Morning Pages #290

I am writing this at 5:46 am. I Just work up had a quick shower and decided to make a plate of fruit. Also made a cup of tea.

I am done fighting,

I am done explaining myself to people. 

I am letting go. What is going to happen will happen.

I am done trying to stop what is going to happen from happening. God has been trying to get through to me that the only thing I need to do is nothing. It's not easy and I think I need to let that go also.

not being able to do what God says straight away. What I've realized is I am not meant to follow God blindly, I am not meant to follow anyone blindly, I am not a robot I'm not perfection. I have doubts, my brain forgets. It forgets that I am strong enough to handle anything that is thrown at me. I forget that I have in the past. I forgot that God is all knowing all seeing. He has seen my story play out. He has seen the bigger picture. I will be anxious about tomorrow where my brain forgets everything is always ok. I have decided a few days ago to just accept the way things are. I want...no I need a change this year. I want to be out of survival mode this month. If I don't hear anything from my crush before 2025 I have to accept the fact he is dead and start the grieving process 

59 minutes, see you when I see you you

Morning Page #289

I managed to get to sleep last night and woke up around 9:48 am, Had a quick shower, in face I did my wash day. Where I wash my hair and do my facial routine, brush my teeth and shower.

Facial routine = spot control soap, Moistriser refresher. I also started using black soap. I've done it only less than five times. I dont know If see a difference yet. I realised I hadn't done my wash day since the 10th that's eight days. After my shower I folded the clothes drying on the doors and made myself a cup of tea. Wrote in my diaries, sure its only 11 but still.

11:45 am, Also the time of my appointment tomorrow. A cup of black tea (I don't know which one because it doesnt say the brand is Dragon... something). I got it in the Yummy boy I recently brought. I am anxious about my Universal Credit appointment tomorrow. They have said it will be up to the desicion maker. I don't care how they spin it that is a threat. And while were on the subject don't try to lie to yourself with sanctions are not the same. Look it up on Google. If you say if don't do this you will be this that thing is a threat. I just don't want to be forced to say what I don't want to. I don't want to tell them about what is going on with my sister. It's none of their business. On top of that these appointments are not done in private it's all out in the open. Where anyone can hear. I hope they change that in the future. I am going over and over having to explain myself. But what will actually happen is they will ask

'How my job search is going?'

Maybe ask why I didn't go to my interview. Book the next one, that's it. I am frustrated, because what's the point. I am anxious I'm overthinking for nothing. I can't go on like this anymore. I have my hands full walking on a tight rope and I've had enough. I need to know the truth of what happened between me and my crush. I request it happening this year. I need to be out of survival mode. If not I just have accept the the fact that my crush dies. And start the grieving process. 

36 minutes, see you when I see you.