Morning Page 235 5 things you should about me (number 3) #inpatiences

Woke to a package of 2 multipacks of Walkers, which makes 4. God said surprises this month. I went to the kitchen. No plates in the sink. I was washing my cup but stopped because someone was in the bathroom. I don't want to be screamed at (because of the hot water you know) I don't even know if anyone is taking a shower in there. The first time went to the Kitchen It was 11:11.

11:32 am a cup of Peach tea in front of me. Diagnosis Murder on the laptop. I have s playlists but those videos will be removed by YouTube, soon in my experience. 

I don't think much about what I am going to write before I write it. I'm not even trying to pick things that a lot of people know about me. I let the universe decide. Which one will be number 3? 

I have been thinking a lot about this yesterday.

Tea check: Still hot

My patience hasn't been there since birth. Life beat it into me. In fact, the thing I realised last night was I am just as Impatient as the next person. I just do my impatientness inwardly. I go for an Interview and the receptionist says

'she's just finishing up she'll be about 5 minutes

I guarantee you l will still be sitting there 2 even 3 hours later.

Tea Check: drinkable

Oh, as soon as I sit down I'll think..

'Pretty sure she said 5 minutes,' 

'Did she say 5 minutes?'

'Maybe I should go over and remind her!'

'She has probably forgotten about me!'

And it's only been 5 seconds. In this case, I'm saying overthinking means Impatience. A question just jumped in my head.

'Does Impatience mean overthinking?'

I would say generally no, but patience leads to overthinking, I hate to wait. It allows my anxiety to fester.

All dreams are possible.

Survival mode is done 

I am ready for the next stage to begin.

37 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page 234 5 things you should about me (number 4) #Myprocess

I had 2 dreams that remembered some details about. 

Oh, I just remembered another.

it had Amanda and Dr Slone from Diagnosis Murder in it. yes, some dreams are because I watch too much TV.

10:10 am diagnosis murder on the laptop,  A cup of Peppermint and peach tea in front of me. Dangerous since I have an appointment with the Jobcentre in like an hour. There are no toilets in the Jobcentre which makes (at least public) zero sense.

Today is about my Process, It's inward. This is why despite the evidence against it, like other positive stories. I know therapy will not work for me. You may say...

'You won't know unless you try,'

but that's the mistake I have made in the past. I was listening to outward sources. fact is talking to people is difficult for me. it's like a chore. I'm more likely to say things (through guesses) that my therapist wants to hear.

Tea check: drinkable 

As you know from previous morning pages I have been a people pleaser. I have ignored my true feelings. How I process it is I have something I am worrying about, I went to the kitchen and now my happy mood Is low. I will sit in silence. I will meditate. I will realise I am overthinking again In 30 minutes my worry is less and I am back to happy. Outwardly would cause me to stay in it for longer. Now not only am I worrying about this thing I am worrying about. I'm also worrying about your feelings.

23 minutes, see you when I see you.

All dreams are possible.

It all works out for me in the end and I love it.

I am ready for a new chapter.

Morning Page 233 5 things you should about me (number 2) #Peoplepleaser

 Woke at 10:47 a.m. Then I went to the kitchen and washed the plates in the sink. I then put my clothes on to be washed (I'm running out of clean knickers) Lastly I made myself a cup of tea and went back to my room. I'm writing this after a quick shower.

11:58 am Spotify birthday mix on the laptop, I'm still celebrating. A cup of loose black tea leaf in front of me.

It is so refreshing to be me authentically and unapologetically. 

Which brings me to today's topic.

Hi, my name is Esther Oluwatobi and I'm a recovering people pleaser. Man, it feels good to say that out loud. I was always the last on my list if that.  I only this year realised I was living as a supporting character in my own life instead of the main one. If you have a friend who you hate who drains your energy every time you are in their presence (btw, why are they still your friend) Who calls you up after finding out you have a day off asking you to help him move out. And you say yes you might be a people pleaser. For me, it became more important to be perfect. I'd care too much what people thought of me. My everything was filtered by is it what others would like. Is it Christian but we'll come to that on another day). There will still be moments (I'm recovering remember) where I just give in. I think that's fine as long as those moments are few and far between. They will disappear from my life altogether.

All your dreams are possible, you just have to believe.

Next season is around the corner

Don't dim your light. Don't forget your power.

22 minutes, see you

Morning Page 232 5 things you should about me (number 1) #Sensitive

I've decided to write a morning page every day this week and post it. I think I have almost 20-morning pages unpublished at this point. I just now decided to make it things about me. Depending on how close we are you probably know this already.

Today is the fact that I'm an HSP or highly sensitive person for those not in the know. It's not about crying at the drop of a hat. Actually, I can't remember the last time I cried. When I do it's always because of another person. Imagine a sponge, like it, I soak up everything in my wake. This is why I can wake up so happy and go to the kitchen and within 20 minutes I'm sad. Not only does my mood change based on yours it changes based on weather. I am sensitive to what you say and the tone of what you say. It's deeper than your volume, it's every single placement of the words in your sentence. Don't even get me started on facial expressions. I encounter someone I see casually and ask

'Are you ok? How are you?'

And you say with a smile 

'I'm good thanks,'

I'll assume that is true. On the other hand, if you answer the same way and your smile is nowhere to be found or is fake in my eyes. I will assume you are lying. The thing is It can still be true but if your face is missing a smile it's not. Because of this, I'm now sad because I think you are. I'm thinking what is it?, How bad is it? Why would you lie?

It was 9:05 at the start of this I washed the plates in the sink and made a chai tea.

All your dreams are possible you just have to believe.

Next season is around the corner

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

29 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Page #231 The truth will out

I woke at 5: 38 am

Today I remembered that I had the dream. I don't remember what it was about. Woke to the diagnosis murder episode where the bride and groom kill the bride's father. It's one of the funny ones. Had a quick shower and went to the kitchen. 

06: 32am A cup of loose tea I have been doing tarot reading and a ta leaf reading for 6 days in a roll at this point. Diagnosis Murder episodes 5: 6 looks can kill on the laptop.

I woke up thinking about... I went down Overthinking Avenue and stopped at I am Wrong Drive. You know if you really wanted me you would have told me by now. I'm scared I'll be 80 and still single. You didn't even send me a birthday message but then neither did anyone else from 'Get a Life,' so. Now I am back on the road again. My car stalled until I remembered God saying to me.

'You will meet the man you are going to marry this year,' The year was 2006. I even remember the notebook I put it in a yellow fluffy one with an animal on it. I pass the things I don't know Aka the reason for the delay. The next road I come across is you contacting me. As I looked closer I saw seeing you again. Next Road said First Date Avenue. Then I smiled as I drove past all my daydreams coming true. And my mood officially changed when I passed our future life. First of all, if this was just a crush it would be over by now. At max, the second year, maybe the third. Lessons to be learnt could have happened from the memory alone. The reason to still be feeling this way There is only one reason to be still feeling this way I hold on to that. I know no one reads these but I am making myself vulnerable by posting this I'm a very private person. Honestly, I don't care I only need one person to read it. I'm feeling frustrated and confused about this situationship that isn't even that, not even close. The only conclusion is the truth. Whatever it is, soon.

All dreams are possible, full stop that's it

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

47 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #230 Have a thought post a video

 I think this is one of the ones I'll post. It is my birthday after all. Woke from a dream but now I can't remember what it was about. It was 10: 45 or thereabouts. I did my affirmations and a quick 'have a thought post a video'. Had a little shower and then washed the plates in the sink. 

11:11 am Birthday mix on Spotify a cup of tea in front of me. I decided to do a tea leaf reading this morning. So that's the tea I'm drinking.

Have a thought post a video is another way of living without a filter. Self-explanatory really, I have a thought, a realisation if you will. I learned the lesson I was meant to like a light bulb moment. 

Today was about survival mode. When you are living paycheck to paycheck. When you are on edge about the next thing to worry about. You are in survival mode. When I say 2023 has been a year of a changed mindset, I'm not kidding. Drastic change I've been focusing on what I want to see and do. I was unfamiliar with that practice until this year. I spend less time on the things I don't see in my future. Let me tell you this for nothing, I've been happier about it.

My realisation and I shouldn't have been surprised because the change has been 100% in my head (mindset) My environment is pretty much the same. My realisation is just that I thought to be out of survival mode I would need God psychically lifting me out because I can't just walk out. I can't just delete my account on universal credit. There are consequences to my actions. I was wrong and I realised that on my 39th birthday. It has always been about me. How can it not be this is my life 'face palm,' 

All dreams are possible, full stop that's it

Don't dim your light, Don't forget your power.

27 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page 229 #I didn't place anywhere on my list

 woke up at 9:09 am.

Val came to my room or was sent to my room it's not clear.

I used the toilet ( number 1) then I went to the kitchen. the sponge was missing so I used another one. FYI the sponge was hidden in the dishes. it's just one of those lessons about not being too hard on yourself. I would have told myself in the past I should have seen that. why didn't I check there? I'm also thinking why would someone put it there? I can't wash without it, a stupid place to put it. I know it wasn't ( probably) placed there it fell there.

9:40 a.m. a cup of orange tea in front of me. diagnosis murder on my laptop.

Mum just asked me if anyone came to talk to us in secondary school ( he was about to talk to kids at school in Nigeria) it's been 23 years, and guess what... of course, I don't remember. but I say yes because I know that's the answer she wants.

number one: I don't know why it's important I say yes to this it seems important to you.

number two: I don't see why I don't remember it wouldn't be. it's the only answer for an average person who hasn't been to or anywhere near school in 23 years.

number three: I know I don't know is an OK answer to a question. this is what I will up I realised this is how many of my conversations/ interactions go.

Tea check: drinkable.

I didn't place anywhere on my list. it was so important to make you happy, to say the to not say the wrong thing, I lost myself. I think the reason it went unnoticed by me and others was because when I lied it wasn't outrageous. like that above I just said I remembered when I didn't, said I agreed when I didn't. I am going to recognise these and try my best to lead with honesty no matter what.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

26 minutes,  (that's when my next appointment is) see you when I see you.