Morning Page #293

Right now it's 23:01 in the evening...yea

Today a year ago I asked God to remove the things causing me pain. When I realised not gonna lie I was a bit disappointed and sad. Beyim exactly where I was a year ago. Then I caught myself I actually am far away from where I was a year ago. I may not be out yet but I can be positive about the fact I am closer. Also I hate that God had to remind me that he sees the bigger picture. He is all the steps ahead. 

Today I had a duck wrap and chicken boritio, chicken boritio is dry so I put some b+q sauce and on the duck wrap just because, both from pret. I made myself a cup of tea from loose leaf (which is low) and did a tea leaf reading. I was trying to decide what to watch, I put on murder she wrote. An then decided to watch something in Disney+. I clicked on American dad. I was binge watching that up until a few hours ago.

I'm pausing this to dry my clothes in the washing machine.

23:23

00:03 back after drying my clothes, making myself a plate of leftover rice and stew. Also my mum came back from church. 

I can't help but notice... sometimes it needs to be slapped in my face, so obvious...I don't know...I was thinking of a phrase but I forgot it. Everything I am was because I was forced to become that.

Patience because I cared too much what people thought of me.

I have a never give up attitude because it is (still is) very difficult for me to talk to people, to ask questions for fear of being wrong. The one that started me down this thought. 

I don't complain because I didn't feel like I could speak up about what I needed (which btw also made me independent)

I know for fact I couldn't have been who I am (also known as the person God knew from before birth) in fact it's the world that has beaten that out of me. It started when I was in school and was told speak up like I was doing it on purpose. 

Anyway I diagress 

...now if I had to talk to be I know I would have to find vadication in people. I can't rely on others to tell me who I am. That's apparent when the people from my past considered me shy...They we're wrong. I'm quiet no doubt. How do I know I'm funny because I talk to myself. I am the most important one in this situation. 

59 minutes I see you when I see you

Morning Page #292 Actions speak louder than words.

8:07 am, I woke at 7 something, might be close to 50. I poped in some throat sweets,

ah 08:08

I feel that was a mistake, weird that my mouth doesnt feel weird affer the two throat sweets (Lockets btw) I had it last night. Maybe because I had tea too.

yes that must be it. I went to the kitchen made myself a cup of of tea, cup of sweet dreams tea in front of me Spotify Playlist love story on. I recentntly as in yesterday found myself on my playlists. I am making my way through to see if I should delete them. I'm sure there's a lot of repeated songs. I slept to youtube 

Tea check: Still hot, I thought it would be warm.

I am going to start adding these to my blog again. Starting with this one. I think God gave no these Morning Pages and Me without a filter on Tiktok because he knew the with a filter was killing me. Walking on eggshells, hiding how I really feel so that I dont upset the people around me is exhausting, understandable Ive done it for 40 years. 

Tea check: Still hot but...no it's not drinkable. (Perseeds to burn her mouth)

Current song playing let's stay together by Lemur.

The truth is I 've been going through depression since 28th Nov 2024. I havent heard a thing from a 'friend,' in years apart from that one who knows who she is. Honestly our last conversation didn't feel like friends It felt like she was my therapist. That's why I haven't texted since then. It felt like I was an inconvenience to her, I was disturbing her. I feel lonely, if I didn't have family and God I would have no one. 

Tea check: Drinkable 

Bottom line is actions speak louder than words. I have...I didn't realise I was hurting myself by giving people the benefit of the doubt. I mean If I asked when is the last time you spoke to a friend (assuming you have some). You probably would say something close to a week at least. It's not normal to not hear from people who consider themselves your friends in years. There's only one conclusion from this those relationships were one sided, including my crush / love of my life/ future hubby. 

It seems like I took a truck load from this, more than they did. 

A lot of this requires I don't take this personally but the thing is 

I am and I will.

I just had a realisation that is what God has been trying to teach me. The lesson that has been starring me in the face.

I can say

They lost my number (or didn't take/want it in the first place)

I can say

They are busy.

I can even go as far to say 

They forgot I existed, which hurts me to my core.

But by doing that I break my own heart by ignoring my feelings.

Actions speak louder then words. You might as well have stabbed me that would have hurt less than this unnecessary silence. I'm sick of living in guess work of fighting to be seen. I know when you read this next sentence you will have an answer ready but resist that. 

I'm sick of teaching people what I need. they should know.

(not mind readers)

It should not be this hard to be understood.

The thing is I've spent 40 years trying to do just that. Beating myself up when it falls on death ears. Disappointed by the response. I am exhausted. On the 14th July I decided  I'm done with that. I'm staying still and whatever is meant for me will find me.

I've been living my life wrong it's not normal to explain as you go. I wake up I go to the toilet to pee. I decide to shower since I'm here. Or get a drink from the kitchen, decide to make breakfast. Or do those things and then come to the opposite conclusion. I cannot put myself through this mentally and physically.

58 minutes, see you when I see you.