Morning Pages #1

I was recently introduced to Morning Pages by someone I admire (Shout out to Carrie Hope Fletcher)

For those of you not in the know (like I wasn’t), Morning Pages is when you wake up, make yourself a hot drink, sit down with a notepad and pen (or you could use your computer) and just write whatever is in your head, and I love that.

In her blog, Carrie mentions 30 – 40 minutes but I think I’m going to change it to an hour, or however long it takes me to finish my cup of tea.

Just looked at my tea, I’m using my family Guy mug (love that show) put my hand on the side, it’s still too hot.

And a pause while I gather my thoughts.

Just looked over at the timer 52:12 that means, quick do maths…almost 7 minutes have passed. Lately, I’ve been having problems with my eyes, they itch.  A lot and have excess sleep no matter what I do, I will clean them, put water on them but there is still sleep on the corner of my eye.

Sleep = the gunk in the corner of your eyes when you wake up hence the word sleep. I don’t know if people know that, that’s what I called it when I was growing up. When I was in primary school. One day on the playground another girl told another girl she had sleep in her eye and that’s how I knew what it was called. Just had a flashback to old school memory. I was in primary school obviously because I was just thinking about it.  We had this teacher who only worked in the playground, Lorraine. There was a day when she was putting kids on her knees and singing

‘Roll, roll, roll your boat,’

Don’t ask.

I think one kid did it and everyone else just queued up (Yea you heard me right) I think this is the one time in my life where I can honestly say the stereotype of the British loving to queue was correct, because I didn’t know what it was about first, I just queued everyone else was. Anyway, whilst I was in the queue my shyness and my awkwardness.

I love calling myself awkward because it describes me to a T, but I’d always thought of that word as a negative like I did the word shy…anyway, I digress.

All these questions going through my head will I have to ask (that was my biggest hurdle when I was a kid and a little bit now, having to speak) her for a turn or will it be obvious that I want a turn based on the fact that I’m in the queue.

Finished my tea and it’s 30: 25 on the timer, I think I will continue because I haven’t finished my thought.

When it got to me, I stood in silence, she looked at me like

‘Speak, tell me what you want,’

But then we had a non-verbal conversation and she sat me on her knee. Afterwards, I wondered what to do next, where do I go? Can I get away with queuing up again, I decided against that.

If I met that teacher again, I would say firstly that you were my favourite teacher. Also, I want to ask her what was going through her head (I’d want to ask everyone that I’ve ever had a non-verbal conversation with because it wasn’t the first and it certainly wasn’t the last) what they thought of me.

‘She is so weird?

‘Did she say something, and I missed it,’

‘Am I just supposed to guess what you want?’

That’s it, I loved doing this, I’m going to (I mean I’m going to try and continue it) we’ll see what happens tomorrow.

It’s been less than an hour, but I think I’m going to cut it there 22: 12 Maths, maths, maths. I mean I could just use the calculator on my phone, in fact, that’s what I’m going to do…38 minutes, not bad. I guess in the end I did use the 30-40 minutes guidelines.

London eye

I went to an interview at the London Eye today. For me, the problem is not getting job opportunities and job offers. The problem is decided which job interviews to go to, which one is worth it. For example, if the job is 2 hours away, I’m not going to want to bother, making that journey every day, no thank you. I have been to so many interviews now and the reason for not getting it is always                       

‘There were other candidates that were better qualified,’

Then why did you call me, If I’m not one of your top 5, if you are not at least 75 per cent sure you’re going to give me the job don’t call me because you’re wasting my time as well as yours.  And I know what you’re going to say 

‘Esther maybe they need to see you to make up their mind up, maybe they were 45 per cent and then when they saw you, they bumped it up to an 85 per cent (which has never happened)’

It’s not worth it, to be honest with you If I was still the type of person to focus on what if’s, I would probably go to every single job interview I was offered and that wouldn’t be beneficial for me. Because like I said I can’t be travelling 3 hours to and from work every weekday.

Anyway, I digress…I decided to go to this interview because…well, it’s the London Eye, and because the email said to bring along an item that best describes you, I thought that was interested.

 It was an assessment that was going to take place 1pm to 4pm, which I was iffy about, but I decided to go anyway. When I got there they had already started, I was minutes late (But late all the same) There was another girl, who was also late, as we were walking to the room the girl broke down. She said she had just been turned down for a job a few hours ago and she had had enough. Told us she goes to interview after interview and these company that turn her down always say you don’t have the right qualifications, and she just doesn’t know what they are looking for.  I felt for her because I think anyone who has had to job search for a period of time can relate. I wanted to say something to her, I ended up saying

‘You’ve got to keep going,’

Which I honestly think I just made worse. We weren’t able to take part in the assessment, our names were taking and the women said she would let the manager know we came. I can never be upset about being turned down for a job because my outlook has changed.  Instead of thinking what did I do wrong (today aside) I leave thinking

‘You’re loss,’

Ten months later.

I just looked at the last blog post...30 November 2017, that's almost ten months ago. A lot has happened since then. I stayed in my house for new years in 2018, brought in the new year by watching the countdown on ITV. I started the year with an interview at Chilango, a Mexican restaurant in Chancery Lane. Then the same week I had an interview with PretaManager, which I didn't get. I managed to get an interview with Empire cinemas, the first cinema interview I have gotten after years of applying for jobs in cinemas, I didn't get that job either, not gonna lie I was very disappointed. My Universal credit advisor offered me an appointment with a company called Pure insights. Pure is an Employment service that helps with any problems that may be stopping you from getting work, confidence, Anxiety, Limited work skills...etc, etc. I was determined to get a job this year, on my third week on Pure the 14th of May, I went for an interview with the Courthouse Hotel, I got the job, it was for a room attendant. I had trouble with the beds so I was moved to the Public Area. It was better but I soon began to feel what I was feeling with my last job. So on the 23rd of May, I left that job too. I was emailed by a lady who was looking for people to write for her online website, I 've written two articles for her so far one about staying positive and a poem about inspiration. Writing for that online website inspired me to start writing a book. I have a plan, I know exactly where my career path is heading. I'm going to be a writer, I'm 19,000 words away from completing my first novel having written 31,000 words already.  Today I am currently unemployed, doing a 4-week retail course with Go Train. It's been an experience so far (I still have 2 weeks to go). I've learnt a lot and gained some confidence.   
Also so far I watched Black Panther, Edie, Whitney and Tag in the cinemas this year. I binged watched Dexter and Breaking Bad. Caught up on Orange is the New Black, Killjoys, Luther and Shades of Blue. 
The future is bright and I can't wait for it to start.               

ESTHEROLOGY 2018

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology".


***********FOODOLOGY***************

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Mayonnaise or salad cream


What is your favourite sit-down restaurant?
Harvester

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Chips (but not wedges, it has to be a specific size)

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepperoni and Pineapple 

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter and Strawberry Jam

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

How many televisions are in your house?

One

What color cell phone do you have?
White

***************BIOLOGY******************

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right-Handed

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
When I was in school I had a earing stuck in my left ear (yea I think that counts)

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My Bed

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, because then my whole life would be focused on that day.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Nothing when I was younger I didn't like my name. I wanted to change it to something like Shanique 
or something.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

************DUMBOLOGY******************

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
One

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Never

Last person you talked to?
Mum

The last person, you hugged?
Sister


**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

Season?
Summer

Holiday?
Christmas

Day of the week?
Saturday

Month?
August

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

Missing someone?
Just friends I haven't seen in a while and family in Nigeria

Mood?
Relaxed

What are you listening to?
Nothing

Watching?
Shades of Blue with Jennifer Lopez

**************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

First place you went this morning?
The Bathroom

What's the last movie you saw?
WHITNEY

Do you smile often?
Yes

Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Yes


***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1)Do you always answer your phone?
When I hear it yes

2) Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Some kind of notification.

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Blue i guess


4) What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I think I know what that is now but I'm not familiar with the flavours.

5)Do you own a digital camera?
Nope

6)Have ever had a pet fish?
No

7) Favorite Christmas song(s)
Last chrismas : Wham (hands down)

8) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
That everyone around me has a good time. 

9) Can you do push ups?
Yes although I haven't done them in a while. 

10) Can you do a chin up?
Dunno

11) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
More excited

12) Do you have any saved texts?
 yes!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
No but I nearly fell out of one once (I was sitting on mt Granma's lap)

14) Do you have an accent?
I don't think so


15) What is the last song to make you cry?
 Not sure.

16) Plans tonight?
Sleep

17)Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
yea, it's happened twice in my life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say

18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
I put money on my Oyster that was it.

19) Have you ever been given roses?
I wish.

20) Current worry?
My Love Life because it is non-existent.

21) Current hate right now?
none

22) Met someone who changed your life?
Yes, a lot of people.

23) How will you bring in the New Year?
With family.

24) What song represents you?
Christina Aguilera the voice within

25) Name three people who might complete this?
dunno

26) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Depends if I could go back as I am now then yes. But if I went back as I was back then forget it

27) Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Nope.

28) Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Just ears pierced.

29) Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now?
Not counting on it.

30) Does anyone love you?
I hope so! ;)

31) Would you be a pirate?
er.........No

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatever is in my head.

33) Ever had someone sing to you?
No.

34) When did you last cry?
At my brothers 40th birthday celebration

36) Do you like to cuddle?
yea.

37)Have you held hands with anyone today?
Nope.

38) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Myself.

39)What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
pop mainly, top 40 stuff, and a little bit of 60's.

40) Do you believe in staying close with your ex's/prospects?
No.

41) Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
I'd say new.

42)Do you like pulpy orange juice?
Yes.

43)What is something your friends make fun of you for?
My friends don't make fun of me, other people make fun of the volume (or lack of) in my voice.

Growth.

I feel like I say this a lot, and I will continue to say it till the end of time, I am a very lucky person.

I could sit here and list things that make that true, a quarter of them being before I hit puberty.

One of those reasons being, I was born into a loving family, both parents. Insecurities were just that IN me, they were never about another person. Which I knew deep down were not true, which is part of why I’m still here today. It’s like my insecurities were a brick wall. And I could see the other side I just couldn’t get to it because of this brick wall. And since I’m not superhuman/ a superhero and don’t have don’t have super powers (unfortunately). I’ve been working on gaining the tools to break down that wall for years.

I’ve grown so much, I mean I’m 33 so that’s a given. One great example of this being…

I recently quit my job, I mean today will make it nearly 2 months that I told my boss I had to leave for ‘personal reasons’. I didn’t tell him anything more than that. Even when he tried to pull it out of me by saying

“Is it the distance?” …etc etc.

I wasn’t budging, I needed to leave that place in a positive cloud. Maybe one day we will meet again, and I will tell him the truth, or he’ll come across this somehow. I’d say to him…here’s the thing, I hated that place. I hated going to work and I was counting the hours till I went home when I was there. I couldn’t pin point one reason because it was a bunch of stuff that just built up.

From the first day, I was not feeling it, for want of a better phrase. When I decided I needed to leave I went back and forth, the pros and cons.

What will I do next? I'm very unhappy here. Should I, can I leave this place without another job to fall back on. If I stay I know what this MIGHT lead to…depression, I recognise the signs. It can only get better, right. This MIGHT lead to something down the line. I emphasize the might in both those sentences.

Then in the second week I had a conversation with one of my colleagues. He asked me how I was finding it.

‘It’s fine’…I lied

He wouldn’t let it go, possibly because he could tell I wasn’t being truthful. So, I said

“It’s too much for one person to do.”

And then he said

“It’s not too much.’

I felt like slapping him. Like…mate, we are two different people. What you can do does not amount to what I can do, for better or for worse. Do you know why I can tell you it’s too much for one person to do, because I’m doing it.

You may say

“Esther why didn’t you just tell them you weren’t happy.”

I didn’t care enough, to be honest. I thought about it, knowing full well that my boss will probably talk to my colleagues. And in turn would probably make my job harder. I decided it just wasn’t worth it. If I loved it there, if I liked any part of this job I would have said something.

“But what was it specifically.”

You may say

I just didn’t feel welcome. I was working alone in the kitchen most of the time, barked orders. I was told to be quicker. Granted I was also told that in my last job. The difference being at Millie’s it was a team environment. Even though I worked in the kitchen, I still had colleagues saying.

‘Do you need any help, let me know if you do.’

Most of the time there was two people working in the kitchen, and I didn’t have half as much to do at Millie’s than I did at this last job.  

Then I looked to my future and I didn’t want to be working here in 5 year’s time, I didn’t want to be working here the next day.

So, I texted my boss (a text…really?) I waited for the response. And once he had accepted it, and said OK. I…rejoiced, let me tell you. I felt so happy, and proud of myself, that I had the courage to go through with it. Do you think I would be able to do that a year ago…nope. I would have just stayed, and I would probably still be there till this day, telling myself…

“Just do better.”

I don’t know what my next job will be. What I do know is I need to make decisions with my 5 year’s time self in mind. My 5 year plan has been the same since I was 18, get married, have kids. Everything else is a bonus.

Why can't people hear me when I talk.

When  I was younger I was very shy, not only that I was quiet too.
I don't just mean, didn't talk much (I mean that too).
Looking back it felt like no one heard me when I spoke.
Adults were constantly telling me to speak up.
As I grew up the volume in my voice didn't get better.
People stopped saying speak up and started saying

'Pardon'  and
'What did you say?'

When you hear it once or twice its fine, but when you hear it for the 100th time it starts to chip at your confidence.
Then I started thinking what's the point of talking if no one is going to hear me.
I went through what I went though and now that I've gain my confidence and am constantly adding to it.
Now I don't really get people saying speak up at all.
I don't get people saying pardon or what did you say? (Maybe once in a while).
I just get the move forward with a hand to their ear.
Which is so, so anoying it makes me want to scream.
Instead I just do it inside and don't let it get to me.
The same way I don't let the little things that lead to my depresion lead to it again.

Why I left my job.

Here’s the low down

As you know by now I got the Job, working at Millie’s Cookies in Stratford.
I never thought it could happened, I was determined and It was going to be my goal for the new year. The stuff I thought I'd struggle with the most is the thing I enjoy most. The interacting with people part, the working on the till part, I love meeting people.
For a while everything was going swimmingly. Then people started saying…

‘You need to be quicker Esther,”

Was this a mistake, what’s the point If I can’t even keep up.

I was feeling bad for other people having to do my work as well as their own. They were nice about, they never got mad or shouted (at least that I saw.) For that reason, I stuck with it, I loved the job so much and the people I worked with.

It was month 6 that I finally began to find my stride. I was doing mainly morning shifts and had found a routine.  I was doing great, I was even getting good at completing everything (Well most of it) I needed to do before the next person came in for their shift.

On the 8^th month we were told there was to be a meeting. Apparently, Millie’s Cookies Stratford was closing, this meant I had to say goodbye to my job. I was nervous and worried, but I was reassured by my boss who said there’s a job going at Paddington station. I was excited, until I realised that there weren’t a Millie’s cookies in Paddington. Then I was back to anxious and worried.

I went to meet the manager who also managed a few other kiosks in Paddington. At this point it wasn’t clear where I was going to work. I thought maybe the Pastry shop because that was where I was told to meet him.

So, we sat down and had a chat. He asked about my Job history, why I hadn’t worked before, the usual. He told me where I was going to work (Delice De France btw). To be honest I had to look it up because I had never heard of it before. Mainly they do panni’s, baguettes and Pastries. Sort of like a posh Greggs (I mean a smaller Greggs) Anyway he seemed nice (He is nice).

I started on the 4^th September. I was told ‘we’ had to make 25 Panni’s x 5. I thought that’s doable with 2 people. Then that girl left and that’s how I worked, in the kitchen alone for the rest of my time there, making up to 100 Panni’s. I soon would realise that I had to make 16 breakfast croissants, not to mention a maximum of 20 breakfast rolls. That first day I wanted to leave. I stayed because it was the first day. I thought it can only get better, it didn’t, I still felt the same way I did on the first day a week later. I would have left that week but then I saw my pay check and I was like…Esther be strong. The next week I texted my boss that I had to leave DDF asap, stating personal reason’s as my why? This was the truth, it wasn’t a lie. To be quite honest with you I hated it there, from start to finish. I was miserable, I dreaded going to work, watching the clock when I was there, all of this in a few weeks. I knew I needed to leave before it started messing with my mental health.

So that’s where I am, unemployed looking for work (not in retail, God not in retail). Because I didn’t want to spend a second wasting it somewhere I wasn’t happy.