Morning page #212

 11:21 am I washed the plate. Made a cup of tea or am making a cup of tea I should say. 

I am not in a rush anymore a good example is the way I make tea leaving it to brew for 5+ minutes in the past I would wait a second if that.

I am shifting my focus away from the people pleaser I have been in the past. If this is not more present for enjoyment for me I try my best not to do it. I'm still living in temporary right now so I have crumbs of things I have no choice with. But soon these will be swept away up. I'm looking forward to that day. The moment I decided to it was when I was feeling frustrated about giving and not getting the same level back. I decided to put myself first. I'm living in pure happiness. Except for the crumbs I mentioned before. I am in that right now feeling frustrated so I feel like my world is about to change. I feel it in my bones.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my dreams stronger. 

24 minutes see you when I see you

Morning page #211

 I woke (when I'm typing this it always changes it to up, woke up sometimes I listen, sometimes I egnore it. I said what I said I know it's a gramma thing but gramma is not the point. I write like how I speak) at 11:19 am (and this too, let it go grammarly. I could not write on grammarly {I could change that sentence, I'll resis} but I like having the right spelling of things)

Went to the toilet and then went to the kitchen. 

 11:46 am, Chai spice in front of me. It's ok, nothing is as good as Masala in my opinion. Was Family Guy, I slept to that. It's nothing at the moment because I was doing my affirmations and will continue after this.

The post came with some packages. For a second there I thought someone had sent me a gift, and then I remembered Tiktok. There are some good finds on there.

Tea check: drinkable

I brought two keyrings that say forever on them one with my initial and the other with my crushes. Well, not a crush anymore (10+ years) but let's just go with that word. I was thinking would I give him his or my initial? It just now came to me, mine duh, because it says forever. 

I am worried about my appointment on the 11th which is a phone appointment with Restart. Pointless, there I said it. Universal credit phone appointments are different because it's not as well it's instead od. Phone appointments at UC mean I don't have to go to the Jobcentre. Both still turn up at least 30 minutes late. At this point, you got to wonder if they are doing it on purpose. At least UC isn't a no-show without explanation. I need work-based benefits out of my life but I also need the safety net.

Today Esther doesn't see it changing unless God literary takes his hand and pulls me out. It's just more of the same.

Worry about the appointment, walk through anxiety, the appointment is fine, and do it all again. I'm hanging on to my future self who is saying temporary and everything you wanted.

All dreams are impossible before it becomes possible.

The doubts just make my walls stronger.

23 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #210 better, I believe it

 Woke up...9: 48 I'm going to say, my phone was off and my laptop and the iPad were charging, well the iPad was.

10:15 am, went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I mixed Twinings Rooibos and honey and Twinings Raspberry and Lemon (that's my favourite) and peppermint tea. I was thinking of Moringa, but the version I brought is not the best. I think I'll just go back to the old one. Family Guy on Disney+, Road to the north pole, (a favourite episode of mine). I love the ones where you see Stewie and Brian. Or the ones where they travel in time or the ones where they sing. So basically all most of them.

I am so tired, I mean mentally (through physically too)

Tea check: Still too hot.

After watching a future spouse letter tarot reading. The gist was 

'Baby, rest you deserve it,'

Yes, anxiety and fear, I'm not working to live I'm fighting. There is always something. If I'm not thinking 'Am I wrong?' I'm thinking 'What more can I be doing?', I am in survival mode. Was it a mistake to say no to that course because it didn't sit right with my spirit? Because It's not something I see myself needing in my future. Plus I've done too many to mention of these courses, I still remember them, also I haven't used them. I'm frustrated but I don't have a give-up nature (I don't think that's the right word, but hey) in me. I've also had this 

'I am destined for better,' chip imprinted in my brain since birth, It has never wavered. 

When it comes to love my non-existent love life. I know there's a change coming. It's gonna happen pretty fast. I'll see the person I saw the previous month and she'll say 

"I didn't even know you were seeing anyone,'

and I'll say "Yea, I'm married now actually,"

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts make my walls stronger

35 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #209 Less anxiety more clarity

 I remembered some dreams today. I put on my to-do list that I was going to write one today.

I managed to bake some cookies because I made cookie dough a few days ago. The time was before 12 so I thought why not.

11:45, a cup of chai spice tea in the new mug (it's pretty big ) I brought off TikTok. TikTok shopping has become a regular thing. I think I will have one in the future, I've just decided now (well last month). 

What will I sell you ask?

That's neither here nor there but I'm not positive I will sell sweets/ baked goods.

I had a positive appointment with restart yesterday. I really feel positive about where my life is going.

I'm focusing more on listening to what I need (I think I wrote this in the last one but, oh well) mind, body and soul.

Mind = feelings, boy feeling like I need to explain them is a big issue for me. I was under the impression that I had to get better at that. But no I just had to remove it.

Body = been sleeping a lot lately. I'm in hibernation at least it feels like that. If I was tired in the afternoon I would tell myself no not right now, I'm sure there are a million things I could be doing. Now I just sleep. I feel so much better after. Less anxiety more clarity.

Soul = This word always makes me smile. It's deeper than just feelings, it's cravings. When I want to turn it in another direction it always pulls me back to this. Needs wants my soul sees it all. I enjoy listening to it more than everything. That's where I see my authentic future self.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. All doubts just make my walls stronger. 27 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #208

 My mum brought packages to my room. I went to the toilet then I went to the kitchen. 

'Oh, it's only 9 something,'

I think I'll write a morning page. 

'Hmm, which tea should I make?'

I order a few the other day so the cupboard is full. Went back (forgot how to spell went for a second there I thought there was h) to my room did my affirmations. Day 21 so a new set of ones tomorrow. I saw 10:10 on the clock, so I smiled. Little things like that boost my mood. 

Right now the bad energy person is in our house. p*** the fuck o** in Jesus' name. You take and take but don't give the same. The only reason I have for not liking someone is the way they treat me or others. I am in a space of focus on happiness. Like I said before. I'm living in listening to I need mind and body. I don't ignore the signs of tired anymore I just sleep. I can not go back no matter what. 

Oops, I forgot to write the time...It was 10:15 am

All dreams are impossible before they become possible. 

The doubts just make my walls stronger.

30 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #207

 Literary just turned 11:11, I love that. I haven't been to sleep yet I have an appointment tomorrow with the restart scheme. I'm not looking forward to it. I was sad this morning then my mum brought my niece to my room now I am smiling. Think I am going to make a cup of tea.

Should I do it before and after?

Yea I think so.

Back, it's 11:24 am I made myself a peppermint tea. Currently watching family guy on Disney+. The cast interviews episode just finished so whatever season that was (there's probably been more than one)

I love days where I just let it happen it's not days that end in an appointment, I hate those.

I was uming and ahhing on whether I should write a morning page today. Then I decide I'll write one when my mum comes to get my niece. I just decide to write it and that's when I looked at the clock at 11:11. this practice has helped me to write without a filter. From brain to page. Turn the perfection down slowly. And letting go of the stress one by one.

Only one remains, it will be gone soon, I swear it. This year there will be a month (and others after that) I don't have an appointment with the Jobcentre on anything to do with in Jesus' name. 

Currently, things that change/ boost my mood

{1} Music

{2} Writing

{3} Family guy

{4} GMM and Rhett and Link in general.

{5} Daydream. dreaming of the future.

All dreams are impossible before they become possible 

The doubts just make my walls stronger.

34 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning page #206

 I've been sleeping the opposite way I usually do on my bed. So I slept well and remembered some dreams. Woke at 9 am

I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of... well PJ tips which of all the black tea I've tried is definitely on my least favourite list. It might even be number one. I am awainting an appointment at 12. The last time my phone didn't work properly and my work coach couldn't hear me. That will not happen this time in Jesus' name.

I think the reason things haven't happened for me yet is because my walls were like jelly, and I didn't know what I wanted. I've been in this benefit situation since 17 years old on and off. Back then when someone would say do this course, go here to get your CV looked at (even though I haven't worked in 5 years I don't see how it would need to change) I agreed 

number one because I didn't (and still don't) feel like I had a choice. 

Number two...well what I said before I didn't know what was right and what was wrong.

Now my walls are stronger. When you say this course, I can't afford to say yes if I don't see myself using it in 5 years. I am focused I'm putting myself first for the first time in 37 years. Striping the people pleaser in me does come with its negativities like guilt and doubt.

Because I know it comes from a good place. It comes from maybe 80% success. From this is how everyone else does it. This makes me question if I'm missing an opportunity maybe, I'm missing an opportunity. Maybe I meant to say yes and do the course. But the fact is I'm not 17 and have experienced the consequences of not listening to my gut. This means I can't afford to say yes when I mostly want to say no. Having someone take advantage of my generosity cemented that.

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness.

Everything else is a bonus.

41 minutes, see you when I see you.

PS: My appointment was rescheduled.