Morning pages #104

8:48 am cup of tea in front of me. Watching YouTube watch list (Carrie Hope Fletcher and Oliver Ormson Boob back rub…?)

The thing I want people to know about me is I will never do anything without thinking about it first (and again, and one more time for good measure). So whatever I do and say is for a reason no matter what. It really, really bothers me when people look at me like

‘You know there is another (simpler) way you can do that,’

Yes, I do, but this way works for me.

I am a sensitive person; I’ve known this since I was six. I’m just sick of apologizing for it. I’m the type of person who whatever is said to me or done to me hits my heart, the good and the bad. In the past I have thought of that as well as being awkward, even being shy and quiet were negative traits. What I now know is these are things that that are part of me just like the colour of my skin. There have been moments in my life that have made living it easier. Like when I found out that going through depression was a shared experience or when I found out what depression was. The day I found out I wasn’t alone also the same time I got a better understanding of shyness and confidence. Because up to that point I had only my experience with shyness, which is all day every day. I never knew that some people are shy or lack confidence in a certain situation and confident in others. In a way, I  feel like my shyness was the worst because at least if you lack confidence when you’re addressing a group of people verse just hanging out you can avoid those situations. Not forever because it’s always good to leave your comfort zone. I recently had a revelation that has also made me live my life better. I had a deep conversation (that person knows who they are) the gist of it was here are my experiences and therefore here’s how I think you should handle it. It’s been a few days and I’ve had a revelation about the situation. That it’s different people same situation, it’s not necessarily going to be the same reaction. I need to respect that and I hope that given time not that they will see my side but that you respect the reason behind my actions even if you disagree. I, in turn, will from this moment stop putting everyone else's feelings above my own.

 1 hour 14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #103

10:48 AM, Cup of tea and eight out 10 cats does countdown on my Mac. I haven't watched that show in months, just decided to binge-watch it from the beginning.

I'm going through a confusing, unsure period in my life. If you know me (or at least read these pages) you know I'm an overthinker so I never do things without thinking about it first. 

I'm unsure because when I have to have my first appointment at the jobcentre after coronavirus calms down. I know I need to be brutal about what I need and what I don't. I need to be honest about all the courses I'm put on (some of them are mandatory) there are decisions that I have made that to the outside world seemed like making my situation worse. They don't see the rest of it all they're seeing is a quarter of it. to be honest it's been a weight lifted off my shoulder (literally I'm standing up straighter) What I thought I needed in the past is different from what I need today. I thought I needed to take every confidence-building class going but I need to accept who I am. I thought I needed to make everyone happy to keep the peace but I need to make myself happy first even if it means no peace. I was reminded a couple of days ago that I was doing the right thing when they said ‘the most important person is you,’ so true.

29 minutes, see you when I see you       

Morning Pages #102

9:40 am youtube on my phone.

I made a smoothie this morning Rasberry, banana, kiwi, melon, blueberries. I went back and forth about putting apple and orange in it (I thought it might be too much) I'm glad I did.

I'm writing this on my mac (not my laptop because I mistakenly switched off the charger last night). I think I like typing it up first.

I had another dream about my crush. I think all in all I'm grateful for my feelings because it taught me what love is. Maybe in 10 years, nothing will have changed. and I know what you're saying out there

"girl you need to move on,"

"Easier said than done, mate."

Current mood: Happy

14 minutes, see you when I see you.

Morning Pages #101

05 am, Sitting here at my kitchen table, Family guy on my TV. I’m typing this on my laptop (correction my mum’s laptop) I haven’t done it like that before I usually write it on paper first before I type it up. I must tell you I prefer it that way it seems on my laptop I correct as I go which is distracting. Though on paper I write faster because of what I just mentioned. I did a brain dump the other day and it was great.  It’s sort of like morning pages except you write whenever. The thing with Family Guy is it’s very stereotypical with its jokes and I feel like I can say this because I’m a fan, at this point I’ve seen every episode. Like I think of Family guy as a stand-up show. It’s not my intention to upset you. My goal is to make you laugh as many times as I can for the next 20 to 30 minutes. It’s like EastEnders (when I used to watch it) people would go on all the time about this show is miserable. Yea no s*** Sherlock. But I didn’t care because somehow the show made me happy. And every time a character mentioned the name of a place, I pass all the time I got happier. Saying that it’s a different story now, I haven’t watched EastEnders in…I’m fairly sure over a year. I just don’t get the same feeling, all the things I felt about it has changed, not including the things I said before. I guess I just grew out of it.

I have something that I was going to write that has escaped my mind now. I was thinking about the coronavirus and the fact that my mum went out today (or yesterday) and said that it’s calming down. She seems happy about that, I’m not. This may sound ridiculous, but I don’t care about the coronavirus, don’t get me wrong I care about people dying. I’m just more worried about what happens when it’s all over. I was so content in my world of not having to do anything and not having to go anywhere. You know what would ease my mind if the jobcentre doesn’t go back to normal until next year, that would ease my mind.

30 minutes, see you when I see you.