Morning page #223

 I work from a dream remembered. Went to the kitchen at 8:30 am and made myself a cup of tea. 

9: 16 am cup of mint raspberry and lemon tea in front of me. Family Guy season 8 is on my laptop. Might need to get a new one soon the E doesn't work properly.

Tea check: drinkable

It is very frustrating to be a different person inside but my environment is the same. I don't have the tools to explain where I am coming from. I wish more people understood that someone who is searching for work at age 25 and below is different from someone searching for work at age 30 and above. That 3 mini-course I did for them. The only thing it gave me is more reasons to overthink. I think that their success is different from mine. Theirs is getting a job everything else is just noise. My goal is improving and growing, number one happiness. The Job is a bonus. I can not keep going like this for a month let alone another five years. I just wish I could make people believe understand what I was saying always, that would be my preferred superpower. 

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #222

 I had a jampacked dream today, great dream, great sleep. I am tired and I'm thinking to myself I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to sleep. But alas I have an appointment at 10:30 am. Get ready to go at 10:03 and arrived in the area at 10:20. 

Not a good appointment from my point of view I am very stressed about it. I got home at 11:50, still, I decided to write this even though it's now

12:20 cup of sweet caramel in front of me. I am currently doing my affirmations. starting with motivation quotes.

Tea check: hot but drinkable

Survival mode I am ready for it to be done.

If you are going on benefit and work-based benefit especially. My advice is don't trust anyone. Your work coach is not your friend they are just trying to do their job and get paid. You're just a number to them. 

I'm feeling my brain with 'its temporary,' and God is working behind the scenes, but I don't want to be in this cycle of stress and worry I am on the edge of my seat with worry. Then it's fine like nothing happened. Then on to the next one. I just can't take another second of this. My work coach says I'm not doing enough, but I can not do anything that is more to please others than not. I've been put on a mandatory course and I'm beating myself up about going. I'm sick of this I want it gone.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

23 minutes see you when I see you. 

Morning page #221 My heart is made of glass

 I awoke then a few minutes later it turned 10:10 am. I stayed in bed for a few minutes posting Tiktok filter videos. hmmm, I guess I've been spending less and less time scrolling on my phone in the morning these days. Washed the plates in the sink and... I made my tea the other way water, milk tea bag because the Graze tea bag is in my room.

11: 41 am GMM season 23 on my laptop.

Tea check: drinkable

Whilst washing I was overthinking, as I do. I was thinking about the past when someone would ask me...

"Why don't you ever talk?"

I guess it was a rhetorical question, but then the person would look at me like 'Did you not understand the question?'. Which used to frustrate me so much. 

Anyway not the point

It lead to me thinking why I am so reluctant to talk not just about my problems. As we have established before I am 80% thinking 20% words. It's because I can't trust another to have my...to treat my heart with fragility (is that even a word) to handle my heart with kid gloves...uh my heart is glass...yea, you get it.

The reason I can't trust others to hold my heart with...fragility (I think that's the wrong word) is because they don't know it. Don't get me wrong there are many many people in my life who know my heart between 80% and 95% (maybe 99.9999%). The only one who knows my heart 100% is God (and my future husband)

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

45 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #220

 I woke up at 8:08, well was woken up by my niece. I went to the kitchen to wash the plates but was feeling faint so I slept for a few hours. 

Washed the plates at 10: 02 am.

11: 10 Good Mythical Morning season 23 (the current one) on my laptop. I felt like having a hot chocolate. I really wanted to write a morning page today because it's 23/23 and you know how I feel about that. 

I'm just trying to live my life today doing only what I want to do only. I'm leaning away from people-pleasing and anything that will cause me stress. I'm redistributing my focus away from the stuff that I won't see in the future, the things I'm not taking with me. I want happiness, I want laughter, I want adventure. I want new experiences. No people-pleasing doing something...anything because I am told to. No explaining my feelings. no, doing for another if I 80%+ don't want to.

I'm trying to write more without a filter not only just that but write what God tells me. I think I wrote it in a previous page. I saw a TikTok of a girl doing this. It was successful. I do it at the end most often, Love that for me.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make the walls stronger.

22 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Page #219

 Woke up at 9:25 am went to the kitchen washed the plates in the sink, and half made a graze tea, but there was no milk. So changed it to peppermint tea.

10: 24 am youtube on my laptop.

I'm thinking about the things or conversations I have in my head. I am 20% words and 80% thinking. So most of the conversations don't happen out loud. 

Course, saying no and having to explain why I'm saying no. But I can't say because I don't want to, that's not good enough. I'm in fighting mode whenever my work coach says

'Can you tell me why?'

I believe my work coach is always coming from a good place. The 'it has worked before', but my work coach is not taking into account my life journey. Whether I need it or not. It's like...It pisses me off when I hear people say 

'therapy is great everyone should try it,'

instead of

'Therapy worked for me it might work for me,'

I don't think people realise that there are two types of people in the world. The ones that need to talk to people to feel better. And the ones that talking to people makes things worse, Yes I am one of those people. 

This world currently (which I believe can change in the future) has a narrative that is one way to do something and any other way is wrong. That's why I hate the 'therapy for everyone' story. You run the risk of being the talking to people makes things worse person and thinking that you are wrong. 

Allow me to figure out what I need and don't need. Allow me to be ok when it deviates from the norm.

 

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

40 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #218

 I was able to lucid dream today. I think I had a breakthrough that will stay private.

Woke at 7...ish washed plates in the sink made some tea. Did my list of affirmations. 

10:31 am Gmm season 22 on my laptop, Moringa tea in front of me. I'm back on that. Man, I was in the mood to write a morning page now I forgot what I was going to write.

 

I dreamt last night that I was lost and kept turning into insects. That type of stuff is an opportunity to lucid dream, but I missed it. At one point I came to a house and my ball got stuck in their gate, like on it. I tried to take the other ball that was there but a boy told me to take mine from the window. Then we kicked a ball around, I was a boy and I hesitated to say my age when he asked. At the last minute, I realised and said 

'This is a dream,' 

I kept seeing a dead family member. I kept saying 

'Go away,'

When I woke God said

'They are trying to apologize, let them,'

'Ok,'

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

29 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #217

 I woke at 7:20 am and I felt like writing a morning page. Went to the kitchen and made some tea. Completed my affirmations list and did some random filters. filled in my sleep diary and now I am watching tarot on the iPad.

08:14 am a cup of Raspberry Lemon peppermint tea. I had a jam-packed dream last night. Which I of course have now forgotten. I know I was in a room full of people. 

What I am realising is...(stuck on how to phrase this) it's the opposite of beating yourself up. Give myself a break, I guess (but not really). The things that I do or the effort I put in. Because I'm always coming with A and it's frustrating because the thanks or response comes back with D. The person thinks they are matching your level because they didn't know all the things that make it an A. So they think they are matching your level. I need to give myself half a break I really do. To not stop myself from feeling. I've found that the opposite makes things worse. The narrative or the advice about manifesting your dreams (let's say get married and have kids) is to stop wanting, to care less about it. While I do think that is good advice. I need to be realistic about the reason that is not easy. Truth is I am desperate to get married. Not desperate in terms of anyone. I want the right person to ask me to marry them. I've been single most of my life. At 39 how can I not have given up yet. I will need your advice but when the doubts come I will not tell myself to not tell myself to not feel it. I am a human being with feelings.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger.

23 minutes, see you when I see you