10:10 a.m. YouTube in front of me finish my tea before I started writing, currently watching Sambuca's latest I Tested the Limits of Restaurants video. I had a breakthrough yesterday, I need to listen to myself I can't continue to ignore my feelings over another's truth reason. I know what I know because I see it through my eyes I can no longer give people the benefit of the doubt and ignore what I feel. I've been telling myself for years
they didn't mean it.
they are just busy.
The fact that 90% of your interactions is positive means they didn't mean it. They didn't mean to upset me and the fact that you took it that way is your fault. I'm telling myself since ever that I just need to push myself to be better. I thought that it was all my fault that my struggle to talk to people is the only problem. it's like when I go for interviews and all I can do is my part. I've been on so many. I've done so many mock interviews. I know what to do, I know what not to do, I know how to dress. Ultimately that means nothing because it's not up to me if I get the job or not. it will be something that I have no clue about. I cannot allow myself to obsess like I did in my past over what more can I do, what did I do wrong.
What I am up to now is this.
It's 11 20 a.m. I'm currently watching Hart to Hart on YouTube love that show. I've been switching between that and diagnosis murder. I haven't watched murder she wrote in weeks (possibly a week) there must be a new episode added. Also found some episodes of TJ hooker. I am doing my energy tracker, reset tracker and morning routine set by chat GPT. enjoying the meal replacement shakes from nupo. Definitely going to buy it again. I spoke to someone from the job center about the course, it was a hospitality course. She told me what it involved, that at the end it would be a job in a hotel and because it's not what I want I decided not to go for it. I can no longer do something that might get me a job to do something just to be seen doing something in the eyes of the job center. I can no longer be the person you expect me to be. I can no longer push myself in two ways. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. Pushing myself to be the world's Esther, working 40+ a week pushing myself to where I don't sleep, ignoring my mental health for what, to just about afford what I need to be active socially. Ignoring that I prefer to spend time alone and I'm happy about it. Or I can work on myself putting my mental health and feelings at the front of my mind. Pushing myself to the level I can achieve and no more working on becoming my true authentic self. Which is me without a filter happy and strong and thriving. I can no longer do both of these. One has to be gone so I'm letting go of the first
1 hour 20 minutes see you when I see you.
