Morning Pages #108

9:49am a cup of hot water and a bowl of rice in front of me (because I’m hungry). Someone made us some rice and chicken the other day. Ah, the perks of being a Bishops daughter. 

I’m a celebrity season 20 started on Sunday. I always wait a few days before watching because of my anxiety. I not going to say why because I don’t want to explain myself and I’ve learnt I don’t have to that anymore. Accepting my high sensitivity was a turning point for me. In the past, I would have just kept that to myself. I hesitated a bit before writing it. It’s the fear of being judged. I am just now realising that I am that way because I have experienced it in my life. Try to be honest and they react like ‘Why though,’ say I don’t know, and they think you’re lying. Can’t blame them because it’s ‘gut reaction,’ and most people don’t have a filter. I used to expect the people around me to behave the way I would and when they didn’t, I couldn’t understand it. I thought I was the problem now I know we are both in the right. It’s our brains are wired differently.

28 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #107 Imagine its now.

 

7:27 AM a Cup of tea pigs clean n green, national lampoon's vacation Netflix. I've been binge-watching diagnosis murder episodes (I mean seasons) for the past few weeks.

It's been…(I'm going to guess at least a month) since the last entry. I was motivated to write one today because yesterday I was doing some spring cleaning. I came across the diary I wrote when I was in hospital eight years ago in March. It was a turning point for me as you can imagine. 2020 has been a year of answered questions for me. I did a lot of souls searching, a ton of writing. I see what I wrote in a different light. Whilst in hospital I figured out what I needed.

a few days ago I came across a YouTube advert talking about thinking about your dream/ future life being your present. It makes sense doesn't it, something to think about.

26 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #106 Happy Birthday

 9: 57 am, 8 out of 10 cats on my mac. A cup of tea in front of me, Apple in my hand. I’ve started to peel the skin of my apple’s. As a woman with dentures, it just makes it easier.

Today is my 36th birthday. I told my mum I didn’t want a party this year and I meant it. The reason is not important to you but it’s 100% important to me and that’s all that matters.

Although it’s the main reason it’s not the only reason. I am who I am, I need to be able to do what I want on my birthday and not put on a smile. It doesn’t mean I’m sad, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means I’m more comfortable when I’m on my own. I’m learning that’s ok because we all need what we need. I am vocalising what I want and need for the first time and it’s not easy. It’s not something I grew up with, It’s a little out of character. Even for my mother

“You what…are you ok?” (she didn’t say that but, I could see it in her eyes)

Here’s the thing, if I’m going to be alive on this earth for the next 66 years potentially. I need to be able to live the best way I need to be happy. Which means some alone time more than I need to be around people. I’m shy and I’m quiet, of course, it’s what I need. And that’s ok.

22 minutes, see you when I see you

Morning Pages #105

10:44 AM, 8 out of 10 cats on my Mac. It came back for it's 20th season yesterday so I have one new episode to watch.

Should I make myself a Cup of tea (knowing full well I'm only doing it to write it in here)

Ah...no, I'm going to make breakfast for myself in a few minutes.

I made a TikTok account the other day, I'm obsessed. It's made me want to be creative.

My book is still less than 10,000 words. If I was a betting woman, I would say not going to complete it this year. That's okay I'll change my goal to 10,000 words by the end of the year. Everything else is a bonus.

My birthday is coming up soon,  I've decided what I need is nothing. I need the day to be about me and not about people/a person who needs to be the centre of attention like they need to breathe. Nowadays I'm starting to care less about what people think of me (not at all, I'm still me). So I will be telling people not to come over, that would be my gift to myself.

33 minutes, see you when I see you.  

Morning pages #104

8:48 am cup of tea in front of me. Watching YouTube watch list (Carrie Hope Fletcher and Oliver Ormson Boob back rub…?)

The thing I want people to know about me is I will never do anything without thinking about it first (and again, and one more time for good measure). So whatever I do and say is for a reason no matter what. It really, really bothers me when people look at me like

‘You know there is another (simpler) way you can do that,’

Yes, I do, but this way works for me.

I am a sensitive person; I’ve known this since I was six. I’m just sick of apologizing for it. I’m the type of person who whatever is said to me or done to me hits my heart, the good and the bad. In the past I have thought of that as well as being awkward, even being shy and quiet were negative traits. What I now know is these are things that that are part of me just like the colour of my skin. There have been moments in my life that have made living it easier. Like when I found out that going through depression was a shared experience or when I found out what depression was. The day I found out I wasn’t alone also the same time I got a better understanding of shyness and confidence. Because up to that point I had only my experience with shyness, which is all day every day. I never knew that some people are shy or lack confidence in a certain situation and confident in others. In a way, I  feel like my shyness was the worst because at least if you lack confidence when you’re addressing a group of people verse just hanging out you can avoid those situations. Not forever because it’s always good to leave your comfort zone. I recently had a revelation that has also made me live my life better. I had a deep conversation (that person knows who they are) the gist of it was here are my experiences and therefore here’s how I think you should handle it. It’s been a few days and I’ve had a revelation about the situation. That it’s different people same situation, it’s not necessarily going to be the same reaction. I need to respect that and I hope that given time not that they will see my side but that you respect the reason behind my actions even if you disagree. I, in turn, will from this moment stop putting everyone else's feelings above my own.

 1 hour 14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #103

10:48 AM, Cup of tea and eight out 10 cats does countdown on my Mac. I haven't watched that show in months, just decided to binge-watch it from the beginning.

I'm going through a confusing, unsure period in my life. If you know me (or at least read these pages) you know I'm an overthinker so I never do things without thinking about it first. 

I'm unsure because when I have to have my first appointment at the jobcentre after coronavirus calms down. I know I need to be brutal about what I need and what I don't. I need to be honest about all the courses I'm put on (some of them are mandatory) there are decisions that I have made that to the outside world seemed like making my situation worse. They don't see the rest of it all they're seeing is a quarter of it. to be honest it's been a weight lifted off my shoulder (literally I'm standing up straighter) What I thought I needed in the past is different from what I need today. I thought I needed to take every confidence-building class going but I need to accept who I am. I thought I needed to make everyone happy to keep the peace but I need to make myself happy first even if it means no peace. I was reminded a couple of days ago that I was doing the right thing when they said ‘the most important person is you,’ so true.

29 minutes, see you when I see you       

Morning Pages #102

9:40 am youtube on my phone.

I made a smoothie this morning Rasberry, banana, kiwi, melon, blueberries. I went back and forth about putting apple and orange in it (I thought it might be too much) I'm glad I did.

I'm writing this on my mac (not my laptop because I mistakenly switched off the charger last night). I think I like typing it up first.

I had another dream about my crush. I think all in all I'm grateful for my feelings because it taught me what love is. Maybe in 10 years, nothing will have changed. and I know what you're saying out there

"girl you need to move on,"

"Easier said than done, mate."

Current mood: Happy

14 minutes, see you when I see you.