Morning Page #266

Woke at a few minutes before 10. Went to the toilet (number 1). Then went to the kitchen to make my tea. 

10.48 am cats does countdown on my laptop, A Cup of Turmeric chai tea front of me.

I got a message from a friend saying would you want to meet up on Saturday. I said sounds good, even though over thinking mainly how am I going to get there, how will I get home. I'm thinking I have no money in my card, but I can ask my mum for money. I can take a cab there. Then I worry about access to internet when I'm m coming home. I can get a bus where there is access to internet. I've also been daydreaming a surprise meetup with my crush. I havent seen this friend since 2018, 6 years and my crush since 2007 almost 17 years. Cant help but think about what if's. Like If we got married how old would our kids be would we still be or together today or would we have broken up. Then I think about his feelings for me. I know nothing, Zitch, Zero about them either way. This causes me to think about my childhood. If you asked me what words I would use to decribe it would say Guesswork. I just assumed because I didn't have talking to people in my tool box. I assume not only does he not fancy me he doesnt like me either bassed on the fact that I havent seen him in 17 years. Really I dont know so why am making It up, that's a waste.

A week turned into a month turned into a year turned into 17 years. 

37 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #265

Woke at 8:59 had another dream that I totally forgot, think It had my crush.

9:06 am a cup of sleep and Peppermint tea. The computer and I Pad went off during the night. Because I wasn't charging it so I put it on. Last night I put my mother's day gift in the living room. I was going to go back and change whereI put it but God said just leave it and his angels sang it. I'm happy that not only did my niece not get to it (which is what I was worried about). My mum didn't See It yet. I got the chance to give it to her myself. I am happy twice, number 1 I liked my gift. Number two so did she. I've been experimenting with lying down when I'm tired. I changed it from sleep when you're tired because I don't always sleep and I was beginning to see it as a failure. What this is helping is...me to listen to my body. And it's also an opportunity to dream, daydream being asked on a date. 

Him: You can take as long as I took to say this but would you want to have dinner with me.

Me: I dont even need a minute all I need is a second, the answer is yes. 

Him turning up to my house house with flowers is a recurring daydream I have. Also the sentence 'I'm sorry I ever made you feel that I dont feel the same way,' 

Tea check: still hot but drinkable.

I'm daydreaming life as a couple. I would be so so happy when I see him in person. Not in my dreams or daydream.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #264

Today I woke at 7:46 I had a dream...intermert dream about Someone I didnt want to.

11:50am a cup of sleep twinnings and peppermint tea in front of me. Last night I was bingeing 8 out 10 catsdoes contdown. 

I have to move a decision based on my gut and what my body is telling me. Because I'm feeling ill but have a party to go to tomorrow. should I still go. I dont want to disappoint besides I always enjoy myself. If I don't go I will miss out but like I said lm ill. I'm thinking when my relationship will start. To be honest l am thinking about when my crush/ future husband will ask me out to get the ball rolling.

21 minutes see you when I see you.

Morning Page #263

Woke up at 5:10 am then again at 10:10 am. My niece came to my room so I thought everyone was out. I brushed my teeth and made myself a cup of tea.

10:45 am a cup of innings (Revitilise) in front of me. I stood in front of the cupboard for a minute p. I didn't want to make a hot chocolate. I have so many teas, too many choices. I remembered very little of my dream. I had a baby. Meaning I was a mother. Slept to episodes of Family Guy on Disney+

I just want to be left alone. That's a sentence that has been running in my head for days. I am so scared about being in a place I don't want to be. I mean I've been through depression twice. I'm scared of driving down the road to depression city. I know that things are changing I know my survival mode is soon ending. I have a brilliant idea that I know will work. The thing is I don't want to be in a rush. I don't want to push myself out of my comfort zone like I have in the past. I want to enjoy what is to come, every step of it. Anyway, I did some research and I think the course is online which eases my mind a little. I did a customer service course in 2022. Which is why I'm reluctant for any retail-based course. All it gave me was anxiety and stress. I need to let it go. This is what God is trying to teach me. Nothing is a mistake. This course, I need to focus on the positives. Nothing I don't want or am not ready for will come to pass in Jesus' name.

45 minutes see you when I see you

Morning Page #262

Woke up at 8:26 am and went to the toilet. I was tossing and turning al all night because I was anxious about my appointment tomorrow. A quick shower then I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea.

9:36 am cup of twinnings quiet mind (vanilla, and rooibos) in front of me. Right now I am on TikTok, but I was binging Family Guy episodes on "Disney+. I also Slept to it.

I am very aware of the consequences of my actions. I mean I am turning 40 this year. I can't afford to put myself in a position I don't need to be in. I wish Universal Credit understood that searching for work as a 17/18-year-old is different from an almost 40-year-old. I really need to be left alone.  But I'm also juggling not being seen as lazy or not doing enough to look for work. I just need this to be removed.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #261

Woke at 840 ish and I needed the toilet. After that, I played a few levels on Cooking Diary and Treasure Party. Did today's Duolingo lesson. Today's Timehop and manifest app. 11:11 watch later list on YouTube. I was watching GMM's Gut check marathon. A cup of PG tips in front of me. I started bringing out some old merch. Today's is supernatural A lesson was learnt yesterday. 

'There is no going back fall Stop!'

God's exact words, so If you say yes when you wanted to say no. When you said no before. You picked back up a habit you broke. It's not a step back because it was always meant to happen. Imagine we didn't live in a world of www.coms. And we didn't share. Let's say you only saw your journey. For you to be mad you didn't know at 1 year old you would have to carry your tray to your next class. You can't be born and then be in year 2. You have to be a baby and go through 1 2 3 4 5 reception and then year one before get to 2, you can't skip it, you know it's not possible. If you walk Into a dark kitchen and you take more than a second to find the light. Then you beat yourself up about not finding it sooner. Yes, it's the kitchen, I think most kitchen lights are roughly in the same place. The fact is you didn't know where the light was before you knew it. Your life went walk, search for.. let's say 30 seconds, turn on light. It couldn't have gone walk in, turn or light because that's not your journey.

35 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #260

Woke at 5 something and then I didn't go back to sleep. Being on friendly credit the gas supply went off at 10. That was what was keeping me awake. So I spent my morning getting It back on.

11:30 am Haunting in Venice movie on Disney+ on the laptop, a cup of twinnings tea (can't  remember which one)  

Tea check: Drinkable.

Anxiety led to overthinking led to frustration. And Paranoia over my lack of lack of love life. The one who didn't know he was the one at the time. Broke my heart and now lives rent-free in my head. I thought, then l was shocked. How could I have been so wrong? It can only be a joke. Idiot how can you think..... (laugh). Just because... doesn't mean he liked you. The message is clear, then why do I still feel this way. What is the lesson I need to learn? 

I just now daydreamed a conversation of him asking what I daydreamed about when it comes to us. 

Me: All the things that couples do I say. From our first date to our kids 

:how many kids will we have?

Me: 6 twin girls another girl and three boys.

45 minutes, see you when I see you.