Morning page #205 All dreams are impossible before they become possible

 I woke at 8 something went back to sleep. Then woke again at 11 am. I wasn't going to write a morning page today. but the stars aligned. It was before 12 and I was awake.

90% of my days are manifesting, relaxed and no less worry. The other 10 are the bad days, the sad days. Where I get impatient. Where I think am I delusional and dumb for believing that it will all become a reality one day. When that happens I remind myself that there is a reason I'm feeling this way. It's not unreasonable to get a little frustrated. I'm reminded that's when this stage of my life began. I try to stop myself from feeling this way then I'm reminded that everything including feelings has its place. One day I will be sitting in my new house with my hubby and six kids. All dreams are impossible before they become possible. The doubts just make the walls around my dream stronger. 

humm, I like that I think I'll use that for the last line from now on (note to self)

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness. Everything else is a bonus.

18 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #204

 Second time I woke up feeling like I should be worried about something. I think that means I'm changing. It was 11:31 am I went to the kitchen after I got a...what would I call it?...pain reliever for when I'm on my period, let's see if it works. Washed the cup that I used last night. I was going to make some tea but decided against it because my mum is making food. 

Let's talk about throw-away comments. It's the things that are said...I can only describe it as something that should be said in your head. The type of things that you don't plan to say. It's like you have a conversation (you stab someone) and then you go back and twist the knife. That's the only way I can describe how it affects me. 

For example: when someone said something hasn't been washed since Sunday and then at the end, you kissed your teeth. Like me making your food and to my face you say

'This is amazing thank you,'

Then when I leave I hear this is not good, why would she give me this,'

I use to think I am going crazy. I've realised that...I think I've written this before...

Oops, it's...let's just say 10: 41am Family guy on my laptop. But I'm going to switch over to Youtube after this. New episode of GMM and GMmore will be out soon. 

...I tend to start with the 'blame myself'. It's because that's how I grew up. If I was the only person in the house and I woke 3/5 hours later to someone (who will remain unnamed because I love them so much) saying

'I was knocking,'

I would take that to heart and think, I am the worst person in the world for not opening the door. I mean even if I was a light sleeper it's not my responsibility. Really if we are placing blame it's yours forgetting your key, but let's not go down that road.

Um...kinda lost my train of thought. I have to go back and read so that I can finish my thought. I have to go back and reread so that I can finish y thought. I think this started me on a road to the habits I am trying to remove including the one above. Telling myself I'm just too sensitive being the second.

I'm manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness. Everything else is a bonus. 

41 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #203

 I woke at 11: something with an 'Ah man feeling,' Then I smiled because I realise I have nothing to worry about. Time of the month just finished. Restart/universal credit appointments happened days ago. Waking up warm and not feeling overwhelmed is something new.

I am forgetting my dreams about...him. I just remembered that I was with him. I like when I dream and forget who I dreamed about but I know I knew them.

Went to the kitchen washed my cup and made myself a cup of Moringa tea. Youtube watch later list on my laptop. I saw a waterloo road vid on TikTok and I went down a rabbit hole. Currently watching Taric tries to unalive himself. not that bothered about the new version. I haven't watched an episode.

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, happiness. Everything else is a bonus.

46 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning page #202 Evidence=success

 Woke at 8 am and went back to sleep. Woke again at 11 am. Went to the kitchen washed the plates, and put on some washing.

11:30 am, I am in the living room watching GMM season 16 on the big tv. Hard dough bread and a chai latte in front of me. 

Another day another appointment to worry about. I am so focused on only listening to my gut because not listening to it leads me down an anxious and overthinking and stress road. I know my work coach is coming from a good place of this evidence = success, it's the point of view of the world. 

I refuse to take any step back, no matter how small, so there will be no people-pleasing. I will not be doing anything that I am not 100 per cent happy to be doing. In my mind, I am questioning that. 

'Is it too unreasonable?' 

I'm really really focused on my happiness.

The second thing on my mind is missed opportunities and my lack of a love life. It's just so frustrating to be clueless about his feelings. What I need...yesterday is a resolution and some closure.

I am manifesting my dream life, marriage, kids, and happiness, everything else is a bonus.

32 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Your only human.

 I put a Morning page on my to-do list because God said I should. Not thinking I would get to but I actually ended up writing one today. 

I thought to myself I never gonna not believe you the first time around again.

God said 'No, you will and that's ok, because that's a human reaction, you are not wrong for not believing me first. Remember I already know how you will react before you react. You can never offend me, ever.

Morning page #201 Remember that.

 I woke at 7:58 and went to the toilet. I wasn't going to write a morning page today. I thought I wouldn't be able to because I fell asleep but I woke again at 10:30 am. I went to the kitchen and I was making tea then at the last minute, I decided to make hot chocolate.

10:53 am Family Guy on Disney+ I slept to it. I was watching some episodes on youtube ('cause I can't watch disney+ on iPad unless I download the app) but they got taken down, I'm guessing something to do with copyright. Though still some up there still.

Like I said in a tiktok I have been experienceing relaization after realizaton.

I have always found comfort in signs. That was what my first Instagram photo was, a picture of waterdrops in the shape of hearts. 

I have decided to just post them when they come to me. As soon as they come to me. This blog is and has always been for my future self. I think it's about time I remembered that.

Manifesting my dream life, Marriage, kids, happiness. Everything else is a bonus.

10 minutes, see you when I see you

Just now realised

 The affirmation I’ve been saying for the past 72 days now.

“I’m letting go of people’s judgement,”

Was also including myself in that statement🤯