Morning pages #119

A cup of tea in front of me, Family Guy on the mac. I like Family Guy because It's hilarious and it helps me sleep (not cause it's boring) I think It has something to do with the colours but I'm not a scientist.

 

Oh I didn't say the time 

It's now 9:17 am.

I'm very aware of repeating things in these pages. I know I probably said I'm trying to lean more into, whatever happens, happens.

 

I am worried about being put on a course I don't want need. I'm also aware of wasting my time {I'm trying

not to write because too much} I know this part of my life is temporary. The

thing is I don't think I have a choice but to say yes to these courses. I'm now

on a customer service course. And it's been on my mind too much I can't

complete it then it came back with more information. So, I've just been

avoiding it. I want to contact my teacher for help but short of giving me the

words to write I don’t see what else she can do it. When I complete it that

will be a huge weight off my mind. My work coach is no help. She has certain

things to tick off. Like me doing a course. They always ask 

 

'How's your work search going?

 

Take a lucky guess, I always stress about that. I don't want to say 

 

'Not well, clearly,'

 

I learnt a long time ago that me saying…

'Because I don't want to,' is not good enough for them.

 

I was doing a course years ago, Go train. One day I did want to go. I was called and the woman said

 

'If you don't have a good enough reason you need to be here,'

 

'What even if it's taking every bone in my body just to get out of bed,'

 

That's when I knew I can't put myself in that position again. Where I explain myself

and it falls on death's ears. Me saying I don't want to do this course should

be enough. I'm me 24/7 and have been me for nearly 38 years. You see a quarter

of my life if that. You have no idea what I go through daily. You

know that saying 

 

"Your words have power,"

 

I wish everyone I ever spoke to could see how their words affect me. They would

see the things that stick in my head. It would be like a TV on top of the head.

 

42 minutes, see you when I see you.

 

I thought about not posting this because even though no one not many

people read these. They could read this and be offended. I’m posting

this because this is just how I feel I can’t filter myself anymore.

 

Morning pages #118

 11: 25am, huh I thought it was later. Chips meatballs and Yorkshire pudding in front of me, Family guy on the mac.

I didn’t plan to write a morning page today. Well, none of them is planned really. I just felt overwhelmed that I should after the sentence.

‘I’m sick of trying to please people, ‘

I mean I’m a grown woman I know what I need. What got me here is my work coach asking me to ask something I’m ok not knowing. I can’t worry about being unemployed. Sure, I can get a call/email saying can you come for an interview tomorrow but I can’t worry about that today. I’m ok not knowing about next month. I need! my life to be, whatever happens, happens. I need my life to be as easy as possible.

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #117 2.2.22

8: 13 am, a cup of heart tea in front of me. No lie that's actually what it's called, It smells like blackcurrant. I was inspired to write this today because of the date. 

Right now the thing on my mind that is causing me the most stress is the job centre/universal credit. I have an appointment tomorrow and I haven't stopped thinking about it since the last one. Which was 28th Jan (Yes, it is too soon). Every two weeks are you kidding me, I just can't keep this up. my life is now jobcentre appointment, worry about the next, jobcentre appointment worry about the next, jobcentre appointment worry about the next. I desperately need to not need to use the jobcentre. I'm sorry UC but I need this relationship to end and end fast. I've been doing these affirmations for this year so far and it will continue for the remainder. doing them helps me to change my mindset. It's what I am mainly focused on right now,

15 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning pages #116 I'm changing

10:59am cup of peppermint tea in front of me, Sherlock Holmes the blanched soldier on my apple mac. 

I set myself a goal to read 100 books this year. It might seem a lot, but I think it's doable because I read 83 books last year. I worked it out that if I read 8 a month I could do it. 

That's how I taught myself to handle things like this, break them down into small pieces. I mean 100 is a big number 8 12 times makes it manageable. 

I'm trying not to repeat something I've written before, which is why I had to delete the last one. I must remember to delete it from my USB. 

 

I am noticing a change in myself. it's not really something that would be noticeable to others, though some of it might. I even cut my hair a week ago, but that's not what I'm talking about. Any social interaction...any time another person was in the room. I'd be on high alert, worrying about the high standard I put on myself. My heart would be going 100 miles per hour. Today I was relaxed. Of course, I worried, and I overthought (I don't think that's a word) till the cows came home. It was all fine because everything I said was the truth (ah, speaking in riddles) 

20 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning pages #115

 10:27am cup of peppermint and strawberry tea in front of me. 

I was watching Wentworth now I’m not (In that I paused it not that I switched it off).

Anyway, I was thinking about the list I mentioned the other day.

‘Things I need less of for my mental health,’

There’s three on my list so far

Number one: Drama, self-explanatory

Number two: High expectations from myself and others.

Number three: To…(how would I put this...) to worry less about the things I can not control. 

Like for example, if I forget to do something it’s not on purpose. Yet I still tell myself I should have remembered, these things are out of my control. It just ruins the day because now that’s all I’m thinking about. 

You know I won’t be able to get rid of it all together because that’s just how my brain works. I might be able to calm it down a little, it’s that strive for perfection thing that is now in me. 

I mean you can’t just erase 30 years even if it is a learnt thing and not something that has always been. I’ve learnt to accept that this is me and I just need better ways to cope with what I’ve been dealt with. Like no matter how much I want this to be a cartoon it’s real life and I won’t ever be able to get rid of my negative voice. I can at least quiet it and calm it down.

19 minutes, see you when I see you.  

Morning pages #114

 11:18 am cup of tea in front of me. History cold case on prime video on the mac. I figure I either must stop the subscription or start using it more. I choose the latter. My opinion (though I’m keeping the subscription) Prime video is still not worth it despite the fact you can Binge some shows/ movies that are not on Netflix. I’ve been binge-watching the mentalist literary haven’t seen that show in years. It’s too many added costs, £1:89 an episode, are you kidding. I also have Adele’s ‘To be loved, definitely my favourite song on the ‘30’ album. 

I was recently thinking about…my process, I guess. 

I started writing something titled ‘Things I need less of for my mental health,’ I might share it in the future, I might not. This list will not be completed today. It might not even be completed next year, that’s my process. This is the reason writing is enough for me and why I know therapy won’t work. 

In the short story If I have a problem that one thing is 3, talking to another makes it 10. I’m not going to go into why that’s a morning page for another day. Being older has taught me what I need and what I need number one is to be able to go at my own pace. Writing does that, I have notebooks of writing where I have titles like that one. But me discovering writing as a tool was a slow process. I didn’t realise how happy I got in Primary school when we had to design and write our own kids book (unfinished but mine was called going to school or something like that) Or when I ignored the positive feelings from being told by an English teacher in my secondary school a poem I had written was in her words ‘really good,’ I didn’t even take my writing seriously when I was coming out of depression in 2006 and God said, ‘just write it down.’ It took years later a year after I decided to write my first book. 2008 at a friends hip-hop week was when I decided yea, I’m going to give this writing thing a try. When I wrote something I liked. Not only that I thought to myself this sounds like it came from someone else. 

There are two reasons I write more than I talk.

One is mental health, I guess the second kind of incorporates the first. I don’t want to turn into a certain someone. This is why I write down memories, Being transparent here it’s one of my worst fears.

41 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #113

11: 20 am, woke to an audiobook on YouTube. Audiobooks make reading much easier. If not I would have to read each page twice and I’d read a book a year (if that).

Bowl of fruit in front of me. It's common for me to have a bowl of fruit for breakfast. 15-year-old Esther would not approve. I’m also listening to my liked songs on Spotify. Currently Santana’s smooth playing.

Man I'm bursting for the loo…ok, pause, 11:30am

Ok, back,…11:46, no I wasn’t doing a number two. I was trying to buy electricity and gas. A few months ago the website changed. I’ve even been using guests to pay because I can’t get into my account, ridiculous. Currently playing Stomp by Steps, ah nostalgia. That’s what most of my liked list is ’90s cheesy (no offence Steps) feel-good music. So now you know my taste in music.

15 minutes, See you when I see you.