Morning page #138 Free bleeding

 10: 59 am, a cup of dark chai tea in front of me, The Daily Show on my mac. 

I only watch this show on youtube nowadays. Not for any other reason but I just do. Pretty sure I could watch it on comedy central if I so, please. 

Warning: I will be talking about my period, so if that bothers you, skip this.

I've been thinking about free bleeding this cycle.

Free bleeding = when you don't use a...use anything to collect the blood. Like pads, tampons, cups...etc ( I feel like I missed one that's why I put...etc) 

I feel like whenever we talk about periods we think of it...the words we think of are dirty and disgusting, men and women. I am no exception. I hate it when people talk about their period when I am weeks away from starting mine. Because it makes me think of mine. 

My conclusion is I will probably try this. I watched a few videos on youtube and I wasn't disgusted. probably won't be the next period. Not even the next 3 or 5, but definitely soon.

PS: I am going to try to write a morning page every day this week. it's 2 days away from my birthday.

19 minutes, see you when I see you. 

Morning pages #137

 Woke 7:45 am. Need to drink more water.

I have two ways to know that.

One: look at my pee, if it’s dark, not enough, if it’s light (almost see-through) too much.

Two: if my lips are cracked.

The only way I have before I realise is to play it by ear, I ask myself have I drank water today?

Should I write a morning page at all?

Should I write one now or go back to sleep and write it when I wake? Assuming that I will wake before 12 pm.

Let life happen and all that.

I’ve decided to write it now at 7: 53am.

Should I make myself tea?

Did I wash my mug last night? I can’t remember.

08:03 am, I decided to make myself a cup

How would tell a mug from a cup just by sight?... I guess by size.

My restart shume…for goodness sack, I can’t spell it…scheme appointment in 7 hours. My niece is walking now.

I also have a UC appointment tomorrow. Which was rescheduled from the 11^th. I want to know why it needed to be.

I’m guessing the reason was my work coach could couldn’t come to work or something. Usually, when that happens another work coach will take it. No one was available maybe,

Stress and anxiety, I’m counting down the days till it’s out of my life.

10 minutes (quick one) see you when I see you.

 

Realised

 I just realised something right now while I was showering. In 2001 I was doing the Prince's Trust and my teacher asked us a dilemma

‘You have two seats on a boat and three people (including yourself obviously)…who would you give the seats to,’

My answer was the other two people. I don’t remember any details about the other two. If it was two people you know, but it wouldn’t have made a difference.

My teacher’s reaction to that was

‘Why,’

Up until this moment right now I thought he was saying

‘Why…why would you do that,’

Judgmentally and questioning

But I think he was saying

‘Why…what is your reason,’

I want to understand from your point of view.

My reaction to his question was a shrug of the shoulder

I didn’t remember what my teacher said after ‘why’ I assumed it was the first because I always put myself in someone else shoes. Not just to see and understand where you’re coming from but also I am that person. I had a lot of questions in my head back then, that began with the why. I was to focused on the judgement I didn’t want people to think I was judging them because that’s what I would think if the tables were turned.

 

Morning page #136

 Woke at 11am because of my alarm.

Random song in my head Craig David 7 days

‘6.o clock in the morning wipe the sleep from eyes.’

Because I did that, though it is not six

Should I even write a morning page?

Yes, why not its eleven after all

 

11:22 am, cup of dark chai tea in front of me. I woke to YouTube, the daily show to be exact. Now I am on the subscriptions list. ‘Perception,’ season 2 episode 9 now playing on Disney+. I do not really need to write Disney+. If you read recent morning pages you know that already. Plus, it is not important really. I wrote it because I need something to write. This episode got me thinking about punishment and the law. I vet always been black and white with that stuff. I am empathetic and recognise that there is sometimes a good enough reason, but sometimes it gets confused with an excuse.

I am starting to like this dark chai. Or maybe I am just trying to finish it. Is it I am or I am.? Which one is right in that sentence?

Was that line from 7 days, I am positive it is a Craig David song, or is it?

Its ‘rendervo,’ (how do you even spell that…rendezvous) yep that’s the one.

 

27 minutes, see you when I see. 

Morning pages #135 How I know it’s love

 06:44 am cup of dark chai tea in front of me, even though I'm not really a fan. I was trying to replace my usual black tea. I used to buy one a few years ago that worked, it was lovely.

Finished watching 'Lie to me,' on disney+ last night and I was looking for something to watch.

 

"Watch perception,"

 

I tried 'Burn notice,'. I mean I am familiar with the title but I haven't seen it up until now for some reason, not a fan.

Then I went to 'Criminal minds: beyond boards,'

 

'Watch 'Perception,'

 

Though I remember Gary Sinise from CSI: NY. It would usually be enough to keep watching. Along with believability and good acting. Those things go hand in hand.

 

I've seen 'Perception,' before, not when it was first aired, but years ago, like 2018 maybe.

These last few years have caused me to be honest with who I am, I'm funny, and I'm smart. I'm smart because I'm very curious and I know there's a lot I don't know. On paper, you might think I am smart because I read a lot. No, it's because I watch too much TV. That's how I masked the fact I was autistic for so long.

 

This morning page is titled

 

How I knew I was in love.

 

My honesty lead me to the realisation I've always known what I want. Or more accurately what I don't. When I left school with not great GCSEs. I knew I wanted to help people. I knew I didn't want to disappoint or make the wrong choice.

How I know I'm in love

 

It's been 10+ years which should be enough. Also, I never stopped day and night. I am thinking of him. I mean I don't know any more than the first year we met, fact is I want to.

 

53 minutes, see you when I see you.

I got distracted watching 'Perception,' I forgot how good this show is and how amazing of an actor Eric McCormack is.

Morning page #134

 Woke at 10:41 am and decided to write a morning page.

Should I make myself tea or just write it without?

I was tired, the heavy to move tired. Which leads to can’t be bothered. While in the kitchen I decided to change my usual tea and make myself a hot chocolate latte. No milk in the house though.

Google search: What to do when there is no more milk in the house.

The hot chocolate was finished so I used the container for my dreams jar.

11:17 am, Lie to me on Disney+. That hot chocolate latte is not terrible without milk. I was hungry so I made cut some fruit.

Craving some crunch, like crisps.

I’m trying to put a positive spin on my anxiety. This moment in the past was always full of worry. Like I said before everything that could go wrong would go wrong. A week before, now a day. It’s like a cycle my work coach will tell me what I am not doing. This time it was that I am not job searching enough or in the right way. I don’t disagree (apart from the right way bit) then I’d worry I would be…it seems weird, I guess…

(I don’t want to say stupid because I’m trying to eliminate that from my vocabulary)

Crazy (crazy might be a better word) to say this because I’m turning 38 in a few weeks…told off

My positive

I am one step closer to not having this in my life. Even though it’s been in my life a very very long time it will soon be over. I can only do what I can do nothing more nothing less. I have got to focus on the reason no matter what. I shall not, I will not overanalyze like I own a time machine.

Damn it I need to wee.

I decided to take my plate and cup into the kitchen and wash them. While there I saw my mum making food, I will enjoy that later. 

After this, I’m going to journal.

55 minutes, see you when I see you.

                                                                                                                                                            

Morning page #133 healing

 11:04 am go to the toilet. My morning routine consists of a cup of tea and then washing the plates in the sink.

Should I wash the plates before or after I write this?

11:28 am sink empty, just realised today is my wash day, teeth, hair, face, bath (though I do teeth and bath on other days too)

Should I now or after?

11:52 am I am back clean and refreshed.

Should I put lotion or just leave it?

Should I leave this morning’s page at that, rip it out and not post it because it’s nearly 12?

12:09 pm a cup of peppermint tea in front of me. I usually don’t write one after 12 but I’m making an exception because I had a busy…well hour really.

I had a love song in my head, and I was going to write guess why. Now that song has gone from my head.

Today’s morning page is titled

how I healed

number one for me is acceptance. I may not have written this on these pages (I think I did but I won’t be checking) I am an everything happens for a reason girl at heart. Even when I don’t know the reason just knowing there is one is enough. There are so many things that I know were put there for my survival. Things that didn’t let me subcome to the sadness let the sadness keep me down Music, tv, random songs in my head. At first, I was doing it because it was fun. I believe God showed them to me as signs. Anyway, acceptance…I right now am going through a spiritual awakening. Started in 2019 when I decided to feel my feels and not tell myself to I don’t feel what I clearly do because if the evidence doesn’t fit. I think I’m, not the only one but if there’s a room of 9 other people who all think the same way it takes a lot of courage to say

‘uh..actually…,’

And I think most of us will sit down and fall into line. The fact is those 9 people thinking differently don’t change what you feel. Feel my feels, guess what it started with.

Mt acceptance of the feelings I have for the guy I've known for nearly 20 years, still there, still stronger.

23 minutes, see you when I see you.