minutes,  (that's when my next appointment is) see you when I see you.

Morning page 228 #My life in sevens

  I woke up at 11:55 a.m., right there I knew it was going to be after 12 when I start writing this. Still, I'm going to write one I put it on my to-do list. Went to the kitchen, wash the plates in the sink

12:12 a.m. Family Guy on the laptop which I slept to. A cup of sweet caramel in front of me.

In 2019 I had my spiritual Awakening, when I decided I had to fill my feels about the input of another. well, yesterday I was randomly (random ha) thinking about a list I wrote putting my life in sevens. in fact, that's what I called it My Life in Sevens.

Tea check: still hot.

I realised that

Born 1984 - 1991 { 1- 7}

My mum's mum came to live with us. She mentally abused me for 30 years. Though she came to England in 1992 I was 7 years old she came a month before my birthday.

1992 - 1998

1999 - 2005

2006 - 2012

2013 - 2019

Tea check: drinkable

my love life: the non-existent

I know why it hasn't happened yet. In my mind soulmates meet, recognise each other, get married and have kids. I didn't realise my people-pleasing was taking over everything I needed to do some soul-searching and learn some self-love. now that ... I would say almost tripped myself of my people-pleasing personality ( I don't think it will be something that is totally gone) I have no doubt I will be married within 3 years based on my intuition.

my dreams are impossible before they become possible. the doubts make my walls stronger.

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: I accidentally wrote my instead of all. I think I'll leave it, writing this from now on.

Morning Page #227 Peaceful and calm

 No washing plates not even a visit to the toilet my mum came in my room to say she needed the ipad and some peace for god leaflets printed.

10:50 am a cup of peppermint and strawberry tea in front of me. Family Guy on the laptop slept to it.

I think that sometimes I write a morning page when I'm angry but today I'm not. Just peaceful and calm. My next appointment is on the 26th of July. Period ended a few days ago. Electricity and gas...well electricity is low but I'm chill about it.

I just got three packages in the mail

Tea check: too hot.

I'm obsessed with the doughnut fidget toy I brought from TikTok. The collection of rubbers I got is pretty cute. Also got two card decks one Oracle and one tarot. and some clothes and a set of cute toothbrushes.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

10 minutes, see you when I see you.